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Savvy October 2021

How to share the news of intimate weddings

Denise, on June 11, 2019 at 2:34 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15

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Hello everyone! I need some help!

I’m kinda confused on how to respond when relatives/friends ask me about how wedding planning is going. My fiancé and I are doing a small, intimate wedding. We have decided to do it in Capri, Italy and plan to invite only immediate family members (parents and siblings). How do I respond when relatives/friends ask me about it? I feel bad that we are not inviting everyone but after thinking about it, this decision is the best for us. I really don’t want to be too secretive about the wedding because I feel like relatives/friends would be more hurt if I lie or hide the truth? So I’m not sure how we should respond when they ask. I know I should only share the info when asked... but is there a polite way to clue in relatives/friends not to expect any wedding invites in the near future (just in case they don’t ask)? Is it better to just leave them in the dark? So confused! Really not sure how to go about this. Any advice would be helpful! Thank you!

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Catherine, on June 13, 2019 at 1:04 PM

Champion October 2009
2d Bride · on June 11, 2019 at 2:37 PM
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I think you can say something like, "We're really excited about having an intimate wedding with just immediate family." That avoids saying directly that they are not invited, but makes it clear that when an invitation does not appear, it's not personal.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on June 11, 2019 at 2:44 PM
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I'd just say it's going well thanks.
Overall my mother has handled the "it's a small wedding" talk so far. I guess I just got lucky
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Dedicated September 2019
Catherine · on June 11, 2019 at 2:48 PM
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I got ahead of it by text all my aunties and best friends to tell them that as much as I would love them to be there, we are deciding to do an immediate family only wedding. We both have such large extended families, that if we invited them, our headcount is already at 90!
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on June 11, 2019 at 3:00 PM
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I would say you are eloping in Italy with your parents & siblings!
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Devoted October 2020
Waldy · on June 11, 2019 at 3:22 PM
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We originally wanted to have a very intimate wedding with only immediate family and then throw a party afterwards. But then we figured why throw two parties when we can just have a wedding. We're planning on 50 people - immediate family, *some* uncles and cousins and close friends. The reason we're including *some* uncles and cousins is because my FFIL wants them there. We can technically accommodate them in our budget, plus my FPIL have offered to help. My family is huge - I've got a Spanish grandma and an Irish grandma. They have a combined total of 20 siblings. So you can just imagine how many cousins I have.

ANYWAY - back to your original question. Tell them we would love to invite you, but we're trying to stay under a tight budget, so we are only inviting immediate family to our wedding. We're telling everybody we're having a small wedding because we're paying for it ourselves - which we completely intend to do. If parents/grandparents want to help, then cool. But we're not banking on that money. A lot of people seem to understand, especially those that have had a lot of help funding their wedding. I know that's a really roundabout answer, so I hope it helps! if not, feel free to reach out and I'll try to clarify.
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Devoted June 2020
Sarah · on June 11, 2019 at 3:29 PM
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I personally wouldn't mention anything other than wedding planning. It doesn't sound like they asked about being invited. I have a ton of people ask me how the planning is going that will not be invited. I usually say, "Oh, you know. Pretty great. We are [insert a stage of planning or detail]."

If someone asked about being invited, at this point I would respond, "We haven't finalized a guest list yet, but we know it will be a small list."
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Dedicated June 2019
Steph · on June 11, 2019 at 3:36 PM
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I just say "we are just having a private wedding with our parents"
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VIP June 2019
Formerbride · on June 11, 2019 at 3:38 PM
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I agree with this. Just tell the truth.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 11, 2019 at 3:47 PM
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I don't think you need to go into specific details. You can just say oh it's well, it's going, etc.
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Master 0000
Judith · on June 11, 2019 at 3:47 PM
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When asked, say, Planning is going great. We chose to have just ? people come with us to Italy, and with so few people, it has been easy. It would have been a nightmare if we invited lots of people, but as is we are happy.
How could anyone hear that and say, can we come too? Let us be the family that gives you nightmares, invite us?
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on June 11, 2019 at 3:56 PM
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Simple and honest is always going to be your best bet. You could state it exactly as you have here.
“How’s wedding planning going ?”
”Good, we’ve decided to have a small, intimate immediate family only wedding in Capri” you could even chose to include “a little stress in feeling bad that we’re cant include everyone, but we’ve decided this is what’s best for us, and we’re really excited about it”

in general no one is asking how wedding planning is going to be malicious. They’re just excited for you and making conversation. Try not to sweat it too much, if they’re excited/happy for you, they still will be! Inevitably someone may be disappointed but hopefully they won’t be rude (and If they are , they probably will be no matter how polite you are!)
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Savvy October 2021
Denise · on June 11, 2019 at 4:56 PM
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At which point did u guys reach out? If u don’t mind, can u share the text u sent? I feel like I need to say something rather than have an elephant in the room whenever we get together... I feel like they’re always gna be left wondering if they are invited or not. Thanks! I have a huge family as well... my brother and sis and law got married last year and their wedding had 175 guests... about 100 of those were family!
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Master 0000
Judith · on June 11, 2019 at 5:04 PM
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How nice of them to have a family reunion so recently - so you do not have to!
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Savvy October 2021
Denise · on June 11, 2019 at 5:07 PM
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Thanks! Great advice! I worry about everything!
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Dedicated September 2019
Catherine · on June 13, 2019 at 1:04 PM
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We reached out as soon as we made the decision, I don't have the exact texts because we sent it last July.
I think something like: "Hi Aunts, Eli and I have decided to do an intimate ceremony with just our immediate families. We are paying for this ourselves, and would really like to use our savings towards a down payment on a house instead of a reception. We love you all so much and really appreciate your understanding!"
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