i am not walking down the aisle with my dad but my family is making me feel terrible.

I think you are doing the right thing, and I think its probably best if he doesn't come. If he does decide to come, I would make sure everyone knows ahead of the day that absolutely no drama on the issue will be tolerated. We have to do what's best for us and our mental health, and no one else has to understand that. Just tell your mom, etc that this is your final decision and it won't be discussed again. Good luck xo

I am sorry to hear that you have gone through that. This has to be your choice in the end, though no matter what you choose someone will be upset. However, with that being said think ahead a bit would you following your heart or gut now be something you would regret later? Can you honestly say that he will be in your life later?
Is there someone else you would rather have walk you?
While it is easier said than done, don't let people make you want to elope. I have had similar feelings, in the end I would be heartbroken if my FH let us do it. I hope you have a wonderful wedding!

View Quoted Comment This is definitely something I’ve thought a lot about. Is this what i really want or am I holding on to emotional baggage? If I give in, would it really be the best for me or the best for him?
I don’t think I’ve been able to come up with a clear answer for that. But I have known for a long time, probably since I was 17 or 18 (I am 26 now), that I did not want him to walk me down. I suggested that he can still walk down with my mom so he has a role and I walk down by myself. And I would be willing to do a father daughter dance too. But he wants to walk me down because he is a traditional, religious person and I am not. I guess that’s where we butt heads

People can only make you feel terrible if you allow them to. You’re making the right decision. You’ll feel even more terrible if you give in to them and have to look back on your wedding with regret.

Don’t give in and don’t engage with anyone who tries to discuss this with you, not even to justify your choice. Just change the subject and if anyone persists, just say “mom/sister, our decision is final and not up for discussion” and literally walk away or hang up the phone if you have to.
Also, start paying your phone bill yourself so he can’t hold that over your head anymore.

View Quoted Comment It truly is a rough situation. Simply my thoughts, but if you have allowed him to still be a part of your life after all you have gone through with him then I would say no to the emotional baggage. You are willing to compromise and still be respectful of him. The effort on your part is there. It is a lot more than most people would not have done.
As for if you giving in, while I do not share a similar past. My relationship with my mother is one I would love to walk away from. I would feel no emotional detachment. Yet for my father I have allowed her to be a part of my wedding simply to make him life easier. The word tradition bis thrown around everytime we talk always accompanied by tears and I messed up in the past. She wants more than anything to have what other women she works with to know she experienced the same things they did with their kids. To some it may seem petty I have cut out many traditions. They simply are not me, not something I enjoy, again may sound mean, they are not earned. We aren't close so my mother was not involved in planning my wedding. I don't feel bad about it and I don't regret it. Th stress and emotional toll she would put me through for something I don't even want would hurt me in the end. So with that in mind what traditions mean something to you? Which ones can't you see yourself happy without and which ones when you look back on the start of your life with your FH could you have passed on?
I am sorry if it is mean but why should someone else, even if it comes off as me, tell you what traditions you should have or they deserve? I hope it helps!

I have a good relationship with my dad and I'm not having him walk me down the aisle. Alot of women are ditching that tradition and walking alone down the aisle. Women are no longer exchanged for a dowry or goats. You don't live with your dad. You're a grown woman now. Nobody has to "give you away". You should definitely stand your ground on this, but instead of focusing on your dad's behavior and impact on you (which is a valid reason), explain to people that it's not a necessity!

"Now, he is saying he doesn’t want to come to my wedding at all."

Awesome! You don't need that kind of drama on your wedding day. Explain once more to your family that it is your wedding, you don't feel he has earned the privilege of walking you down the aisle, and if he doesn't want to attend that's his decision. No more discussion.

View Quoted Comment I’m worth over 100 goats though. Lol.
This reference is a great point.

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It is an honor and privilege- one he did NOT earn. My father was an addict, had been my whole life, and was not there for me growing up. I always knew my mother would walk me. Not to give me away but rather to "walk with me as you always have through my life" as I am not property to give away and am not religious. I struggled with whether to even invite my father since he was a current user but we had grown to a stable & a good as possible (with an addict) relationship.

Sorry hit enter on accident*


Do not let people strong arm & gaslight you into this! This is your & FH day! Not theirs! If your sister wants him to walk her at her wedding that's her choice. I'm honestly offended on your behalf. You have been far more accommodating than I planned to be, more than it sounds he deserves. At this point, if he chooses to miss his daughters wedding over this then that is his choice, not yours. If he thinks not walking you is embarrassing, wait until he gets to tell people he wasn't there, even though he was invited, because he threw a fit like a toddler not getting their way.
Stay strong, stay true to you! 💙 Vent on these forums, we're here for you!!
(Sorry if this is harsh, this is so close to home for me and it makes me angry for you!)

One last comment 🙈 I wanted to share this bit that was somewhat similar.


When I told my mother I wanted her to walk me she looked surprised and said she thought my brother would be doing that. Honestly, it kind of hurt me as I thought she'd be honored and excited but instead it felt like she made it about my brother (a common issue when one sibling is disabled, my brother has CP.) I think in her mind it was because "a man walks you down the aisle", that's the norm, that's all you ever see in media/her experiences. In my mind the person who walks you is not about gender but about who you feel close to, who helped you become who you are today, who has always held your hand and walked you through life.
I felt a bit of pressure to change my mind, but it wasn't what I wanted nor envisioned my whole life. I stuck to my guns and it was perfect. My mom was honored, excited, and even had a little speech for my husband! The anxiety is real and scary! Totally understand! I talked to my brother about it and it really helped, he understood and wasn't upset.
I would tell your family your decision is final and not up for discussion. You'll feel so much better once it's concreted! If they're upset about him not walking you- they can complain to him for not doing his job to earn it!

Boundaries are good, and this is a boundary for you. Your Dad doesn't get the honour of walking you down the aisle. You're not being punitive, you're standing up for what you want. That's OK.

If he kicks up a fuss and threatens not to come to the wedding, tell him he'll be missed.

View Quoted Comment WOW thank you to you, Casey, and to everyone who has responded to this. You have no idea how I’ve needed to hear this. I cried for hours last night about this and couldn’t sleep all night. It’s so hard but I know this what is right for ME.
I’ve always tried to keep the peace when I was younger because of the environment I grew up in. But now, I want to step into my power and set boundaries for what I feel comfortable with and not budge when it’s something I don’t want.

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My mom had a similar reaction when I asked her if she would walk me. As we talked about it more, it was more that she didn't want that much attention on her and she didn't want to "ruin" my photos of me walking down the aisle because she "just isn't photogenic" (this is a battle with her self-confidence that I've been working on for years). Ultimately, my FH and I decided that we are going to walk down the aisle together. My brother is a groomsman, my dad and I are reconnecting and I know it would mean a lot to him if I asked, but he frankly just wasn't there for enough of my life to have earned it. He FFIL offered, but I don't have any desire to be "given away". Honestly I wanted to walk by myself (and not have to share the spotlight at all lol). When I told FH this, that was when he said he didn't want to walk by himself or one step ahead of his dad while he walked down his mom - or any of the rest of that. He wanted to "walk down together, because everything else in our lives will be together and I see no better way to get started." Cue the waterworks 😅

All that being said, I trust that you've made the best decision for you and that you deserve to be the one who makes the final decision about this. Like Casey said, "If they're upset about him not walking you- they can complain to him for not doing his job to earn it!"

Good luck, honey. You've got this!

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This confidence in yourself is so important and I loved reading this response 😭

View Quoted Comment You are so very welcome!! I am so happy you're feeling better! 🥰 Step into that power, set those boundaries! You got this!! 💙

View Quoted Comment That is so sweet! I'm sure it was absolutely perfect (or will be if you aren't married yet 🥰)

First of all you need to start paying your own phone bill so he can't hold this over you. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in a similar situation as you and not have my father walk me down the aisle. It's easier when you're 100% independent. I plan on just explaining that because of his actions I don't feel comfortable with him walking me down. I feel like there's no easier way to get him to accept it except explaining your feelings. If he doesn't want to be understanding to that then that's on him. It's your wedding. Hopefully your one and only. Do what makes you feel comfortable at the time so you can enjoy it.

Story time: I was married before. My brother and I had a falling out months before the wedding and I uninvited him. Looking back, even though we've repaired our relationship, I don't regret uninviting him because his presence would have been distressing to me and some family members because of his actions at the time. I enjoyed my wedding and if he would have been there I would have been stressed out and conflict might have happened. All that to say, you need to make the best situation out of your current circumstance. Maybe you and your father will repair your relationship, but maybe not. You have to make the best situation at the time.

Stand your ground and tell them once more that the decision has been made. If that means your dad doesn't show up, so be it.


I only ever wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle. I was guilted in to letting my step dad join, even though I was super against it. I hate those photos because it's not what I wanted. Looking back, I should have held strong and said no. I regret giving in and letting it happen. From personal experience, I recommend doing it exactly how YOU want to - period.