Hyphenate or not hyphenate

You could also move your current last name as your middle name

I am in the exact same boat as you. My ex was extremely abusive to me and my son. I have actually talked to my older son (12) about this and he is okay with me dropping my ex’s last name. I want nothing to do with that evil man. My kids love my FH and if they had a choice they would take his last name as well. I don’t think a last name will make them feel left out or left behind. If you keep them involved as a family then I feel as though they will be fine. My best advice depending on age is to talk with them. It has made a huge difference for my son and I. My daughter is still young (8). She is just happy being a part of the wedding.

Also, coming from a divorced family, my parents divorced when I was 4 and I never held it against my mom for changing her last name when she remarried either.

Good of luck in whatever you choose! Hope that helps!

I was married before n I struggle with this same exact thing do to my son had my ex husband last name n I wasn't sure if I should just keep it or go back to my maiden last name.

My ex husband was abusive also so when the divorce was fibal n the judge asked me if I wanted to change my last name or keep it and I yelp out Change it! Yes, my son had the same last name but he would still be my son no matter what I just knew I wanted to shut the door to my marriage to him and I knew if I kept his last name it was like I was still holding on to that part of my life. My son doesn't ever ask why he n I don't have the same last name because I don't think he really cares he knows I'm still his mom even if we don't share the same last name.

I'll be changing my last name to my FH last name when we get married. We have a daughter together plus he'll be adopting my son after we get married.

Bottom line is one day your kids will grow up and have their own families and no matter what will still love you no matter if you have a different last name as them.

I also have a child with my ex, but I decided to go back to my maiden name when we divorced. He had a lot of drama going on at the time that I didn’t want to be associated with (and still does), so I decided that would be the best decision for me. My son doesn’t care. I had told him I gave his name back to his father because we’re not married anymore. Now he’s looking forward to me changing my last name to my fiancé’s.

However it has never made a difference in what my last name is or that it’s different than his. His teachers and coaches all know I’m his mother and the one who raises and supports him. He has never treated me any differently because of my name. His friends sometimes don’t know what to call me, but in a cute kid way, never in any negative fashion. My point is a name is just a name. I’ve found that we (the mothers of children with different last names) care more than anyone else. If you’re that worried what your kids will think, just ask them and talk about it. I’d be very surprised if they expect you to keep your ex husbands name when you remarry.

So, this is super outside the box, but what if you went back to your maiden name and your future spouse took your maiden name as well? I know in NY this can legally be done.

When I married my first husband who passed away I dropped my given middle name and made my maiden name my middle name. Now that I am remarrying, I am doing the same. I have a son with my husband who passed away and I don’t want to lose that connection with him so I am dropping My middle name and making my last name my middle name. I will be Angela Umstattd Walker. No hyphen but still maintaining my deceased husbands name.

Don’t hyphenate.

The kids will understand, especially if you take the time to tell them that “even though you don’t have the same last name, you love them just as much as the day you had them. And you’re still their mom- even if your last names are different.”
It gets to be confusing and too much. Especially if you are using your ( abusive) former husbands name and not your maiden name.
And then if you do and the kids marry someone who’s name is hyphenated how do they do that a four way?

I think explaining to your kids they will understand. If they really like your FH this shouldn’t be a problem for them.

How old are your kids? I would have them be a part of the decision!