How to know if you should remove someone from your bridal party?

The first thing you need to understand is that making the decision to remove her from your bridal party is a step towards ending your friendship. If this is something you are okay with, because lets be honest people grow apart, then own the decision and stick with it. Also, know that although she was there for you at a vulnerable time, that doesn't mean you are forever indebted to her (especially if y'all's relationship is having a negative impact on your life / well being). So, first step is to decide whether or not you want to continue being friends with her.

If the answer is no, then you just need to be gently honest and "rip it off like a band-aid." Tell her something like "as hard as this is for me to say, I really don't think you being my bridesmaid is a good idea right now. I can never thank you enough for what you did for me years ago, but I really feel like you need to concentrate on your own health / happiness right now. And I just don't want anything to affect your well being or my wedding in a negative way. I really hope you can understand, and I am truly sorry."

If the answer is yes, then I would strongly reconsider asking her to step down. No relationship is perfect, and often times we have to take the good with the bad. You don't want to lose a good friend over your wedding. One way to keep her close but at a distance is to limit the amount of involvement you include her in your wedding planning.

Either route you choose, I wish you the best. These situations are never easy. Good Luck!

I think it's ok to ask someone to step down if you feel like they're not conducive to your mental health or situation. I mean if she's just stressing you out further even after you've talked to her about it then it's ok. But again, maybe there's a possibility if you truly let her know where your mind is at then she would be better. But like Pp said, asking her to step down can affect your relationship negatively. My friend asked 4/6 of hers to step down and they never talked after that again. It sort of changes your friendship because it's like firing someone.
But again, I'd want you to do what's good for you.

Madison, this is a tough one.. Based on what you mentioned she sounds incredible possessive and selfish. Yes, she helped you through a tough time and you will always be grateful but you do not owe her anything. If you feel uncomfortable with her possible actions and that she will try to make your engagement and wedding about her that is not fair to you. It's your wedding! This should be one of the happiest times of your life and if you have to keep stressing out about how she will act its not worth it. Wedding planning is stressful enough without a "friend" who makes everything about her...

However, I do agree with Danielle that if you choose to exclude her from the bridal party your friendship will likely falter. You need to really think hard about whether or not you want her in your life during and after your big day.

I think you should sit her down and talk to her about it before you make a decision. Tell her exactly how you feel, no BS and she how she reacts. I'm not sure about her relationship status but perhaps she's jealous and wishes she was in your shoes.

Remember, this is your wedding and the most important thing is that you and your fiance are happy. I'm sure you will make the right decision and it will all work out. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this whole-heartedly. Be honest with yourself with no other outside influence, make a decision and then stick to it.

I don't think you are wrong at all from removing her from your bridal party. If she is already stressing you out so much now, imagine how its going to be 6 months from now or a week away from your big day..its not worth it. I get that you feel like you owe her something for being there for you through tough times but honestly she sounds a little toxic for you. Sometimes people help us through things but that doesn't mean they need to stay in your life forever. As far as her being possessive and threatening your fiance, that's just batshit crazy. I get she wants to be close to your but that just crosses the line. You need to set some boundaries with her if you plan on keeping her around. Don't be scared of hurting her feelings, sometimes people just need to hear it straight.

I agree with PPs; if this is something you are considering, be prepared for the friendship to end. However, I will say that your relationship with this girl sounds completely toxic, and I obviously don't know the specifics of what all she helped you through during your freshman year, but at this point it's water under the bridge, and you shouldn't feel indebted to her or inclined to bend over backwards just to salvage (what's left) of your on/off relationship with her. Point blank, if she isn't contributing anything positive towards your life, why even give her a role in it… or your wedding for that matter? Best of luck to you!

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented so far. I seriously appreciate you all helping sort this thing out. At this point, I think she is just toxic and I need to delicately cut her out of all of this. My only real worry is that I am one of her only friends, and throughout our time of knowing each other she has told me she suffers from depression and has suicidal tendencies (and has attempted suicide). I am concerned that she will try to harm herself or act as if I am causing this emotional pain on her if I do cut her out. How am I supposed to handle that? I may not want to be very close friends with her anymore, but I sincerely do not want to hurt her or be the cause of her hurt. This is really a difficult decision, so thank you guys for helping me as best as you can.

Honestly it sounds like it could be dangerous to kick her out. I think before you do so you should have a plan on how to protect yourself and on who to call if your friend threatens her life as you said she has in the past.

View Quoted Comment How would I even protect myself? I’ve drafted a message to send her, riddled with thank you’s and reassurances that everything will be okay, but aside from that I have no idea where to go. I completely agree with you, I’m just unsure of how to proceed. Thank you so much 😭

View Quoted Comment

If you do it in person, have someone come and wait in the car, let them know the situation. If you do it over the phone, make sure you aren't home alone during or shortly after. You also might need to hire security for your wedding if it doesn't seem like she's gotten over it by then. With how extremely possessive and obsessive you are describing this friend to be, knowing she's losing you as a friend could cause her behavior to become a lot worse. However, I don't think you should let this stop you from letting her go from your life, especially during a time that should be so happy! Best of Luck!