How to Tell Groomsman ‘you Cannot Wear That’

Him being a pushy jerk (that annoys me so much) I’m iffy on requiring the old uniform. (And if it’s the old Army uniform that thing was ugly, I hope the new one is better! I just had flashbacks of wearing that thing LOL) wearing the uniform isn’t a color coordination thing. If he were in another service, it would’t match at all.
Your request is perfectly reasonable and I would probably dig my heels in because pushy people push my buttons.
I’m no help am I?

I understand your frustration but I would step back and let your future spouse (FS) handle this one. His friend, his problem. If your FS decides NOT to handle it (that is, let his friend wear the outfit he wants), then respect your FS's decision and let the matter drop.

Life and wedding planning are all about picking one's battles. This battle isn't worth your energy.

View Quoted Comment LOL No worries! The new green one (AGSU) looks really good. My fiancé will probably be wearing it and it will look amazing. I kind of wish they had it when I was in.


I think it’s really the person asking, to be honest, as well as the tone of the asking. I don’t handle begging well unless it’s from a dog.

I guess one question is would this groomsmen be more receptive to you telling him no or hearing it from your fiancé? I understand you said your fiancé tends to give into him often, but taking a stab at this dude’s reaction based off what you said of his personality, I’m gonna guess that if you told him no, he’d get in his feelings, probably start some drama, and pressure your fiancé even more to bend to his whims. Neither of you needs those problems.


I would say that this is an opportunity for your fiancé to stand his ground for both of your sakes. If he comes from a place of sincerity and says something along the lines of “As a close friend of mine, I’m glad you want to support me and my fiancé on our special day. As such, I would appreciate you wearing the suit I’ve requested for all of you because I know you’re here to help celebrate our day as a friend.” That’s really clunky 😅 but you get the point. It’s essentially reinforcing his role as a groomsmen and asking in a subtle way whether he’s there to support you both by agreeing to a simple request. If not, you have your answer and, honestly, I would consider booting him out of the groomsmen party if he’s going to be a brat. Best of luck!

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I tend to get my back up over that!
The last time I was in dress uniform I was pregnant and the jacket was tent and I was so embarrassed. And mad my boss made me buy one when I had one mont left in the Army. (Still bitter 23 years later!)

View Quoted Comment He would attempt to guilt either one of us into doing what he wants. He’s that kind of person.


Thank you. I think you are right. It’s really the most annoying thing about the planning so far outside of COVID worries.

View Quoted Comment Perhaps it’s a concerted effort from the both of you then. Stand your ground, reinforce that the day is about you two, and if the diplomatic approach doesn’t work, put it bluntly to tell him he can either get with the program or get out b/c sometimes those type of people just need a reality check. Of course, I say that without consideration of the extent of y’all’s relationship with him is (whether he’s a close friend, more of an acquaintance, family, etc. and what the consequences of a falling out might be). But, again, if he can’t put aside his own selfish, egotistical wants for a day, that says a lot.


Sorry you’re dealing with this! Totally can’t imagine how frustrating it is on top of everything else. 🙄

The groomsmen are supposed to match the uniform of the groom. I feel that this is your FH's battle to fight. If you join in, it may undermine your FH's "authority" for lack of a better term.

So ridiculous. This groomsman guy seriously wants to upstage the groom, his good friend. Everyone will see this guy as being a true jerk. Some people are completely oblivious to proper etiquette.

If this is the appropriate new uniform for him to wear too, he should be able to wear it too, not stick with the old one. A half million guys a year get married in black with black bow ties, and no one ever thought the groom did not stand out. Twp or three in the same uniform, same thing. Don't over think the details, or after the wedding a whole lot of people will mad at you for things nobody will give a hoot about on wedding day.

View Quoted Comment

Oh I like this response and am here for it!

I think it's your FI's choice. If he doesn't care that the GM wears the new uniform then let him.

They are both in the military then they should both wear the most current dress uniform. Just because your wedding is happening during an apparent transition in the uniform doesn't change the fact. If the wedding happened two years ago or two years in the future, I assume there would only be one dress uniform choice, which they would both wear.

View Quoted Comment Proper etiquette? There is nothing in etiquette that says it is ok to dress a soldier in a now obsolete dress uniform, instead of the current one, because the bride wants groom stand out. ... And it certainly is not right to do it because she thinks he is a pushy jerk. ... Go to a military base sometime. Every single soldier of the same rank will be in the same, current uniform at any occasion where dress uniform is called for. Their wives or SO don't decide that. And the friend is not upstaging the groom. They are both wearing the same uniform because the
army decreed it to be the new correct one to wear.