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Just Said Yes January 2023

How to politely ask Mother to cut back on invited friends?

Morgan, on January 18, 2022 at 3:22 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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I’m recently engaged and we are in the very early stages of planning. My parents have very generously offered to pay for the wedding. We had originally intended the guest count to be around the 110/120 area.

Recently my dad has voiced that he’s more comfortable with the budget being cut back, which is no issue for me since only the venue and our photographer has been booked so we can adjusts our budgets as needed. I asked my mother to send me her guest list which would include my side of the family and the bridal party. The list I received has 150people on it, with about 40 of those people being her personal friends/coworkers.
This count does not include any of my fiancés family (he does come from a very small family), or any of our coworkers and friends other than the bridal party.
When I mentioned that we’re going to have to cut back the guest list my mother got very upset and defensive. She insists that everyone on the list is essential. Since she and my dad are paying for the wedding I think it’s totally appropriate for them to invite their personal friends, especially the ones that I’ve known for years and been around, but 40 takes up a massive portion of the invite list.
I voiced my concerns with the budget being impacted by the growing invite list, and my mom suggested that I start paying for the overflow which honestly took me aback since I simply don’t have the disposable income and me and my fiancé are buying a house and paying for the honeymoon.
Is this just how things are? Am I justified in thinking that 40 people is excessive? What’s the best way to approach this? I know not everyone will attend, but I’m worried about the what ifs and trying to respect my dads budget.

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Taylor, on January 18, 2022 at 10:49 PM

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 18, 2022 at 3:48 PM
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Are your parents still married? If so, is he aware how many of her friends she wants to invite and therefore he would be paying for? Because it sounds like they aren't on the same page. He wants to cut back, but she is adding more. Maybe you should sit down with both of them to discuss this issue. If you go that route, I would have your entire guest list with you and show them the cost breakdown. Maybe he can talk some sense into your mom.
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Just Said Yes January 2023
Morgan · on January 18, 2022 at 4:01 PM
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Yes they are still married, she sent me a list of what she thinks the budget will look like with the guest count she provided and it’s about $8k over what my Dad wants to spend and there were still some elements that she did not account for in her budget (flowers, dress, invites, etc).
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on January 18, 2022 at 4:04 PM
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Sounds like you, your dad, and your mom need to have a thorough discussion together about what the total budget is, what a reasonable guest list looks like, and who is ultimately responsible for deciding how the budget gets spent. Since they have offered to pay, they get a large amount of input. If their input doesn't work for you, then you and your future spouse should be prepared to plan and pay for your own wedding.
Before you talk to your parents again, work with your FS to finalize your own guest lists and come up with an amount you two could contribute to your wedding budget in order to get the things that are important to you.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 18, 2022 at 4:10 PM
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It sounds like a sit down meeting is going to be your best beat. I would make sure to point out there are items in her budget she hasn't even accounted for. But at the end of the day it is their money and if she wants to invite her friends she will because she gets to decide how she wants to spend her money. Unfortunately this is what happens when you accept money from someone else for your wedding. There tends to be strings.
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Super March 2022
Candace · on January 18, 2022 at 5:10 PM
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You and FH need to make your own guest list first. Write down the people in YOUR lives that are essential. Once you have that count, you can add guests to it from your parents. Since you're at the beginning stages, I think it's best to talk about on what conditions your parents' money is based on. Right now they are saying they will pay for it if they get to be in control. You have to decide if that's ok with you. Wedding planning is an excellent way to practice setting boundaries.
On another note, has it been a while since your parents had anything to do with wedding planning? If they are controlling the money, you should give them full disclosure of how much everything costs. Your guest list dictates how much you're going to be spending. And it has increased alot over the years. Get some catering quotes for 150 guests before you have a conversation with them. That will open your mother's eyes.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on January 18, 2022 at 5:19 PM
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Unfortunately if they're paying, they will feel entitled to most of the say. If you want to call the shots here, I would decline the money and plan the wedding you want.
Money comes with strings attached.
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Just Said Yes January 2023
Morgan · on January 18, 2022 at 5:50 PM
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They’ve been married over 30 years, and I believe they paid for their wedding with help from multiple family members. So it’s been awhile. The budget my Dad would like to stick to is definitely a large amount of money, but not enough to host 200 people with all the “extras” my mom is wanting to have (ex. photo booths, wedding coordinator, dessert bar, etc)
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on January 18, 2022 at 9:56 PM
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Suggest that parents start a tradition of a family reunion picnic that is held at another time. That way everyone can get together and they can either do potluck style or have inexpensive restaurant drop off catering. They are also free to host other relatives in their home at anytime that is not your wedding. But you need to make it clear that your wedding is not that family reunion.

Decline the money because it always comes with strings attached and they will have final say on everything when they are paying regardless of what you want or don’t. Parents already got married and often the older generations were accustomed to their parents planning and picking everything so they likely think that is still the way things are done. Let them know you appreciate the offer but you and fiancé insist on paying yourselves so that you both can have what you want.
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VIP October 2022
Taylor · on January 18, 2022 at 10:49 PM
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I’m not allowing family to pay for our wedding even if it means taking out a loan. If they want to help here and there then I will take the help but overall our wedding is being paid for ourselves. It’s a struggle but then no one has any say other than us
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