Akirah
Dedicated October 2019

How to kindly decline a bridal shower...?

Akirah, on April 30, 2019 at 6:55 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9
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My FH just told me that his mom wants to host a shower for us. While that’s super kind of her, I do not want a shower. He isn’t too keen on it either, but would do it to appease his mother. Him and I will definitely be talking more about this and decide what’s best, but I’d love to hear thoughts on how to best decline her offer.

A few reasons to decline include: 1. It’s a second wedding for us both and we’re trying to keep things simple, 2. She wants to invite our coworkers and friends but our invite list is small so there aren’t too many folks we’d be inviting anyway, and 3. We aren’t registering for gifts and do not want to accumulate more things. Also, I’m not from this area, and I don’t really want to ask my close friends to travel for a shower I’m not interested in having.

Long story short, we want this wedding to feel simple and meaningful and this idea for a shower doesn’t really match up with that. I know FH is hesitant to decline because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but at the end of the day neither of us are real thrilled about a shower. Thoughts?

9 Comments

Latest activity by Sara, on May 1, 2019 at 1:03 PM
  • N
    Savvy July 2019
    NikkiMJ ·
    • Flag
    Honesty is the best policy!
    Just tell her exactly what you wrote on your post!

    Simple weddings still need to be celebrated and as a bride you should still feel special!
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  • C
    Devoted June 2019
    C R ·
    • Flag
    Given your situation, I think your reasons are entirely appropriate. And given her status as FMIL, I think her motives are entirely sweet! I get it, from both angles. How about saying, "I love that you want to help us celebrate, and love your enthusiasm, but given that I don't feel comfortable having a shower for a second marriage, is there something else we can all do together for an afternoon with a few select friends in celebration of this time?" Is there a charity that's near & dear to you and FH? Maybe you can all go and serve meals at a soup kitchen or read to the elderly or volunteer at a pet shelter? Then you're having people give their time instead of money and you might all have fun together? (And let her organize it so that she feels she's doing 'something'). Just thinking out loud...
    • Reply
  • Iva
    Super September 2019
    Iva ·
    • Flag
    I suggest you & FH talk to her together & say that while you love her for being so thoughtful, you are not registered anywhere for gifts & that you don’t need any new things, so shower would probably be pointless.

    We are not having a shower either because we have everything we need & guests will already bring gifts for the wedding, so I don’t see a point.

    About your reasons why not to have a shower though: 1. you can definitely provide guest list to your FMIL, so only people you want to attend are invited 2. I disagree that second weddings don’t deserve as special treatment & celebrations, as the first ones 😉
    • Reply
  • Meagan
    Expert May 2019
    Meagan ·
    • Flag
    Have you thought of maybe just doing like a wedding tea or brunch. Let her invite whomever and you invite locals and make sure the invites say no gifts no money just wanting to celebrate the upcoming marriage. It could be really casual and simple and still please here without being over the top
    • Reply
  • Amy
    Expert May 2022
    Amy ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    This was my first thought exactly. Let her be helpful since it sounds like she really wants to but also celebrate your upcoming wedding in a casual way.
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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    Thank you! Yes, I definitely want to feel special and I’m so excited for our wedding because it’s going to be so meaningful to us both!!! I just don’t want to sit thru another wedding event; this stuff doesn’t really appeal to me.
    • Reply
  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
    • Flag
    All of these thoughts are so great...thank you!!!!

    So I definitely agree that second weddings should be celebrated. I’m not that into weddings and am not interested in a shower. I would like a bachelorette shindig, but other than that I wanna keep things simple.

    That said, all of your comments got me thinking! We weren’t planning to have a rehearsal dinner, but I’d really really like to. So I think we will ask her to arrange that. When I think about having a rehearsal dinner with all of our closest folks, I get really excited— so that seems like a good sign!

    Thank you for all your great thoughts,

    Akirah
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  • Alyssa
    Super September 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I think that by giving her another task, such as the rehearsal dinner in replace of a shower will make her feel involved but also like she is doing something helpful! I think that is a great idea! I think that as long as you are honest with as to you and your FH's reasons behind no shower, she will be understanding.

    • Reply
  • Sara
    Expert June 2019
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Instead suggest a small engagement party? No obligatory gifts, games, or invites. It's more relaxed but still allows her to plan something and have a celebration


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