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Devoted June 2018

How to tell friend attending my wedding that i can’t attend theirs?

Sarah, on April 27, 2018 at 1:52 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21

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A couple months after my fiancé and I got engaged,
my friend announced that he and his fiancé are engaged. I’m so excited for them both! His fiancé wasn’t able to attend our engagement party because he was working, but I told my friend I couldn’t wait to meet him. His mom made a comment at our engagement party asking if I was flying back to CA for their engagement party... I never got the email invite. So, unfortunately I had not planned for that travel and didn’t go.

Fast-forward a couple months later and we received their wedding invitations in January... for a wedding in Mexico! It looks beautiful and totally up my friends alley. However, my fiancé is on a strict visa and cannot leave the country without specific consent from his country’s embassy. Not only would I feel bad going without him, my fiancé doesn’t feel comfortable with my traveling to Mexico alone without him, given recent travel news there. (He’s a sweet protective one 😜) not to mention, I’m taking a LOT of time off work for our wedding and honeymoon, and it’s not looking promising that I will have enough hours to take off if travel weren’t an issue.

So, I likely won’t be able to go it looks like. Here is the kicker — they have already RSVP’d that they are both coming to our wedding just 1 month before theirs. I feel horrible! Anyone have advice on how to let him down easy? I hate feeling so guilty. One of my friends mentioned that’s the risk they run in having a destination wedding out of the country, but it doesn’t feel any less crappy having to say no!

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21 Comments

Latest activity by Lilly, on February 9, 2022 at 11:06 AM

Super November 2018
Kiwibride · on April 27, 2018 at 1:59 AM
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Don't stress about it, your friends will understand. I'd decline and send them a nice gift. You don't have to offer a reason but I'd just let them know that you're not able to take the time off work and organise to celebrate with them another time
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Expert May 2018
Nick & Joi · on April 27, 2018 at 2:42 AM
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Totally agree with your reply. Politely decline, I understand your situation op. Don’t feel bad hun
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Devoted June 2018
Sarah · on April 27, 2018 at 2:45 AM
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We definitely want to send them a gift. They haven’t created any registries — I wonder if that’s in lieu of a destination wedding, but will try to think of something nice to soften the blow some!
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Devoted June 2018
Sarah · on April 27, 2018 at 2:46 AM
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Thank you 💕 this is a hard one for me. He and I have been friends since I was 15; he was my designated high school dance date and I was his “beard” before he came out. It just seems so unfair that he would get to witness our wedding and is not witness his. If it weren’t for the location I’d be there in a heartbeat! But of course I’m not going to tell him that.
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Expert October 2018
Allison · on April 27, 2018 at 8:32 AM
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I'm having a DW, and you should go into it prepared a lot of people can't come.
I'm going to my cousins wedding a month before ours, but I'd be surprised if she came to ours.
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Super September 2018
Janel · on April 27, 2018 at 8:43 AM
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Totally agree that they will understand!
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VIP September 2018
Michelle · on April 27, 2018 at 9:00 AM
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I think with a destination wedding it’s completely understandable that some cannot attend. My FHs cousin is getting married in the Dominican and we can’t swing that as we are trying to pay for our own wedding. She’s coming to ours but we can’t make it to hers and thats okay with her
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Master July 2018
RZ_ToBe · on April 27, 2018 at 10:00 AM
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My best friend of 15 years planned on coming to my wedding in July. We made arrangements since she and I both moved to different states. Unfortunately, due to some issues and an unplanned expense, she had to cancel. She felt horrible.

But I understood completely. My wedding is already semi-destination for most of my guests and she would be traveling the farthest. I expected a lot more declines anyway. Sure, it sucks that she won't be there, but I understand the situation. I'm sure your friend will have the same view and understand that taking time off and your partner's visa are difficult obstacles.

I agree with what others have said about sending a nice gift though. Even if they don't have a registry, I'm sure you can send something lovely for their honeymoon or a general household gift. Even 3 months of a box subscription like Blue Apron would probably be appreciated.
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Dedicated May 2018
Claire · on April 27, 2018 at 10:01 AM
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People understand - especially with destination weddings. I wouldn't stress about it. Just sent a nice gift with a sweet note.
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Devoted June 2018
Sarah · on April 27, 2018 at 10:24 AM
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This makes me feel a lot better given you're in a similar situation and she's family! Thank you for sharing!
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Dedicated June 2018
EML · on April 27, 2018 at 10:31 AM
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Are they local? While I agree with PP that when it comes to DWs the couple should understand it's going to be even harder for people to come and that declining and sending a gift is a great option. If they're local maybe after they get back you could take them out for or cook them a special "congrats" dinner?
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Devoted June 2018
Sarah · on April 27, 2018 at 10:33 AM
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They're local to our wedding state, but not to us :-/ but I travel to CA now and then. I was born and raised in OC, CA, and our wedding is in San Diego, CA, so a couple hours out. That's a good idea, though! Definitely going to look for a nice gift, I've even thought of a spa package for the two of them to enjoy and relax with as newlyweds.
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Devoted June 2018
Sarah · on April 27, 2018 at 10:34 AM
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Great ideas for the gifts! I thought of possibly finding a nice spa in their area and booking them a couples package, too. Going to start looking at some options!
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Master October 2018
MrsV1027 · on April 27, 2018 at 10:40 AM
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Don't stress too much. I'm sure they understand that non everyone will be able to make esp since it's out of the country. We are having a DW and totally understand those that can't make it
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Champion June 2018
muriel · on April 27, 2018 at 11:43 AM
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Not only did they choose a destination wedding (a choice which comes with the understanding that many people won't be able to attend), but they also set their date for a month after your wedding. Most people would realize that your budget would be stretched to the max planning your own wedding, much less being able to fund travel to someone else' wedding a month later.
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Devoted June 2018
Janie · on April 27, 2018 at 11:49 AM
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I think she will understand! Those are all very valid reasons to not be able to attend. If I were you, I'd send a sweet gift and card expressing how badly you wish you could be there and make plans to get together for a nice dinner to celebrate.
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VIP May 2018
Red Queen · on April 27, 2018 at 4:16 PM
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I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think that destination weddings place too much of a burden on guests and that the bride and groom have to be understanding of guests who can't attend even if they would like to.
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Super April 2019
Kodi · on April 27, 2018 at 4:25 PM
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I think they will understand! I'd hope they would. You have a very good real reason as to why you can't make it.
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Expert June 2018
Bride2B · on April 27, 2018 at 9:50 PM
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It's a rough situation you have, but I'm sure your friend understands, especially given your FH's unique constraints. Politely decline.
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Devoted June 2019
JenB · on April 28, 2018 at 5:56 PM
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I am sure they will understand. Just let them know you have no vacation time left. Thats something every working person has to go thru. Love the idea of the spa gift for them!
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