Huge Disagreement with My Mother

Yikes. Your mom is overreacting. You are an adult. I cannot imagine my mom throwing a party for me, telling me what to wear and then canceling the party because I didn't wear what she wants. Maybe she just needs to calm down for a day or two. If she wants you to wear white, let her buy you a white dress. LOL

Your mom is being ridiculous. However, she has the right to pay for whatever she wants under whatever stipulations. If you can pay for the party (I know 3 weeks is not a long time), then i suggest that. If not you can either cancel, or wear a dress in a color she wants. Is she opposed to any color other than white? Or just not black. Have you checked lulus? They have more simple white dresses that are not super expensive. Good luck! I hope your mom comes around and realizes that she is being super dramatic, but if not, I hope you find something else in time!

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She is paying for the party but I'm paying for my hair, makeup, dress, shoes, & any accessories. So since I'm paying for the dress I figured it could be whatever dress I want. No way can I pay for the party, it's not something my husband and I are willing to spend money on, which is exactly why we had a private ceremony to begin with, but my mom insisted on the party. She thinks the dress has to be white lol. *Sigh* and yes I love Lulu's! That's where I got the dress I got married in!!

You aren’t being unreasonable. Tell your mom it’s her decision to cancel and you will not be picking up the deposits because of her choices. There is no way she can force you to do so.

Your mom is overreacting. She’s paying for the event, but it is the celebration of your marriage so you should wear what’s comfortable for you. I will say, she’s could be reacting that way she is because probably she’s disappointed she won’t get to show you off as “the bride” because the wedding was lowkey, you won’t be in the expected white dress etc. She might be dealing with her own feelings around you guys not following “tradition”. I’m not saying you should wear anything you don’t want to, but I would try and talk to her about why she is so upset about the color of your outfit. That might not be the real reason she’s reacting so strongly.

She's overreacting, but apparently they all do that. Any time I mention wanting to do something that's not totally traditional (a tea length dress, modern music for the processional, etc), mom likes to respond 'well then why are you even having a wedding?' (insert eye roll here)

Your mom is completely overreacting. Lots of beautiful brides wear black wedding dresses and the world has never ended so, you wearing one for your celebration of marriage party is no big deal.

However, mom can choose to only fund the party if you follow whatever arbitrary rules she decides to set. You can either choose to follow them and have her pay, break them and pay for the party yourself, or cancel the party altogether. Only you know what decision is right for you. Personally, I'd probably tell her to cancel the party since I'm not one to take manipulation lightly and I would regret giving in more than I would regret not having the celebration.

Whatever happens, though you are not responsible for paying back the deposits and I would make that very clear to your mother. Tell her that this was never part of your original agreement and that under no circumstances will you be reimbursing her for any expenses that she is out as a result of canceling it.

Could you wear the dress you got married in?

I don't feel like she has the right to tell you what to wear, but this late in the game, I don't know if it would be a hill I would be willing to die on.

Hi Vicky! I'm so sorry that she is acting that way about the color of your dress. I agree with the above comments, I think she is overreacting. However, if she is paying for the party I do agree that she has some say in certain things. I would reach out to her and communicate that since you are already married, you feel like you don't need to wear white and that you love this dress! If she still doesn't budge, I would say to go ahead and cancel the party. By no means do you owe her the cost of the deposits, since she never said what her requirements were.

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I got married a black dress also, lol! Last night she said "It's bad enough you got married in a black dress" - which really hurt me to hear since I loved the dress I got married in and have zero regrets about it.

I am of the school that you pick your battles. Is this a hill you are willing to die on when it comes to your and your mother's relationship? If so, stick to your guns. If not, find something she'd like. My own mother is 76 years old. She won't be with me forever. I want our time together to be filled with love and joy and would never let the color of a dress get in the way of that.

So sorry you are going through this. Your mom is absolutely being ridiculous. I think that is really unfair and a bit cruel for her to even throw that in your face!

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Thank you for making me feel less crazy! I also think she's being super ridiculous. it's a dress...it's just not that serious.

Hi Vicky! Wow, this one is a toughy. I am super close to my mom and struggle when we're on opposite pages with wedding stuff as she's been the one by my side. However, FH and I are totally paying for everything which changes things a bit. My FMIL kept telling me how we should ask people to be the god parents of our wedding so that they can pay for it; but by allowing that you are creating for yourself the wedding that others can give you and want to give you, not the one you want. I am sorry that your original dress didn't quite work out for you and thus led to this crazy string of events. What about if you start with a white dress and once dinner is done, etc. you change into the black one ( like the finale, Bam!)? I mean it's all about making you happy and if you want the celebration of marriage to happen maybe there is middle ground. My mom has been in her feelings since I got engaged and sometimes we talk about it and I understand some of what she's going through too so I try and remain considerate of her.

You're not being unreasonable, but your mother certainly is. maybe you could try and appease her somehow? it's not a crazy thought to get your dress altered in two weeks, ive seen worse time crunches

View Quoted Comment Hahaha no you definetly are not crazy. Do you think she’d really cancel it if you don’t wear what she wants?

WOW!! I think your mom is on a bit of a power kick! There are about 100 other ways she could have suggested her preference for white, or compromised on another color... but seriously..... !! That is a power-trip/tantrum. From what you said your feelings, concerns, and how you feel on the day were quickly skirted over, which hurts my heart for you. Are there any other colors you would like other than black? Or would she compromise at all?

LOL, if not I would tell her I lucky had the budget to order apology cards to send to Each and Every Guest with your heart felt regrets that your MOTHER unilaterally decided to cancel the entire event due to her displeasure with you dress color, and that you look forward to hosting an anniversary party for them next year. Put it publicly back on HER. I bet she might reconsider. She probably doesn't want that adult tantrum in the public news

That's kind of ridiculous! Brides/married women wear all sorts of colors! Black is stunning usually. I think your mom is totally overreacting here.

I may be terrible but I would appease my mother and tell her I changed my mind and I was planning on finding a white dress (I would even send her links) and then on the day of wear the dress I wanted. At that point the party is paid for. It's not like she can cancel it the day of. This is the nuclear option and my harm your relationship with your mother, but with my family dynamic this is how I would handle it.