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Dedicated April 2019

How to tell mother I'm eloping?

Summer, on December 9, 2018 at 11:52 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15

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Hi, everyone! My significant other and I have been seriously talking about getting married for the past year or so. We have been together for over 10 years, so getting married would be more of a "finally" reaction from family rather than a surprise. However, with a lot of underlying situations and circumstances, we decided the best thing to do is elope. By elope, I mean he and I only, signing the proper documentation and that's it. No ceremony, no frills, nothing other than signing the paperwork. A few events have caused us to come to this decision: (1) Neither of us are into a wedding where we have to get dressed up, spend all this time and money, and we aren't comfortable with sharing our vows or kissing in front of other people; (2) my father passed away September 15, 2018, and it just wouldnt feel right having a traditional wedding without him there; (3) I've always wanted something nontraditional and this seems like the perfect idea and FH is up for whatever I want. He is more than happy just going to our local courthouse!

We are going to Washington, DC in the spring to see the cherry blossoms and tour the area. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity because it can basically double as a honeymoon. Plus I found DC Elopments online and they can give me the type of ceremony (or nonceremony) we want. They can obtain our marriage license by proxy so all we have to do is meet them and sign the paperwork. That's it! We have already written "shared" vows that we plan to sign and share with one another in private.

We have decided to send out elopement announcements to family and friends when we return home. Everything seems to be planned out great except for one thing: I don't know how to tell my mom. My mom doesn't even know we are thinking about doing it and I'm not sure how to tell her. I don't know if she will be upset that she won't be attending or if she will be okay with it. I'm the baby of the family so I hope she will be okay with not having a real wedding. She is just very emotionally fragile right now from my father's passing, so I wasn't going to tell her until maybe March (planning on getting married on April Fools Day!) But then I thought telling her during Christmas may bring her a little happiness that we are getting married during this otherwise somewhat sad time since it is the first holiday season without my dad.

Do you think I should tell my mom now or wait until closer time? I want to avoid at all cost her feelings getting hurt or thinking that we don't want to include her because my significant other loves my mom as if she were his own mother (his mom passed when he was three) so they are very close. How and when should I tell her?

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Summer, on December 11, 2018 at 1:14 PM

Champion June 2019
Kenisha · on December 9, 2018 at 11:57 AM
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Congratulations 🎊🎈🎉🍾 on your engagement.

I think you should sit sit down, just the two of you, and talk with her.
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Master December 2019
Alyssa · on December 9, 2018 at 12:12 PM
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I think You should tell her sooner than literally before you’re leaving
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Master December 2019
Alyssa · on December 9, 2018 at 12:13 PM
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But I had a child without including anyone so my opinion is definitely not what I actually did
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Dedicated April 2019
Summer · on December 9, 2018 at 12:18 PM
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I wouldn't tell her literally before I left, but a month or two in advance at the latest.

It's just that I literally do not know how to tell her and I am afraid that it may hurt her feelings. I'm not an emotional person, I don't really say I love you to anyone (except my FH) and telling her that I'm getting married is awkward, like admitting I have these feelings that I don't outwardly express. I know this is a personal problem, nothing to do with her, but it is presenting as an obstacle in how to tell her.
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on December 9, 2018 at 1:54 PM
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I don’t have a personal opinion on this as it’s something I’d never do.
But, my mom and dad did it. Everyone knew their plan except my mom’s parents. I knew my parents eloped but I just heard this part of it a month ago because my grandmother is still incredibly mad that no one told her. She’s even mad at my dads mom since she did go to her to devise a plan to stop it (they love my dad always have). And my parents have been married 33 years.
So based on that, you need to at least make sure you tell her before hand. Telling her at Christmas may bring joy but it may bring more sadness too, your dad is gone and now she won’t see your wedding. Maybe tell her after the new year and invite her to go shopping for a dress/outfit. Even though you probably aren’t wanting a gown I’m sure you’ll still want a pretty outfit to wear. And that could help make he feel included.
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Dedicated April 2019
Summer · on December 9, 2018 at 3:25 PM
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Thank you! If it makes it any better, NO ONE knows about it yet except my FH and I, so it isn't like we are going around sharing the news and are intentionally leaving her out of the loop. We would tell her before anyone else, no matter when we decide to tell her. I know that my mom would not be mad at me, she may be sad about it, but she would never let me know as she has always supported me no matter the choices I make. I just don't want to hurt her feelings and never really know if I have hurt them!

You bring up a good point about it potentially evoking more sadness if I tell her at Christmas, so I may wait later on but not too far from now. I thought she and my sister may want to go dress shopping with me (I'm thinking a short, blush colored dress that is casual enough to wear again), I just don't know if they would be sad that they're picking out something for me to wear during a time that they won't even get to see me in, but I guess it is better than them not being included in the decision making process at all. I also thought she may want to help out with expenses as her wedding gift since I won't have an actual wedding to pay for.

Any suggestions on the literal conversation to have with her? I dont know if I should wait for an opportunity in a normal conversation to bring it up or specifically set time aside for the conversation on it's own. But what the heck do I even say?! It makes me anxious just thinking about it!
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on December 9, 2018 at 5:09 PM
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Maybe just in a casual conversation heybyou know me and FH are planning on going to DC while we’re there we thought it would a great opportunity to get married! We can plan a celebration with everyone when we get back
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Super December 2018
Alexandra · on December 10, 2018 at 8:40 AM
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I wouldn't wait so long to tell her... especially since she is emotional right now, the last thing you want is for her to think that you held something from her... I think that telling her sooner will lessen the blow...
Is it an absolute done deal already? Because what if you do the courthouse thing in your home town so she can go? She could be a type of witness without being a big deal.
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Dedicated April 2019
Summer · on December 10, 2018 at 9:12 AM
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That is true, sooner is better probably for multiple reasons. Plus I thought she may want to help me choose an photographer or something.

Nothing is set in stone except that we have reserved our hotel for the time we plan on being there. Nothing has been officially done for the marriage yet. The thought that she may want us to do it in our hometown crossed my mind so it would probably be good to let her know now because if she says she would like to see it, I'm going to do what she would want. Then we could just go to DC for the honeymoon. You bring up some good points to think about. The only reason we dont want to do it in our hometown is because we would have to actually exchange vows in front of the officiant and witnesses and that's just uncomfortable for us. Dc means we dont have to
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VIP April 2019
Nikita · on December 10, 2018 at 9:15 AM
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As others have said, sit her down and have the conversation. Maybe throw her a bone - just don't make the elopement negotiable.
Two of our good friends are eloping, and the groom's mother was initially devastated. The mother threw an engagement party so she could still "celebrate." Maybe suggest a small dinner or something when you come home so they she can "toast" the moment.

*Edit* your mom should also know you guys well enough to be expecting something like this. Especially since you've been together so long.; So keep in mind, if she's really supportive she'll understand, she just may want something small to be able to share in your happiness.
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Super December 2018
Alexandra · on December 10, 2018 at 10:23 AM
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You don't have to make it a thing... you can still elope... just have your mom be there. With all the emotions right now, I agree with you that she might feel left out if you do it somewhere else... It is your wedding so if you don't want vows or anything then don't do it. You can do whatever you both feel comfortable with. I don't know how close you are to your mom, but my mom would be hurt if she wasn't present to "see me getting married" even in the courthouse... You don't have to invite anyone else. (or just make it a parents only thing).
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Master October 2018
HayMrsO · on December 10, 2018 at 1:59 PM
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Congratulations on deciding to elope! It sounds very well thought out.
As for your mom, I don't think I would make a point to tell her at Christmas time. It may be hard for her. Think about it. "Hey, we are getting married! But you aren't invited." Ouch.
I think I would do it after the new year. Explain why you chose to elope, as I think all of your reasons are valid. Just don't keep her in the dark too long after the new year.
Best of luck to you!
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Super January 2019
PurdyAikey · on December 10, 2018 at 2:09 PM
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I think the sooner you tell her the better. This will give her time to process her feelings before you actually get married. If her feelings are hurt about not being there, you will have some time to talk her through it, and make it clear you aren't excluding her you just really want it to be you and SO.
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Dedicated January 2020
Hummingbird · on December 10, 2018 at 2:23 PM
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My father passed in 2012, so I understand the sensitivity of the timing. Be prepared for mixed emotions! I’m a proponent of always being upfront and honest with people, so telling her sooner than later is the best bet. Also, it’ll make you feel better and enjoy the process more, which you definitely deserve. Sometimes people have a pleasant way of surprising us. Best of luck!
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Dedicated April 2019
Summer · on December 11, 2018 at 1:14 PM
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Thanks, everyone! I talked to FH about it yesterday and he thinks after Christmas, but not too long after, would be best to tell her. Maybe the first or second week of January. That way she has time to process it, she can help me choose elopement announcements. Etc. I think this way she can still be part of the process and hopefully any hurt feelings will be resolved by April so we can enjoy this time without any guilty emotions. Her reaction is the only one I am concerned about.

I also think we will bring it up in conversation about our DC vacation. She knows we are planning on going then. So maybe mention how pretty it will be that time of year because of the cherry blossoms and we thought it would be fun to elope and her thoughts on it. I know she will say whatever makes us happy is what she wants, but it will hopefully be an easy way to get into the topic.
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