i am part of the bridal party, and cannot attend bridal shower, but still need to pay all the expenses

Nope!! NOT correct! As a bride you should never assume that the bridesmaid will pay for anything other than their dress. If she cannot respect the fact that you can’t afford the $200, then she isn’t a true friend

If you can’t attend and already told them . It isn’t right they are expecting you to pay.

No, this is not right. The host(s) is responsible for paying for the shower completely. If the bridal party as a group decide to host the shower then they must all decide together what their budget is and how much each person can contribute. It is very wrong for this to be decided without your input and then expect you to pay. The same is true for the bachelorette party. If you can afford to pay something for both it would be a nice gesture to offer $x for each but this is up to you.

This is difficult. I can see where you are coming from. If you are strapped on cash it can be such a hard place to be in. But I can also see why they want you to participate financially if you are not participating in person. As someone's bridal party member it does come with a lot of responsibility. I do think it would be nice if perhaps you could offer to contribute what you can. But I completely see where you are coming from because for my own bachelorette, only the ladies that attended were paying. Some of my bridesmaids were unable to attend and they did not pay since yea they were not even there. I would say speak to someone in the bridal party - MOH maybe, about it. Good luck! Also, it might be good etiquette anyway to try to contribute something if you can such as if you cannot attend or financially contribute to the events, maybe you can spend a little time with the bride on your own or give her a little gift.

No, your only duty as a bridesmaid is to wear the required dress and show up at the wedding.

I disagree with the PP that you should contribute financially because you can’t be there. Your responsibility is to buy the dress for the wedding and stand up there with the bride, period, and the bride should discuss your budget with you before selecting something. You are NOT responsible for or required to pay for a shower or a bachelorette party. Maybe try talking to the MOH (assuming she’s coordinating everything). If you were going to be there and they asked you to pitch in to cover your expenses and split the brides expenses that’s one thing, but you can’t attend so it’s not like your asking the other girls to pay for you. I would be pissed as a bride if I found out my wedding party was pulling something like this. Good luck.

NOT okay! If you're not there you do not pay for anything, that's a basic manners thing.
Also you and the bride you should talk about the budget prior to anything have been booked. Whomever is hosting the bridal shower is responsible for paying for it.
Bachelorette is whomevers hosting and attending.
Not sure who's demanding $200+ for something you made it clear you couldn't attend but they need to get their act together.

If I was planning a shower I would only expect attending bridal party members to contribute, not someone who is unable to come. They need to budget for contributions based on who will be there.

Don’t give them the money. I don’t think this is normal, and you won’t even be there to enjoy it.

The most I'd do is maybe offer some money for decorations or something like that just so you can be "involved" but I would not be pitching in for a room I won't stay in and events that I wont participate in either. Offering is you being nice because you won't make it, but totally not something you need to do.

They are wrong. Just tell them nicely you will not be attending and will not be paying part.

Some people have a lot of nerve! Don't pay them a single dime. You're not attending, so there's nothing you need to pay for!

In most cases (from my friends and relatives and people in my area) the mother of the bride and or the mother of the groom usually host the bridal shower. Not sure if that's technically traditional, but that's what I've seen most in my area. And most of the time the MOH is helping host as well, but I have not often seen the bridal party as a whole pay for and host the shower. My cousin and MOH will be hosting my bridal shower. My mom will of course help where she's needed.

I personally would say no to paying. You can't be there and they were aware of this so there's not a way that you can contribute 100%. You're not really "hosting" if you can't even be a part of it.

Did you originally say you would attend and contribute financially?
If not, I would tell the bridal party/ bride they are mis-informed. You are not obligated to pay for a party for the bride, that you are not attending. Bachelorette parties and bridal showers are all OPTIONAL and extra and you are not obligated to host them nor pay for them.

I would also set the precedent for the bachelorette party as well. They changed the date and place, you cannot attend, nor will you be contributing financially.

I only asked the original question b/c I had someone bow out of the bachelorette party last minute and it was $283 that I ended up eating...

Just no.... you shouldn't have to spend money for an event you are unable to attend/host.

Nooo way. Tell the bride (not the bridesmaids) asap that you aren't able to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party, and that you did not agree to pay for those things and when you agreed to be a bridesmaid, tell her if that is what she is expecting of you you would love to attend as a guest but you cannot afford to be a bridesmaid.
She should have communicated with you upfront that she is expecting you to pay for these things, though it sounds like this is the bridesmaids talking and hopefully the bride can correct them. If she is under the impression you have to pay for them, she's probably just a little uninformed, the first person she calls to talk about it should be able to tell her she's wrong.

I was recently not able to make it to all of a bachelorette party, my fee in participating would have only been $20-30 bucks, so I did offer to pay it, but the bridesmaid organizing it said not to worry about it. I am sure my tune and hers would have been different over $200. Talk to the bride.

My MOH can't attend the bridal shower or bachlorette party since she lives in TX and the parties are in NY... I haven't asked her for a penny.

She's having to work her buns off to save for the trip (+ loss of pay due to time off for the wedding) I am sensitive to that and even though I'm sad as hell that she can't join... I'm not going to make it more difficult for her financially (or emotionally) by demanding she pay for stuff that she won't even be there to enjoy.

You are a friend, not a personal bank. Talk to the bride directly and if she's a true friend she will not only understand but reign the other girls in. SMH... I hope she does the right thing.

I think it's bold to say you HAVE to pay for that. If I was a bridesmaid, I'd contribute (I have done this already for a wedding I was an out of state bridesmaid for), but I did it not because I was required to but because I wanted to and could afford it. I'd just let them know what you can afford to contribute, and do that.

Thank you ladies for all your inputs, I really appreciate this. I will share the current situation.

I know the bride since grade 9, so about 17 years. She is a very indecisive person, so she hired 2 wedding planners to plan her entire wedding. As for the bridal party, I don't know any of this girls, besides my twin sister. The MOH is not the one planning and hosting the bridal shower and bachelorette. So, two of the bridesmaids are planning both events.

Budget was never discussed in the beginning. And they love to take pictures online to copy for their own social media purpose (personal judgement). So far, everything is to the roof in terms of the money. The two ladies are very demanding, and basically wants nothing but fancy. They rented a special venue just for the shower, and will be renting an entire house for the bachelorette. They wanted 3 tier cake, 3 different flavours of vodka (1000ml bottles each), 40 different appetizers, and so far, I think there are 60 balloon that needs helium.

Originally, bachelorette was supposed to be in Vegas, and I already purchased flight ticket. 2 months later, the 2 bridesmaids said we are not going to Vegas any more because the bride doesn't want to. I know this is a lie because I know the bride always wanted to celebrate in Vegas. It was her dream. But the bride is not speaking up, and agreed to celebrate locally in the west coast.

I have mentioned ahead of time that I cannot attend bridal shower. They acknowledge, but said the cost of everything will still be divided by 6 (including me). So, I feel like I am stuck because they are calling me cheap for not helping out.

The two bridesmaids planning the events met the bride in college, so I understand they partied a lot together.