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Savvy June 2018

How to survive a marriage with an Angry husband

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Mrs. Chrissy, on September 21, 2018 at 9:03 PM

My husband and I should be in our honeymoon phase post-wedding, but we’re not. We’re in a little over 3 months, and our marriage is already on the rocks. I honestly don’t know how this happened. One moment, we’re in love and enjoying being newlyweds for a good 3 weeks, and then bam! The fights have become increasingly hurtful, moreso emotionally than physically. We’ve gotten into 3 HUGE fights since then, not to mention the little petty arguments and outbursts that I try so hard to dismiss. Each fight, he has thrown the “D” word — divorce. It has me questioning everything and our vows we made to each other. I’ve heard some women describe how their husband changed after marriage and how their true selves came out. I don’t want to accept that this is what may have happened to my husband. But I also knew months into dating, he had an anger problem. We somehow navigated it through it and came out understanding each other. Now, there’s none of that. I feel like he has no respect for me and the line was crossed months ago. In the moment, I can only see this spiraling into the worst possible scenarios. But when things are at peace between us, I really believe we can make it through this like those 45+ year marriages you hear of.

He is the love love of my life and we really do get along well when there’s no anger in the equation. We have the same moral beliefs and have similar upbringings. Our personalities, when in a fight, clash and it’s an uphill battle I think we’re losing. We’ve talked about counseling many times and have seen 1 psychologist who he didn’t like. He’s had a history of going to an anger management group/session, but stated it doesn’t work. He’s also claimed that he thinks an eastern-based psychologist would be more helpful, but he’s yet to find a therapist. I have also been contemplating on revising my therapist just for my sanity, but my current insurance situation doesn’t allow me to do so. His mother had a glimpse of our fight and how he treats me, was completely ashamed of his actions towards me, but ultimately advised me to leave the room and allow him to stew in his own anger until he apologizes. I tried a few times, but I’m inconsistent with handling my own emotions at the time and haven’t been perfect about leaving him to think to himself.

Any advice on living with a husband who has anger issues would be appreciated. How do you live with him? How do you make it work? Is it better to just throw in the towel now than to later end up in divorce anyway?

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91 Comments

Savvy June 2018
Mrs. Chrissy · on September 22, 2018 at 12:58 AM
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That was very hard to read, but I appreciate your candor and advice. With each fight and escalation, it is something I am considering. However, my best friend has also advised me to fight for my marriage, that if there is any relationship I fight for, it's this one. And of course, I love this man. But I also know that if there's no respect, compromise, and caring for each other's heart, this love wouldn't be worth fighting for.
I am torn because I want us to figure this out together and beat his anger, but a few of the things you mentioned have either happened or are slowly becoming reality, I'm afraid. Again, thank you for your advice. I will definitely keep it in mind.
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Savvy June 2018
Mrs. Chrissy · on September 22, 2018 at 1:01 AM
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Have firm boundaries -- this is something I know I don't have with him. I think it's because I felt like since I trusted him, I never had to do that. But I see how setting firm boundaries is applicable in this situation and may help if I'm consistent. Hearing that your parents are still married gives me hope. Thank you. I will look into that book.
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Beginner April 2019
angela · on September 22, 2018 at 1:01 AM
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Hey Chrissy sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch so soon after the wedding! Please don't consider divorce so soon you both took vows that say through good and bad! this isnt an ideal situation but you're his wife and maybe talking things out on a day when he is not angry and discussing how he's making you feel will help ask him what triggers his anger and maybe you both can come up with a solution or a get away. A local couples massage? sometimes its the little things that cause the big arguments but every marriage will have its problems. Stay strong honey and pray allot I hope things get better for you guys and you find the help you're seeking
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Master September 2019
Colleen · on September 22, 2018 at 1:14 AM
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Leaving is not you giving in. It is you being safe. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to let him know he can no longer hurt you. That you are better then that.
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Devoted October 2019
Becca · on September 22, 2018 at 1:16 AM
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This. Leaving means you care about you enough to take care of yourself. It sends a strong message to someone. He only has as much power over you as you give him.
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Super March 2019
Mcellist · on September 22, 2018 at 8:54 AM
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Sooo... he sounds like he has a lot of anger from possible trauma in his life. Does he? He honestly sounds like my dad who ended up being quite abusive (physically & emotionally) to my mom & sisters. My parents never went to counseling. You two should go and work to the root of his anger. Secondly, I would start journaling if I were you. This will help pinpoint the things that are really upsetting you and him. I have found it helps, also, because you can really check for patterns in behavior. However, I will say that though I agree fighting for your marriage is important & so are vows- being with a man who disrespects you is NOT a part of that statement. YOU and ONLY YOU teach people HOW you want to be loved. I hope you find your answer and I can only imagine the angst, frustration & pain. I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. Whatever you chose to do, know this:

1) You are a beautiful & strong woman who deserves love, compassion & respect.

2) Anyone who makes YOU question YOUR worth, doesn't deserve your love or time.

3) Your happiness is ALWAYS #1. So think right now... in your heart, are you happy? If you even have to hesitate for a second, you know your answer.
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Devoted September 2016
Carrie · on September 22, 2018 at 8:55 AM
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The 'bad' doesn't refer to physical and verbs abuse. If she is being disrespected and abused, she absolutely needs to put herself first and that might mean divorce. There is no shame in divorce.

Op, I'm really sorry this is happening. I agree with others that this sounds as if it will continue going downhill. I agree with therapy, as well as setting boundaries. If he then continues to cross them, I would be done. You don't deserve to be disrespected and abused. Can you do this for the rest of your life? the title of your post says it all: surviving marriage. You shouldn't have to survive marriage. Do not be ashamed about potentially getting a divorce. Put yourself first.
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Master September 2019
Colleen · on September 22, 2018 at 9:10 AM
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She is being physically abused. And emotionally abused he took vows to. Ni one should ever stay in a place that is harmftto them.
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VIP June 2019
Danielle K · on September 22, 2018 at 9:27 AM
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FH also has a bad temper and seems to be angry a lot. I on the other hand rarely get angry but when I do it is explosive.
Not everyone's anger is the same so IDK if what works for us will work for you.
FH yells and yells ranting about minor stuff. I used to really fight to calm him down or get angry because he was always angry. I learned to tune him out (but not completely because he would get even more angry if he found out I wasn't listening). I don't take what he bi***es about to heart, and just let it roll off of me. He calms down pretty shortly and everything is fine.
I am the type to bottle till I forget but he HAS to get it out.
IDK if you have ever heard of the term "Love Languages" (you should read the book although I have not lol) but I think there are also anger languages. I have learned in my relationship that I can not leave the room to cool off like I used to (and it sounds like you should consider) but instead I have to face him(WITH A LOVING TONE NOT ANGER) and talk out our feelings. He has leaned that he can not pretend a fight didn't happen after he has calmed down. I require a discussion and probably an apology if he was wrong or said anything hurtful.
Find out what your DH requires to feel better and make sure he understands what you need and reciprocates.
also IMHO I think you should set very clear boundaries about what is "too far" in a fight. FH knows if he were to threaten to divorce, I would make him live up to it. I absolutely will not stand for threats.
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Super May 2019
B11 · on September 22, 2018 at 9:33 AM
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It’s escalated from emotional abuse to physical abuse. Get out now. It’s not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse.
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Master October 2018
DC Wife 10.27.18 · on September 22, 2018 at 9:37 AM
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Seek counseling immediately. If he refuses to go or makes no effort if he does then you have to do what is right for you.
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Champion June 2010
Laura · on September 22, 2018 at 9:40 AM
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Chrissy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve to be treated this way. It is not your fault and it's not your failure in any way if you end a marriage in which you're being abused. That's not failing, that's standing up for yourself and surviving. Whether or not he agrees to go to counseling, I really encourage you to talk to someone on your own. There are also so many free and confidential counseling hotlines out there that do absolutely amazing work, such as 7 Cups of Tea, the National Domestic Violence Hotline and website, Mental Health America, and The Hope Line - and if you feel you are in danger you should call 911 immediately. Please don't hesitate to use these resources if you need them. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Someone from our team will reach out soon by email to check in on you.
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Devoted October 2020
Camille · on September 22, 2018 at 11:56 AM
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Set boundaries. Get help, both alone and together. My FH gets angry when something is happening at work or in his life that he’s not ready to tell me and it took me a long time to learn to leave him alone. I used to push it so hard until we fought and then would do what it sounds like you’re doing, leaving and then coming back right away to try and fix it. You have to just give him space! I know it’s so much easier said than done, but you have to let him come to you. He will come to you when he’s ready and if he doesn’t, that’s a bigger problem.

As other PPs have said, please do not feel like you have to stay in this relationship just because you are married. You need to put yourself first. If he is degrading you and disrespecting you on a constant basis, LEAVE! Situations like that will get worse - that is so much more than just anger. You know the situation best and sometimes you need to make the tough decisions.
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Super November 2018
April · on September 22, 2018 at 12:22 PM
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My advice would be couples counseling and breaks. When an argument starts to get out of hand or you can see it going that way, call a timeout and take a break from each other, come back calm and rational. In my relationship I am the one with an anger issue where I will go from zero to 60 in no time but I am also quite rational and can usually see that I am doing that and stop myself before it gets too bad. My Fiance is emotional and when we fight, he fights that way. His emotions let loose and he may say things he wish he hadnt and isnt capable of realizing it at the time. So me being the logical one, even with my temper, I have had to learn to be the one to call a timeout. Sometimes he doesnt pay attention to it and we get into a big fight but a lot of times that timeout really helps us. The most important thing is that we both agree we want to be better at how we handle arguements.
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VIP August 2018
Kristen · on September 22, 2018 at 12:30 PM
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Based on the physical abuse ALONE you can't stay there. This will only escalate. You need to protect yourself. I'm not saying immediately divorce him, but you can't stay there with him. Maybe if you let him know you will not allow him to treat you that way and leave he will wake up and seek help, but you can't let anyone put their hands on you and just take it.
This is a abuse. It is starting small and will work its way up to even worse behavior. Besides the physical, him saying things like threatening divorce are him manipulating you. Emotional abuse is not right. He obviously needs help and when/if he is ready for it you can begin to work on your relationship.
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Devoted December 2018
futuremrsS · on September 22, 2018 at 12:40 PM
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This might seem like an odd suggestion but have you ever taken a MyersBrigg personality test. When I met my FH I was well aware of mine and found it helpful to understand myself. There was actions and reactions I didn't understand by my FH things he would do that hurt my feelings (very non verbal about emotions). I asked him if he would take a personality test. I Googled his results and it gave me a lot of insight on why he does or acts the way he does. You can even Google both personalities in a relationship and there usually is a good amount of articles about how to approach your SO and what obsticles you may face. It may be worth a try. If you both go into it with open eyes. You may learn so much about Eachother. Even have those "that's why he/she does that."
(side note abusive behavior needs to be put to a stop now. Things can escalate quickly and he need to understand that behavior is not to be tolerated in any way shape or form.)
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Super January 2019
Tracy · on September 22, 2018 at 12:48 PM
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Sweetie, this is really tough. The one person you can control in this situation is yourself. Don't fight back, don't yell, stay calm, and extricate yourself from hostile situations (and this is a hostile situation). If you can't/won't change, why would you expect it of him? One recommendation....calmly tell him you love him, desperately want to save your marriage, and that you will be staying at XYZ until you two get counseling and you can feel safe again. Otherwise, you will be more than happy to take him up on his threats of divorce. Take personal control of this situation and get proper help. Empower yourself....you DO have the power to manage YOU. Wishing you all the best!
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Master August 2017
firstoneat56 · on September 22, 2018 at 1:17 PM
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This isn’t a “rough patch.” From what OP said he has a history of anger and it’s already escalated from verbal/emotional to physical abuse.

OP, in my opinion, one of you needs to leave the home immediately! If you want to work on your marriage, that’s up to you. However, nothing will change without intense therapy. Sounds like you both need individual therapy and marriage counseling. Anger is likely his coping mechanism and he is not going to give it up until he finds a way (through consistent and continual therapy) to substitute that for something healthy. His remorse is just manipulation to keep you staying and gives you hope something will change, but you know in your heart it won’t.

Youre first priority is keeping yourself safe. You cannot “fix” him yourself.
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Master July 2018
Cuoghi · on September 22, 2018 at 2:08 PM
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You can love him, but love yourself more! And loving someone means you want the best for them which in this case my mean separation, counseling, divorce. For him to use divorce as a threat is him trying to manipulate you and belittle you. It is like when kids fight and one of them takes something that has meaning to someone but not to the other (i.e. a favorite stuffed animal) and hides it/ruins it/threatens to harm. It is also means that your marriage has no worth to him, if it didnt, he wouldn't use it in the threat.
I'm not saying couples shouldnt fight. Anyone you says that or says they have never had a single fight with their SO is delusional or has their own issues.
There is also the concept of "fighting right" arguing with someone you love is different that your sibling, friend, etc https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201306/how-fight-right
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VIP June 2019
MIWM · on September 22, 2018 at 6:58 PM
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If it's physical than you need to end the marriage.
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