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Cabrijoh
Just Said Yes September 2021

How to stay firm that i don't want a reception?

Cabrijoh, on December 29, 2020 at 6:57 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 1 16
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Hi, folks!

I'm getting married in September, in a mountainside micro-wedding with just our parents and siblings present - basically all but an elopement. Our extended families keep not-so-subtly hinting that they just can't waaaaait for us to throw a lavish reception back home. The problem: we do not want, and do not intend to host, a reception.

I don't want to be pressured into hosting an expensive party that I know I will not enjoy. I have always viewed the reception as something one does for the guests - it's not much about the bride & groom at all. Since we are doing a super-small destination micro-wedding, we won't have scores of guests to receive. My fiancé has quite a lot of family out-of-state, so they would have to fly in to our home state for a separate party, weeks after the wedding has already occurred. This feels... silly. And the long & short of it, really, is that we do not want one.

It's very easy to say that we aren't planning to host a reception because we can't account for whether or not it would be safe to do so due to the pandemic - but now I'm getting a lot of comments like "Oh, well you can just do it the following summer!"

I feel backed into a corner and I don't know how to politely say "I absolutely, 100% do not want to do this. I love you very much but I will lose my actual mind if I am forced into hosting a reception so that other people can say they ate a bunch of cake, didn't dance, and talked to my husband & myself for four whole minutes shortly following our wedding day."

How do I fend off this unwanted train of thought, without offending anybody? It's coming from all sides. Help!

16 Comments

Latest activity by Cassi, on December 31, 2020 at 2:24 AM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Honestly, just stand firm. No one can force you into throwing a reception. Just politely say, "we have thought about it and we really do not want a large reception. However, maybe we can toast next time we see each other!" Or something like that.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle Online ·
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    Say it like you did in your hypothetical. That is polite and gets the message across. Send announcements to those you wish who were not invited and do not engage their conversations. You can't stop someone from being offended but they are wrong to pressure you in the first place.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    VIP August 2020
    Katie ·
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    I totally get it - I am a people pleaser too and it’s tough. I think what you wrote is perfect “I love you so much but this is really what we truly want. I can’t wait to show you pictures of our wedding. I’ve always wanted a very small wedding and this is my dream.”


    When we downsized our wedding, so many people would tell me how sorry they felt for me and I responded truthfully “actually this is what I always wanted in the beginning and I’m really happy about it. This is my dream!” There were no questions after that 👍❤️
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    I think the Pandemic excuse you are using is perfect. If people counter that with suggesting you do it the following year, I would just smile and say we’ll see. Chances are, it will get completely forgotten and dropped when it’s that far away. And if not, you can simply say at that point you guys are already married and have decided not to have a reception that long after your wedding.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Honey weddings ar eone of those life events where people feel the need to express their opinions and may not be happy if you do something they do not like. Who cares if you sound like a jerk. Just say we are not doing a reception. I easily told people we are not having a big wedding. If you want just say it is not something you two want to do and we would rather use our money elsewhere. I would literally say "Sorry but we have decided we are not doing a reception at all. We wanted to keep our wedding small and not spend a lot of money. We hope you understand.

    • Reply
  • Sharonda
    Super January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    I think people just want to celebrate with you and may not be listening to or aware of what you want (unfortunately). I was in a similar situation and people wanted my fiancé and I to throw a “reception” later — where I wore my dress, we had first dances, toasts, etc. My fiancé and I are not inclined to do that but we do want to celebrate with extended family later so once the wedding video comes in, we’re doing a seafood boil in his hometown in Mississippi and a “I Do BBQ” in my hometown in Florida — a low key opportunity to get together and for everyone to see the wedding video ... but there will no dress, wedding cake, etc. at these parties (not receptions). We’ve told our families what we plan to do, and that’s that.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    This urging you on may be a misguided attempt to see you get everything they think you want, and not any desire on their part to come to your delayed wedding reception. It has
    not occurred to them that you might ne er have wanted it, Covid or not. Don't have a party you don't want. A lot of people have always truly eloped, or had very small private mostly family ceremonies.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I reccommd you stand firm but polite. Use COVID as a valid excuse
    • Reply
  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    While Covid provides a great excuse, it is likely these people are assuming you are only having a small wedding because of Covid and not because it is the type of wedding you actually want. Kindly explain that you’ve always dreamed of an intimate wedding and have never desired a large event. Covid is just a coincidence!
    • Reply
  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    Have your cute micro wedding and then tell people you will be saving money for a house or something and if someone else wants to pay for a reception then let them but if you both don’t want to do one then don't! It’s your money, your life, and you can do with it what you want to be happy together!
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    "No" is a complete sentence and does not need further elaboration.

    Anyone who continues to press gets the subject changed at the very least, dial tone at the worst.

    Good luck.

    • Reply
  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    I wouldn't overthink it. Once you get married, perhaps even before that, the novelty will wear off and people will stop asking
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    No one can force you into having a reception. When approached about having one, I would firmly tell them you and you FH have decided against having a reception. You don't need to explain yourself or feel bad for possibly letting someone down.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    “No” is a complete sentence.
    They key is to be firm but happy. And give no quarter - don’t give any reasons other than “we don’t want to.”
    They will ask, because they want to convince you. People are awful with boundaries, so don’t give them a chance to argue.
    • Reply
  • K
    Beginner January 2021
    K ·
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    Instead of saying “I don’t want to do this”, you could try saying- “We’ve made the decision that our elopement will be our one and only wedding. We will not be having a reception or celebration later down the line.” Being firm on this is our decision vs. this is our want makes it more definitive.


    If you feel you owe them an explication (which you don’t- it’s your day and your choice! 😉) you could tell them that you have made the decision so that you can close the wedding chapter and move on to the next phase of your life with your spouse rather than living in limbo!!
    I know easier said than done. My fiancé and I made the same decision after many postponements and changed plans and I am so happy.
    • Reply
  • Cassi
    Expert August 2022
    Cassi ·
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    Honestly I 100% am with you! We are having a micro destination wedding as well. Just our children and close few friends. No one has mentioned it besides my mom but we don’t want to have one either bc at that point we could have had a big wedding locally. Just explain to family My that you all want to do an intimate ceremony and keep it that way for the memories of your day. Maybe just maybe consider a get together at your house or something for those who just insist on celebrating your union 🤷🏽‍♀️🙂
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