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Devoted April 2021

How to not seem rude? ( slight ranting here)

Kelly, on July 3, 2020 at 9:31 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18

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Feel free to exit out of this post now lol , it probably wont make sense, i need to rant !

So for my wedding i really do not want to see my guests thighs or bootys meaning i dont want them in super short dresses looking like theyre going to a night club. I also dont want theyre busts all out. I also dont want to deal with “sloppy drunks” unfortunately many of the people our lives love to drink a little too much. I want to say something as like a heads up but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to. People should already be respectful but i know that its not the case for everyone. We are having an open bar- it was included in the package. Our venue is elegant and my fh and i are shelling out a lot of money and i dont want to be embarrassed or have something happen and have to pay for damages. I also do not even drink, i stopped years ago and don’t usually like to even answer text messages from drunk friends let alone be in their presence.Another issue i am having is a major issue for me. I have gently brought it up to my fh and by gently i mean didnt express my entire feelings trying to keep my cool and not completely upset or hurt him. So a little background - my fh struggled with some substance issues , we finally got him clean for almost 2 years. This is sensitive for me to even discuss because when I found out i broke down and still will and i just sob. This past November we lost his cousin ( od from same thing fh was doing) his cousin was supposed to be the best man. This is all still very painful for us and the family. So after this and seeing the way his and his cousins “friends “ had reacted towards this situation and at the funeral , i had expressed my feelings towards them, my fh was in total agreement, he stopped speaking to all of them shortly after, except one.
So my fh “ best friend” and i am using quotes because this guy is never around anymore unless he needs something, they barely speak anymore and they only net like a year ago? He is a nice guy dont get me wrong but my fh wants him in the wedding, this guy has a severe drug and alcohol problem and this concerns and i do not want that at my wedding and I especially do not want that stuff near my fh. There is a huge vulnerability here and i dont need his “ best friend” to destroy the progress he has made. I honestly dont want this guy in my wedding or even attending. I gently brought this up to fh in the most sensitive way On Tuesday . My fh said “ he probably wont even come tbh but i will text him tonight to just talk about some stuff” ... he has yet to talk to him and its friday. I dont want to have to keep bringing it up bc of how sensitive the situation is but also my fh is not the type to jump when u say jump... only because he forgets like 5 min later.
Im so sorry for ranting i have been holding this in ! Sorry sorry sorry ! But any advice would be appreciated ❤️

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Pam, on July 4, 2020 at 10:32 PM

Devoted December 2021
Katlyn · on July 3, 2020 at 9:39 AM
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I have a friend who had a similar situation at her wedding. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this emotional and hard situation. Ultimately I think your FH will have to be the one to set things straight with his friend. I would also trust in your FH that he also does not want to ruin his own progress,
Are you having a religious ceremony of any kind? If you are, you can definitely put on the invitations that the dress code must be appropriate for a house of worship.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on July 3, 2020 at 9:42 AM
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Oh my! This is a lot to take in. How formal is formal? If it's black tie then long dresses are normally what is required attire. Our wedding was formal, but not black tie. I will say one of my friends showed up in a short black dress. As for the issue with your fiance and his friend that doesn't sound like a friend he should really be hanging around. I definitely understand your concern, but it's difficult to tell your fiance who he can and can't be friends with or have at your wedding. I wish you good luck
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Expert May 2021
Michelle · on July 3, 2020 at 9:59 AM
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That’s tough. Is there anyway to limit the open bar? That’s my first thought. Also, congratulations on stopping drinking. It’s a hard one. I can relate to Your fiancé in the sense of loosing friends due to drinking/substance problems. The truth is, most the people we “party” with aren’t our true friends. I understand your concern with this one guy, but if no one he is friends with is going, he probably won’t go like your fiancé thinks. People like that usually have “more fun” things to do lol. I hope for your sake he doesn’t come, at the same time, is your fiancé going to be upset if he doesn’t come? Can this friend simply not use during the wedding? I think it is fair to say nothing at the wedding but the alcohol you provide. Your fiancé is probably avoiding the reality of the problem with his friend coming. Having said all that, your fiancé does get to chose who he invites.
As for the dress code, just tell people it’s formal attire, I think that’s the only way you can encourage everyone to wear nice clothing. You can’t tell people not to wear short dresses or “busty” clothing. I am not sure why you are as worried as you are about busty or short dresses, but we simply can’t dictate what our guests wear. Although from your post, it doesn’t seem like that is the biggest concern.
Trust your fiancé, let the universe unfold as it should 😊 your day will be perfect!
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VIP August 2020
· on July 3, 2020 at 10:14 AM
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Have you specifically spoken to your FH about how he feels about his "best friend's" substance issues? I don't know what the best way to bring that up would be, but if you've already talked about it, or if he's already mentioned that he wants his friend to get help, I don't think you have to worry about his effect on your FH too much. If you haven't had that conversation or your FH doesn't really seem to care that his friend has an addiction, you need to have that conversation. The friend showing up and causing a scene would be unfortunate, but as long as he's not messing with your FH's sobriety, you'll be okay.
Regarding the dress code, do you have a wedding website? If you do, make sure you put the url somewhere in your invitation suite that will make people want to look at it. If you're doing online RSVPs, that should work. We're not, so I put ours on a details card that says something along the lines of, "to book your stay at [room block hotel] and for more information about our wedding, please visit [wedding website]." It sounds better than that, but that's the basic idea.
Then on our website, I put the dress code as a note on the page with the ceremony/reception. I was tempted to put a link to an article or even a Google search of, "what to wear to a semi formal wedding," but I didn't want to offend the 90% of my guests who know how to dress themselves appropriately. I did include pictures on every single page. So on the main events page, I have one picture from the venue, on the directions page, I have another one.A lot of times if I'm going to a wedding and I don't know how formal it's supposed to be, I look up the venue to see how formal it seems based on pictures. So if your venue looks really fancy, having pictures of it on your website should help people get the idea. Also, for your invitations, having multiple pieces of heavy paper can help get the idea across.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on July 3, 2020 at 10:33 AM
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First of all don’t be sorry for what you’re going through. Secondly, sorry because this is going to be a long post .... I don’t know your people but usually even the trashiest of people have a general understanding of the dress code when you’re going to a wedding. Regardless, there’s bound to be those girls that look ridiculous.As far as getting too drunk, this is also a worry of mine. We too have open bar and we are speaking privately to our close friends that we know get out of hand. I DONT recommend doing this if you’re not super close with certain people that you’re nervous about. If you don’t have as open of a relationship where you could straight up look at them and say “dude if you get wasted at my wedding and make an ass out of yourself I will never talk to you again” then DONT DO IT. I would just leave your trust with the bartender. The bartender will cut people off if they’re getting too rowdy, and other people will also generally say stuff on behalf of the bride and groom. I too am worried slightly about some of the different personalities we have there. I love them all dearly but I don’t know if they’ll all love each other as much LOL.

As far as the friend dealing with drug addiction goes, I understand. My fiancé has three brothers, two of which do great for themselves, but the third brother does struggle with drug addiction. We wanted to have all the siblings in the wedding but we’re honestly not counting on him even being there. Any ounce of money he has goes directly to drugs so unless his father by the tux, I doubt he will actually put money towards a tux. As far as your fiancé goes, he’s only been friends with this guy for a year and in my personal opinion, I think it could potentially be a very bad idea if you have him in your wedding party. I would seriously sit your fiancé down and talk to him and express all of these feelings. I don’t even personally want my future husband’s brother there because he’s had issues with stealing from people and the last thing I want is for him to cause any problems between my guests. I also don’t want to have to feel like I need to give my guests a heads upAnd have them feel like they have to watch their purses all night. We do plan on having security at my wedding its included so I do plan on having one of the security guards specifically keep an eye on him the whole night. This may sound harsh, but this is an issue that we’ve been dealing with with his brother for years now. Dragging his brother into hospitals and rehab ODing, the money he’s drained from his father and I know it’s going to come off to people on here like I’m a crazy nut but you really don’t know the half of it. If your fiancé does choose to have this person at the wedding, then maybe you could look into hiring security.
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on July 3, 2020 at 11:16 AM
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I am not we are not religious. I am however pretty modest when it comes to my own attire and it does make me uncomfortable being around other girls who are not so modest. I am very self conscious and have always disliked my body and i dont want to feel a type of way on my wedding like i dont wanna be insecure and jealous
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on July 3, 2020 at 11:23 AM
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Thank you, i was hesitant on making a wedding website, i felt like i wasnt sure what the whole purpose was but what you are saying makes alot of sense. Thanks
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on July 3, 2020 at 11:53 AM
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You do not sound crazy, my fh has two brothers one is in the wedding the other is not welcome to come bc of that same situation and the fact that he tried to FIGHT me and i am 5’1 and he is over 6ft. I have mentioned several times about hiring security to make sure he doesnt show and also for a few other guests as well including my own mother .. so youre not crazy at all it makes sense and I appreciate everything you shared with me.
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Devoted December 2021
Katlyn · on July 3, 2020 at 11:59 AM
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I think you will have nothing to be insecure about. It is your wedding day and you will look stunning and all eyes will be on you for all the right reasons Since it isn't a religious ceremony I think the most you can do is tell people that the dress code is formal. You really can't say any more than that. Usually formal attire means people will be a bit more covered up, but there will always be one girl whose dress is too short or doesn't fit her chest. You can also request no jeans for the guys. Don't let the worry of just a couple inappropriately dressed girls get you down! Trust me, they are so not worth it.
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on July 3, 2020 at 12:26 PM
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Wow! That’s a lot and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with all of those concerns in life and also with your wedding. Please understand that this is completely transparent and sincere.... as I was reading your post, the main 2 thoughts going through my mind were: “How heartbreaking to even have those types of concerns about your friends” and “They both really need a new group of friends and a support system.” Then when seeing your reply mention that you don’t drink, you don’t do drugs, you dress modestly (and you’re having an elegant wedding) it REALLY made those 2 thoughts come to mind even more. It’s interesting how opposite you seem to be from the people who you choose to keep close in your life.

As for the drunkenness concern.... Even though the venue comes with an open bar, I’d skip it since you have such heavy concerns. Having endless alcohol isn’t necessary if you know that many of your guests will go overboard and ruin your wedding or cause property damage. Having alcohol and the amount of it is something you can semi-control.
As for your friends’ clothing, I’d list your wedding’s attire level on all things (website, save the dates, invitations) and also mention it directly to those guests and give examples. Ultimately, attire is a hard one to control. But I’d rather have people dressed like they’re at the club than being drunk AF and destructive like they’re at the club. So that’s a battle you’ll have to choose to take, and a battle you might lose and have to deal with.
As for the situation with your FH and his “friend”, this is a serious conversation that I couldn’t tip toe around. Be direct and specific in your concerns, especially considering that your FH is still new in his recovery. Does your FH have a sponsor who can speak some sense into him about his “friend”? Also, having a bridal party isn’t mandatory and you can totally skip having bridesmaids or groomsmen.
And finally, I noticed that your wedding isn’t until April 2021. So, it’s still possible for you two to make decisions on who’s truly close to you, who’s a true friend, who’s positive in you life/supports you and who you really want at your wedding to share in that special moment.
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on July 3, 2020 at 12:31 PM
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Is the open bar something you want to provide or is it just because it’s part of the contract? My FH is a recovered drug/alcohol addict. He is 10 years clean and doesn’t have issues being around alcohol, but we both decided we would have a dry wedding because we aren’t interested in paying for other people to get drunk. And his brother would most certainly get obnoxiously drunk. Truth be told he will probably show up to our wedding drunk, but that is an issue for another day.
FH has had to attend many of his old “friends” funerals over the last several years due to overdoses and it just solidifies his decision to change his life. He looks back on those days and while he admits he had fun he also recognizes how dangerous it was and how stupid he was.
I guess I’m not really helping you with your problem, I’m not really sure how to help. But I’d recommend just trying to have a good heart to heart with FH. Really try to get down to how he truly feels about his own sobriety. The hardest thing for me was not judging FH when he told me all the stuff he has done. That is so outside my realm that it was hard to not judge him, but he needed me to know how far he has come and to know that he has no desire ever to go back to that. Knowing all the stuff and seeing how he is I have no doubts in him and his sobriety. It isn’t a worry for me at all. I hope you can get to that point with your FH as well, but it will take time and a lot of understanding. Good luck!
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Expert November 2022
Megan · on July 3, 2020 at 12:59 PM
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I think if it would upset you how people dress you need to make it clear about the dress code and set the tone formal or whatever. I saw on a save the date the dress code- formal attire no jeans please ( which I thought was weird to write but maybe that saw something important to them)

With the drinking, the only thing I can think of is having the people running the bar decide to not serve people if they think they have had too much. But idk how that would stop people from getting other people drinks.
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Devoted July 2021
Gwendolyn · on July 3, 2020 at 2:09 PM
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I would absolutely limit your bar if you can, especially if you have concerns that people won't be able to control themselves. Drinking isn't part of your life now and it sounds like you don't (for good reason) want a whole lot of it around you. Can you talk to your venue about maybe starting with an open bar for a bit and then moving to a limited menu? Or perhaps talk to your venue about ensuring that the bartenders keep an extra close eye for over-indulgence, generally they do this anyways, but having a conversation about your desire to not have sloppy drunks may help them feel more comfortable cutting people off.
As others have mentioned I would also put out a dress code - have you already sent out invites? I would consider requesting formal attire, so hopefully those who may show up in more club-like attire would consider something long or more conservative.
For the friend - I know you don't want to press the issue but I think you are more than OK to ask if he has had the chance to talk with him and to express your concerns. You are going to be his wife and recovery is a lifelong process, it's healthy for you to be worried about what influences come around especially when this is still pretty fresh. I hope that you can have a good long conversation about it and that you can feel comfortable and reassured that this guy won't drag your FH into his world. Best of luck to you both.
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on July 3, 2020 at 3:04 PM
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Thank you, I appreciate everything you have said. I havent sent invites out yet i am going to try to make my own this weekend , i am glad i got to hear so many people’s advice about the attire code on the invites this way i can be sure to include it. Also everyone giving advice for the open bar situation, i think because i am usually one to stay quiet thinking that maybe i am ridiculous but i think now i am more comfortable with going to my venue to discuss limiting people and so forth. Thank you again
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Dedicated October 2021
Ruby · on July 3, 2020 at 3:56 PM
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My venue coordinator provided some suggestions during my planning such as requesting a list with pictures of guests who get too drunk to give to the bartenders so they can water down their drinks and writing in the detail cards “Formal Attire” to avoid people being under dressed. In your case, I would suggest not having an open bar and this would eliminate possible issues. As for your FH friend, my fiancé does the same thing when I ask him to do something and it takes him forever to follow through. I don’t want to come off as a nagging future wife so about 1-2 weeks I check in “Hey, did you get a chance to call your friend? Just wanted to see how it went.”
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Devoted July 2020
Christina · on July 3, 2020 at 6:01 PM
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That’s really hard. Humm I wonder for the bar is it possible to give people drink tickets ? Spend three tickets when you run out no more drinks ? A way to control drunk guest etc. I think for your FH best friend I would continue to have the conversation with him about him coking. Your starting your lives, and this is more then just a day and party, weddings are about surrounding yourself with ppl who want the best for you and if you feel he does not want the best for your husband then he shouldn’t come. Just my opinion, but do whatever feels right in your gut.
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Devoted August 2022
Sinaya · on July 4, 2020 at 1:00 AM
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Whew! This is a lot. I can see why you need to rant. I haven't read all replies so forgive me if this is repetitive. Of course you can't control what people wear to the wedding. I would just put formal attire suggested and hope for the best. I think that's the least of your concerns here. In regards to the alcohol you may have some options: 1. see if the open bar can be shut down early, 2. request to not allow people to get shots of alcohol, 3. serve beer and wine only. You can can inquire about using any 1 or all 3 of these methods to limit alcohol consumption. Regarding the "best friend," this is a tough one. I know you probably don't want to seem overbearing when it comes to his friendships, but as you know when in recovery it's risky to still socialize with people who are still actively using. I personally would just bring it up again if he doesn't have the discussion after a month or two. Consider that this may be a hard discussion for your FH to have with his BFF, and maybe even ask him how he feels about it and if he has reservations about it.
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January 2014
Pam · on July 4, 2020 at 10:32 PM
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Since it's an open bar the venue might be amenable to you asking that they don't make the drinks too strong. Also alert the bartenders to particular people and emphasize to them that you have absolutely no problem with them cutting anyone off and would prefer that they do so in a more proactive way than they might usually.
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