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Savvy November 2021

How to tell a grandmother she is not invited?

Hannah, on September 28, 2020 at 6:11 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 13
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Hello,



to be clear, I can't stand my grandmother. Every time you do something meant nice, she's making bad comments, every time we meet, she's criticising something and on the other hand she's offended quickly if you don't play as if the grandmothers are the most importand thing in every childrens life. I always tried to not see her too much and search for not offending excusions why I had no time to talk to her (my parents live in the same house as my grandparents so it wasn't too easy). For our wedding we planned to have just a small gardenparty with 20 people in total, just brothers and sisters, parents and 8 closest friends. My FHs grandmother in fact will be there too, because we will do the gardenparty in his parents garden and his grandmother lives in that house as well. Of course, I can tell my grandmother, we wanted the party as small and relaxed as possible, so every further person would make it bigger than we want, but this wouldn't stop her from making a hell of it and be very very deeply offended. She could never understand, why I don't just enjoy big parties as much as she does and she would only see the intent of saving money in cutting the guests to 20, not the intend of just disliking big crowds and wanting a relaxed athmosphere. And in her mind, not inviting her would of course just mean that she is completely indiffent for me. How can I explain to her, that I do not want her participate in my big day (surely, she would ruin it for me) without having to prepare for the hell?

13 Comments

Latest activity by Hannah, on September 29, 2020 at 3:46 PM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    Omg my fiancé and I went through the same thing with BOTH of his grandmothers. We both ended up kindly sending them a nice long text telling them that they were uninvited. They both were actually invited but did some shady stuff that we don’t approve of at all.


    So I definitely get where you are coming from. Family or not, if she’s constantly being negative then I don’t blame you at all!
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  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    It sounds like you’re describing my grandmother!!!! She’s the same way and currently not invited to our wedding because she constantly brings drama to everything, makes things all about her, and I’m just sick of the negativity. It sounds like you are trying to make it a little nicer by offering an explanation. I’m telling mine that I can’t trust her to behave herself at our wedding and I’m sick of the drama and negativity, so unless she drastically changes that within a year she will not be attending. However I am a very confrontational person and understand not everyone else is. But honestly...sometimes the truth is just the thing they need to hear, so I would try to keep it as truthful as you can without causing you too much harm or negativity.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Truthfully no way to do it without hell. Sounds to me like you do not really care to have a relationship for her so would you be okay if she maybe ignored you. Here is the better question, have you discussed this with your parents because she is one of their mothers and I would not want to have a problem with your parents because of it. I would say to avoid issues that you want to limit the wedding to a few family and unfortunately you are unable to invite her. I would almost say maybe deal with it the day of but I would hate for her in any way to ruin your beautiful day. Btw garden wedding sounds lovely.

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  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
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    I have a grandmother exactly like that. She's not on the guest list. No explanation needed. People can get upset but we're not inviting any toxic people no matter who they are.


    Don't send an invite or discuss wedding plans with her, period. Some people have to be cut off with no contact and you become mentally healthier as a result.
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  • Shelby
    Shelby ·
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    Invite her. You’ll regret it if she isn’t there because you don’t get along and she doesn’t say anything nice. Be the bigger person and do something nice for her, let her be a part of your special day, because maybe she’s insecure and haughty because she’s scared silly. It’s ok not to like her and to keep her at arms length the rest of the time, but wouldn’t it be a testament to your elegant and gracious character if you overlooked that for a day? It will cause bitterness and hatred between you if you are malicious, but love may go farther than you can see. She may be overly prideful and rude, but it would be prideful and rude to exclude her because she gets on her nerves. Kill with kindness. Get the satisfaction of smiling sweetly at her and being gentle when she pops off and know that YOU did that, YOU can handle it!!! You don’t have to stoop to her level, and she may regret not being nicer to you if you don’t invite her, but her days are numbered and you may kick yourself for the bitter feelings that come with not showing her love when she shows you spite.


    Just my opinion sis 😘
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  • H
    Savvy November 2021
    Hannah ·
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    You can't imagine how many times I already tried that. If you do the dishes for her, she'll say how you did it wrong. If you invite her for food, she'll tell you it doesn't taste. If you vakuum clean the parents living room and taking hers with when alredy doing so she sees how unthoroughly you do. And in fact we want to not have more than 20 persons. If I would invite her, I had to invite my grandfather and the other grandmother too and then it would already feel again like a big crowd.
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  • H
    Savvy November 2021
    Hannah ·
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    I would even be happy if she ignored me, but she wouldn't do, for sure. No, I haven't discussed it with my parents, but I also haven't invited my other grandparents because we really want to have it the smallest as possible (we thoght about eloping but decided to make a compromising plan to include our very closest and share our joy with them) and then it would already be 3 persons more. I just didn't mention the other two grandparents because they would understand the reasons, they wouldn't freek out and they are not offended that quickly.
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  • H
    Savvy November 2021
    Hannah ·
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    And we still didn't invite anyone else until now, we are still in the beginning of our engagement and don't even have a date until now
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I mean if it does not bother you to not have a strong relationship with her then that is an easy decision to let her know that you are keeping the wedding small so unfortunately you cannot invite her. I just do not want you to have issues with your parents if they feel that she needs to be there especially when you are inviting the other parents.

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  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    You could not invite any grandparents (and this would solve some of the bicycle problem too)

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  • H
    Savvy November 2021
    Hannah ·
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    I see, you read more of my posts Smiley smile


    Yeah, but it would be kind of weird to uninvite FHs grandmother since we do our gardeparty in his families garden, behind his families house and she lives in this house too
    And I think that would not make a big change on my grandmother being offended
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    I see that a PP said to invite your grandmother, or you'll regret it later. I invited my grandmother when I got married, but didn't invite my father's 3 brothers or their families. I didn't like them, they didn't like me... it was a mutual kind of thing. Grandma called and said Sorry, but if you don't invite them, I can't come, either, I said Ok! Sorry you won't be there. And she wasn't there. I haven't regretted it for one second. The day went by with no drama, no family antics. Everyone who was there came because they loved me, I loved them, and it was a wonderful day.

    I suggest if you want to do more than just not invite her, call. That way, when she starts being her negative, critical self, you can just say you have to go and hang up. And if she calls back? Call screening is a life saver!

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  • H
    Savvy November 2021
    Hannah ·
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    Thank you, calling sounds like a good idea. I thought I had to explain it face to face to my grandparents, but I guess calling will be easier for me and still personal
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