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Just Said Yes August 2020

How to politely stand my ground

on December 21, 2019 at 10:33 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10

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We recently created our guest list. My fiancé and I sat down with my father and FMIL and approved all guests (we decided on 150 max due size of venue)

The issue on my side is that I alone have over 200 cousins and my grandmother is downright refusing to come to my wedding if I don’t invite everyone. She comes from a generation where “you invite EVERYONE and let them decide if they want to come” but many of them I haven’t spoken to in 10+ years or even in my lifetime. I love my family but it’s just not a reasonable request to extend to the entire family, especially when we have been not invited to three family weddings just in the last year. (Not that it’s a big deal because I understand you can’t invite everyone but why are the rules different for me?) She told me that I am an awful person and she will “regret a lot of things in my life but coming to your wedding will not be one of them”
On my fiancé’s side I’m dealing with my FMIL who keeps adding random people to our guest list that we do not know, her extended family and friends, and telling us we have to invite them. We have kindly explained multiple times that we’re paying a lot of money per person so we can’t just invite anyone “to be nice”, especially if neither of us know them. We also go into a little disagreement because I want my wedding to be semi-formal and she told me that’s “not right” and that I “cannot tell people what to wear.” We come from very different family backgrounds, they’re from a very small town and I’m from the city, so it’s hard to explain that this is what I’m used to. They are used to small backyard weddings and wearing jeans and T-shirts to attend (there’s nothing wrong with this, I’ve been to my fair share of similar weddings that were amazing) but I’m used to larger weddings where everyone is dressed up and men wear suits and females wear dresses, and that’s the vision I have for my day. There’s truly nothing wrong with being different, but I feel like for what we’re paying I should be allowed to ask my guests to dress in semi-formal attire without the backlash.
I just started planning and two of the biggest parts of my wedding (guests and dress code) have been shut down hard by my grandmother and FMIL. Any advice on how to handle the stress?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Taylor, on December 23, 2019 at 9:02 AM

Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 21, 2019 at 10:50 PM
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Si sorry you're dealing with this. You need to tell your grandma that you are only having that many people and won't make it bigger unless she can help pay. You would love to have her there but if she chooses not to come then you understand. She was invited so don't stress yourself out with that ultimatum. That's not fair. For mil your fh should have that conversation as that is his mom. Good luck
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on December 21, 2019 at 11:06 PM
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I would tell your grandmother that you are inviting who you want to invite and unfortunately you don't the budget or space for extra people. Your fiance should talk to his mom about the problems. I personally think that semi-formal can be a rather confusing term because semi leaves room for interpretation. Our attire for our wedding was cocktail attire which is pretty much the same thing, but doesn't leave as much room for interpretation. I also included on our wedding website that while we want everyone to be comfortable please don't wear jeans, sneakers, shorts (since it was summer) or t-shirts. No one did thank God. Our venue was an upscale hotel so guests definitely would have stood out. I hate when guests don't dress appropriately. To jeans are never acceptable wedding attire.
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Master 0000
Judith · on December 21, 2019 at 11:33 PM
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Setting the level of formality of the wedding is something the couple may properly do, and at some point you need to push back, and say, for other more casual weddings, everyday clothes were okay. But you are having a dressier wedding, and anyone not wearing semi-formal or cocktail, special occasion clothes, will be badly dressed. Some folks get carried away saying colors or kinds of colors a d styles, and that is too much . But for any occasion, hosts ( or venue) set the formality. As for grandma, any time someone wants a family reunion, they ( or even grandma) can invite the whole family. You stand fast to inviting only those family you see often. Then, put your friends next, not further family. Not family friends you do not want . Ignore grandma's crankiness.
Tell FMIL, NO. List is done, close the book, no more. There are things you need to be willing to compromise on, but not these things.
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Devoted May 2021
Emily · on December 22, 2019 at 12:56 AM
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I have a HUGE family too and had to get my guest list down to 150 as well. My FMIL wanted to invite all of her friends plus some but my FH and I sat down and talked to her about it because it’s our wedding and we don’t want people we don’t know or haven’t talked to in years there!

I guess I don’t have any advice. I just want to tell you you’re not alone!
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Devoted May 2021
Emily · on December 22, 2019 at 12:58 AM
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Don’t let them take over YOUR wedding. Just tell them “I’m sorry but this is what I’m going to do”

My FMIL is trying to make our wedding hers (you can read in my previous posts) and we’ve had mannnyyy talks with her
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Expert August 2020
Jodie · on December 22, 2019 at 1:40 PM
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Honestly...the best thing is to stop discussing your wedding plans with others. if YOU are paying YOU get to decide who, what, when, where, how... I see so many of these posts on here about being stressed out because everyone is always trying to please everyone else instead of themselves and their FS. There is no rule dictating that you have to invite everyone you've ever met since you were born. I have a huge family as well and I personally cut it off at Aunts and Uncles because I have a crap ton of cousins and the vast majority of them have kids and so on...My side of the guest list alone would be about 400 if I invited EVERYONE who is family. That's not including friends. And really if Granny want's to fork over the anywhere between $100-500 PER PERSON that some weddings cost...then and only then would she have any right to dictate who is getting invited to YOUR wedding.
Additionally, you have every right to decide how you want your guests to dress. We personally are having a casual wedding because we are not formal people. So if someone shows up to our event in jeans...great! Whatever makes them comfortable. However, if the event were noted to be anything more formal than that, it is not too much to expect the guests can put on nice clothes for a few hours or not attend.
The moral of the story is this: Do NOT change your vision to try to make everyone happy, because ultimately someone will always be offended by something. Some people cannot breathe without being that way as unfortunate as it is.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on December 22, 2019 at 5:07 PM
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Ugh! I feel so sad you’re dealing with this!

Your grandmother is being very manipulative. Don’t give in. I’d probably have tears in my voice, but would probably say, “Inviting every family member doesn’t work for us. I love you so much and would be heartbroken if you’re not there. I hope you change your mind and will be there to celebrate our wedding day with us.” If she throws a hissy, “I’m very sad to know you’ve chosen not to be there.” Period.
Have your FH sternly tell mom, “We invited your ## guests. We will NOT invite anymore. Stop telling your friends & family because they won’t get an invite, then you’ll need to explain you improperly invited them. If you want to host a cake & punch reception a month after our wedding and invite all your friends, we’ll be happy to attend.”
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VIP May 2015
KiwiDerbyBride · on December 22, 2019 at 10:13 PM
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“Our guest list is full and we can’t accommodate anyone else. If this means you choose not to attend, you will be missed.” And leave it at that. Your FH needs to tell his mother that the guest list is full and no extra guests can be accommodated as well. Just remember that NO is a complete sentence. Also it can be a good idea to not explain - don’t say that you can’t afford it (they might offer to pay, so you invite the extras and of course the money then doesn’t appear).
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Dedicated September 2020
A La · on December 22, 2019 at 11:16 PM
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I put “Semi-Formal - please no hats or jeans” on my invites and my dad said the same thing, that you can’t tell people what to wear. However, in our contract it states we can not have anyone in attendance in jeans or hats, so he understood and wasn’t so against it. So maybe you can do that, tell her it’s in your contract.
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VIP October 2020
Taylor · on December 23, 2019 at 9:02 AM
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Oh man... My grandmother acted the exact same way. Me and FH are paying for the majority of the wedding and have a $25k budget. Our venue allows 300 people but there's a price break at 200 and we decided 200 was already plenty anyway (we're at 245 invites). It seems like it would be simple to plan a wedding with 200 guests for $25,000 but it's SO hard. My fiance and I went to high school together so we have a ton of mutual friends that we want there. My grandmother was trying to make me invite all of my distant cousins that live up north and have not seen since I was 2 years old. I told her no and then she proceeded to send me all their addresses along with her two best friends that I have met once in my lifetime. I told her I was not inviting strangers to my wedding and she tried to throw a pity party for herself because she "misses them and really wanted a chance to visit". (She recently moved) I ended up ignoring her when it came to anything wedding related. I'm a very reasonable person but I'm not arguing with someone over MY wedding. Especially someone that isn't contributing anything to it. My FMIL also went crazy with the guest list, hence why our 200 person wedding has 245 invitees. It's a long drive for quite a few people so we're hoping that will deter some from coming. If worse comes to worse, we'll just have to pay the difference for 300 people. Not ideal but we can make it work. I'd tell your grandmother you're not inviting those cousins. If she really wants to be there, she will. Balls in her court.
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