We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

Theresa
Just Said Yes April 2021

Hurt by my family, struggling to get over it

Theresa, on April 4, 2021 at 10:36 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11
Saved Save
Reply

My family got into a fight about my wedding and I am having a hard time getting over it. I need some advice and maybe some support.

My cousin and I were both engaged at Christmas in 2019. I was 23, my cousin was 29. My fiance and I were not planning to live together before the wedding and he was planning to move for work at the end of 2020. So we picked a date at our church for September 2020. We announced our date at a family New Years party and my other cousin who was engaged stormed out. She had apparently picked October 2020, 5 weeks after ours. She wanted Fall of 2020 to be her season and she wasn't okay with me getting married first because she is older. A massive family fight broke out at the party. The only one who took my side was my dad. Everyone else told me I had to move my date at least to spring of 2021 to give my cousin space.

My fiance and I talked and didn't want to move our date. We wanted to be married before he had to move for work because in our faith we can't move in together without being married. We are Christians but I wasn't raised Christian so my family doesn't really get or like this. My grandfather from the other side of the family also has advancing dementia, so I wanted him to be able to come to the wedding. We didn't want to delay the wedding for those reasons, but also because we liked our date and our plan and didn't think any of this was a big deal.

I told my cousin I didn't want to move the date and she lost it. She said horrible things to me about how I'm a religious freak and an attention w****. She got my whole extended family in on it and multiple people harassed me. She also called my grandma every day and the stress of it made her ill. So I eventually gave in and moved my date.

I never told my family what my cousin said to me because I didn't want to sink to her level. It felt like once I made the decision to move the date we should let it go. But my family only got my cousin's side of the story and they all now think I'm a jerk who was trying to beat her to the punch and steal her thunder. I didn't even know her date when I picked mine. Also my cousin hasn't spoken to me since. She got married and I didn't go.

Now my grandfather is in a nursing home so he can't come. My grandmother from the cousin's side asked if he is coming and I told her no because he is in a home. She said "you caused all these problems over the wedding for a man who can't even come?" I said that wasn't the whole reason and then I excused myself to go cry in the bathroom. She didn't know I was crying.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to stir the pot by saying things about my cousin and what she did, but I hate being blamed for this and all the constant comments and everything. It makes me wish I never invited my family to my wedding. I should be happy this close to my day, but I'm just sad and hurt and angry. I would appreciate any advice.

11 Comments

Latest activity by ScandalousRandallous, on April 5, 2021 at 4:00 PM
  • Alyssa
    Devoted October 2023
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry this happened. I never understood why people think a wedding a month before theirs is taking away the attention of theirs. Your cousin sounds dramatic so it's probably best you weren't at hers and she won't be at yours.
    About your grandpa, he can totally come. Just talk to the nursing home and social work. My friend had her grandma come. The facility wheel chair van dorpped her off and picked her up after dinner. Some one just has to be able to assist him/push his chair(if needed).
    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Dedicated September 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    I'm very sorry about this. No one gets a wedding MONTH. That's not a thing. It's upsetting that everyone got on you about it. I feel that part about your grandfather. My grandfather recently passed from dementia. He started to decline and we were talking about doing a special ceremony because for me it was SO important for him to be there. However his decline happened so quickly he passed away earlier this month. Like PP said I'm sure you can work out with the nursing home or a transport service.


    • Reply
  • L
    Liz ·
    • Flag

    I’m very sorry you’re having to deal with this. Your cousin was unreasonable in objecting to your original date, and her behavior sounds awful.

    Have you spoken to your minister/pastor/priest about how you’re feeling and your struggles to get over it? I’d expect them to be able to provide support and advice. They can likely also support on how to cope with your family’s response to your faith.

    • Reply
  • E
    Expert July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    Wow, I'm going to be a jerk here, but I absolutely loathe your family just reading this. I am usually a fairer person when people come here to post about family drama, but this is a big exception.

    I hate that you moved your date for this spoiled brat of a cousin. You upended your lives, and people are still being jerks about it?

    I wish you had someone in your life who could stand up for you and tell that grandmother that your grandfather was able to attend before... but then her spoiled brat of a grandchild threw a b*#ch fit and now he's too unwell, and this was exactly why you wanted your date when you did.

    No one gets a SEASON. No one gets a MONTH. They get ONE DAY.

    Honestly, if it were me, I'd strongly consider eloping. Go to your grandfather's home, have a little minimony with the supportive people present (like your dad) ASAP, and tell everyone else to piss off. Keep the party and whoever shows, shows, but none of them get the privilege of actually watching you marry. The way they treated you makes it clear that they don't really care about your marriage, so they shouldn't have the honor of witnessing it, in my opinion.

    Now that I've aired my vengeful side, since I'm sure that isn't a great solution for you (although it's really the one they all deserve), I agree with other posters that you should have an earnest conversation with the nursing home. Unless your grandfather is on a ventilator, they certainly should be able to help you find a way to get him to your wedding.

    I'm sorry your family has treated you so badly. I wouldn't even bother trying to explain yourself - you did nothing wrong, and it won't change their minds. The best you can do is move on with your life and try not to let it bother you. Just know that your cousin's behavior was completely unreasonable, as was the rest of your family's, and limit their involvement in your life moving forward. The best revenge, especially against drama queens and narcissists, is "I don't care about you or what you think of me."

    • Reply
  • Theresa
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Theresa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We are out of state from his home, so my parents told me they didn't think it was possible, but I will check again. I have had so much anxiety about him being unable to come.

    • Reply
  • Theresa
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Theresa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I talked to a couple pastors about this issue and it came up during our pre-marital counseling. I have gotten great advice and lots of healing through prayer, but the hurt is still lingering. I want to be long-suffering, but it also makes me not want to be around my cousins. My church's pastor has also been very helpful in supporting my faith and I have a good faith community, but I like your suggestion to ask him about how to deal with my family's response and words.

    • Reply
  • Theresa
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Theresa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I really needed to hear your advice. I have this instinct to defend and explain myself, but you are right that they won't listen. It's sad because I do really care, but I know that I have to get myself to a place where I don't care and where I can separate myself from these people. I grew up so close to my family so it is really difficult, but I think I have seen their true colors and how they were all willing to throw me under the bus when my awful cousin threw a tantrum.

    • Reply
  • E
    Expert July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Oh, my heart breaks for you. This does complicate things.

    I'm just throwing this out there as a consideration, because it is so clear how this hurts you. How do you feel about a miniature symbolic ceremony at your grandfather's nursing home? If you think he will make it until the actual wedding, you could wait until after and just have a little, brief ceremony where he can be present. Nursing homes usually have a clergyman available. It doesn't have to be elaborate. Considering what he is suffering from, there would be no need to tell him that it isn't the legally binding ceremony (you don't have to make a big deal or lie, either, all he needs to know is it's a ceremony) - let him be present in the moment.

    Symbolic ceremonies in the presence of loved ones who can't be present at the "real deal" are not uncommon. It may be unfeasible, or you may not like the idea, but I figured I would suggest it in case you hadn't considered it before.

    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa Online ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry to hear about all this! Each couple gets ONE DAY. That's it. A wedding that is five WEEKS before or after another person's wedding wouldn't have any impact on the other wedding. Who cares if the two weddings are in the same season? Your cousin doesn't "own" the season. I'm so sorry that they made you feel like you were in the wrong, and that they bullied you into changing your date. You definitely were not wrong, and you were not obligated to change your date.


    Personally, I would avoid giving them info about your wedding going forward. Pick whatever day that works best for you and your fiance, and plan the wedding that you and your fiance want. Don't change your plans based on what anyone else wants. As for your grandfather, I agree with the previous comments! See if you can work out a plan with the nursing home to have him in attendance. Hoping for the best for you!
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you have been gracious and kind through this awful situation. Catholics believe that longanimity, or being long-suffering, is a gift of the Holy Spirit. It seems like you are being faced with a situation in which you were clearly right and your cousin was clearly wrong, but others don't know your side.


    Keep doing what you're doing in not sinking to her level and trash-talking her. It hurts that other people dont know your side of the story, but God knows both sides and He is perfectly just and merciful. I'll be praying for you as you continue to work through this.

    Also it's okay to tell people when their comments hurt you. You don't have to say anything mean, just say "Actually grandma, he would have been able to come had I kept my date, but I moved it to try to keep the peace. It hurts me that you brought this up and I would prefer not to talk about it again." Nothing mean, just facts.
    • Reply
  • ScandalousRandallous
    Dedicated July 2022
    ScandalousRandallous ·
    • Flag

    You were the bigger person and these immature children canʻt see that so guess what? Sounds like weʻre getting married with our VIPs and everyone else can kick rocks Smiley smile

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics