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Beginner March 2022

How to politely explain why a couple isn’t invited.

Riley, on October 16, 2020 at 12:17 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19

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(Back story) For 5 years my mans college friends wife (didn’t meet yet) has been cruel to me over a post that was just an opinion and had nothing to do with them. She messaged me being rude then blocked me and purposely isolated me from outings. Years later they were engaged my fiancé was a groomsmen but backed out when he was told I was not invited from proper etiquette that wasn’t okay. She then gave an insincere apology and said shed start on a clean slate. We finally met and as I thought things were truly behind us. I put in effort for change and was generous and was there for her and hard times.Only for her to call me names, tell me if I come to her house she will call the police and I can’t even be in the driveway. (My fiancé lived there for a little) she was crueler and told me I have to invite them to our wedding. A year later we all go to dinner and I said hello to her husband and was waiting to say hello to her she walked passed me and ignored my existence the whole night. I felt very uncomfortable and felt like crying out of frustration. How do I tell them they’re not invited without her getting defensive or feeling attacked? I wish it wasn’t like this. My fiancé is 100% on board about not inviting them.

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19 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on October 19, 2020 at 1:52 AM

Beginner March 2022
Riley · on October 16, 2020 at 12:20 PM
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Forgot to mention that I am now having to go to physical therapy because the last encounter apparently put on so much stress on my body and now I have to retrain my body.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on October 16, 2020 at 12:23 PM
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It seems like we're only getting half of the story here, but you don't owe anyone an explanation for not inviting them to your wedding. No one is entitled to an invitation. I personally would just say "unfortunately, we have to keep the guest list to close friends and family due to space/budget constraints," or you could choose to explain why. "I feel that you have been disrespectful toward me and we do not want that negativity at our wedding."
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Devoted January 2022
Shelly · on October 16, 2020 at 12:23 PM
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Goodness she sounds very toxic. If your FH is fine with not inviting them, then by all means, leave them out of the guest list! You don't want someone toxic like that around during your wedding. I would say just invite the husband if you three are on good terms, but you don't want her to take her anger out on her husband. Safest best is to leave them both off of the guest list. I agree with the post above, those wording options are great!
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Legend July 2022
Lisa · on October 16, 2020 at 12:25 PM
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Does your fiance still talk to his friend? If so, he could tell him that they aren't invited if the topic comes up in one of their conversations. Otherwise, if he doesn't talk to them often, I wouldn't reach out to explain why they aren't invited. I would just focus on sending the invites to those who you are including, and if they contact you to ask about the status of their invite, you can explain at that time that you unfortunately do not have space on the guest list for them.
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Beginner March 2022
Riley · on October 16, 2020 at 12:34 PM
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Yes, he’s fine with it. We’re both tired of this. It’s been years and it isn’t necessary. It puts too much stress on me. Thank you for the advice
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on October 16, 2020 at 12:40 PM
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You don’t need to tell them anything, just don’t invite them. I would assume they will know why they won’t get an invitation. If your FH wants to talk to his friend and let him know they will not be invited, that is up to FH. But you do not need to notify them they won’t be invited.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on October 16, 2020 at 12:45 PM
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Just don’t, you don’t owe her anything. Do not invite, do not engage. Your FH can talk to his friend about it if he needs to, but I would not talk to her at all, and I would just distance from her. There’s no conversation here you can start that will make you feel better or end well for you, so, I just wouldn’t start one.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on October 16, 2020 at 12:48 PM
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You don't need to give them an explanation. If they ask, then it should be your fiancé talking to them if he wishes
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on October 16, 2020 at 12:52 PM
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I agree with this. I also think some series boundaries need to be set up. Don't allow these people into your lives in any capacity any more, let alone a wedding.
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VIP August 1997
Belle · on October 16, 2020 at 12:59 PM
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I don’t know the whole story, but if you feel that negativity, just cut them from your life. You choose who you want to invite, and as others said, there is no need for any explanation why you invite or not invite anyone. Choose friends that brings you joy and support ❤️
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Super October 2022
Michele · on October 16, 2020 at 1:06 PM
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You don't say anything. Don't bring up the topic and change it if they do. If they are that hostile, don't interact in the first place. But you never tell someone they are not invited or why as it is rude.
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Devoted November 2020
Madelin · on October 16, 2020 at 1:09 PM
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I agree with everyone else. This is your wedding and you dont owe anyone an explanation as to why they aren't invited. Tbh, she should know better than to expect an invitation given your history. Don't even stress it.
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Expert January 2021
Katie · on October 16, 2020 at 1:15 PM
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Just don't say anything. Based on what you've described, they'll understand why they aren't invited.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on October 16, 2020 at 1:29 PM
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You don't have to explain anything, just don't invite them.
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Just Said Yes November 2023
EmmeJane · on October 16, 2020 at 2:11 PM
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You don't mention the invitations or wedding to her. Only the small circles in your friends and family. Whether she hates it or not, it's not her wedding. It's yours. Keep the toxic out of your big day.
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Savvy January 2011
Mercy · on October 16, 2020 at 9:01 PM
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Honestly I've not been invited to some family members weddings and the only reason I can think of is that they were "adult only" weddings and I have kids. However; I love them all and I don't resent nor hold any bitterness toward them. I always show love and support regardless. If your friends/ family love you, it won't bother them.
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Dedicated October 2020
Jesyka · on October 17, 2020 at 9:11 AM
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I have family members who are the same. Others have tryed to guilt trip me into inviting these toxic people to my wedding. So I will tell you exactly what my MOH told me when this happened. Its YOUR wedding. Its your and your fiancé day. Even if she gets upset, this isn't about her, and you don't have to appease anyone with carefully worded explanations. You have enough to deal with without worrying about what others think of your choices. And you don't have to explain to anyone. This is your big day, and you can invite and not invite who ever you decide.
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Devoted May 2021
Jasmine · on October 18, 2020 at 10:11 PM
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Girl they didn’t invite you to their wedding and give you an explanation so why are you giving them one??
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 19, 2020 at 1:52 AM
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Simply do not send an invitation. If asked, just say, we invited all the people we want to be there. Repeat as needed. 🙂 It would be considered aggressively rude to go to them and explain. General rule for any invitation, is that people need to accept that you cannot invite everyone. With folks you really like, you can answer with the face saving, we have so little room, .... But nasty as she has been, no answer you could give would not provoke a fight. So do not give any reasons she can argue about, all the while being rude to you. If you keep repeating, we invited the people we want, yup, that implies, "and obviously, we don't want you. " But doesn't give her any ammunition to fight. It is the closest you can come to ignoring / shunning her for her past behavior, so onlookers will sympathize with you, and see her as in the wrong if she argues.
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