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Beginner November 2019

How to handle those upset about no plus one

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Danielle, on August 14, 2019 at 8:39 PM

Hi all!
Having a bit of a crisis I’m sure everyone faces when planning. When my fiancé and I set the rules for plus ones we agreed that we would invite all partners who are married/life partners and then only invite the boyfriends/girlfriends who we actually know. For example one of my cousins has a long term girlfriend who I see quite often at family events and get along well with so we wanted to invite her. Another cousin has a girlfriend who I have never met and I haven’t seen him in years so we didn’t invite her.
My aunty has now come to us saying it’s unfair we didn’t invite her sons girlfriend (who I didn’t know existed until she sent me this message.) I explained to her that it’s nothing personal against her we just really can’t afford to invite everybody’s partners if we don’t know them. It’s the same rule for everyone.
She came back with “if you can’t invite everyone don’t invite anyone. She feels left out. Very disappointing”
I guess my question is was this rule fair? I ran it by several guests whose partners I wasn’t inviting and they all were fine with it. Should I just suck it up and invite her? I don’t want there to be any bad blood but it feels to me like she is being quite rude and I shouldn’t give her what she wants as a result. Sorry if this is such a basic boring wedding problem it’s just gotten to me lol. Thank you!

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31 Comments

Super February 2020
Jeanie · on August 15, 2019 at 1:35 AM
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I would stick to your decision. Clearly your cousin wasn’t upset enough to contact you himself, so maybe it’s not actually him who cares about it. You made a decision of where to draw the line. You have based your budget off of that. If you make one exception, you will be making more, so it’s not just going to be one extra guest to pay for. If someone doesn’t want to come for that reason, that’s just childish.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on August 15, 2019 at 1:48 AM
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Only the members of a couple can define whether or not they are a couple. But, if you don't know how they see themselves, ask. It has nothing to do with rings, living together, duration of relationship, or any other external qualification.
A couple is a social unit and both members are invited by name. (If you don't know someone's partner's name, ask.) Honor their relationship when you ask them to honor yours.
A plus-one is the guest of a guest. You are never required to offer your guests the opportunity to bring guests of their own.
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Expert October 2019
Heather · on August 15, 2019 at 9:57 AM
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I mean, technically they are a social unit, wether you knew she existed or not, once you became aware you should have extended the invitation. I know everyone does things their own way, and you aren’t the first to exclude some guests from having a plus one, in my opinion, it’s rude not to invite someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/spouse. If it were me, I would decline the invitation if my SO we not welcome. On the flip side, I do understand the need to draw a line in the guest list at some point. However, the cousin does have every right to feel offended. Especially when you say you invited the SO of another cousin.
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Dedicated September 2019
Teresa · on August 15, 2019 at 10:17 AM
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Had the same issue.
One of the groomsmen in my wedding party suddenly has a girlfriend and wants a plus one that we don't really have room for. He actually went to my FH and told him that his girlfriend needs to come and she can sit on someone's lap if she has to. This one particular groomsmen also insisted months ago that his entire family be invited because when my FH was young they used to babysit him 20 years ago. His family adds 10 extra people! My FMIL ended up cutting some of her friends in order to make room for groomsman entire family. UGH
While the old school etiquette says everyone gets a plus one, the other side of that story is that it's your wedding and you can invite whomever you want. No one should tell you who to invite on YOUR day. I think people who make a point of telling you they need plus ones and guilt tripping you deserve an un-invite personally. Of course you can't do that so you pick your battles. The problematic groomsman in my wedding got his wish just so I can make my FH happy but i'm not happy with his behavior at all. So I plan to stay away.
Pick your battles but make note of the whiners because weddings bring out people's true colors for sure.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on August 15, 2019 at 10:59 AM
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I have to agree with your aunt. I've never been a fan of a bride & groom picking and choosing which significant others should come and which ones shouldn't. If someone didn't invite my husband (even when he was my fiance or boyfriend), I wouldn't attend the wedding at all.
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on August 15, 2019 at 1:33 PM
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We did the exaaaact same thing with my dad's side of the family, and my aunt didn't say a peep about her son's bringing their girlfriends when I talked to her at my shower this past weekend. I invited family first. I think you are perfectly allowed to uphold this rule based on your budget and views on the situation. Her son can enjoy the wedding with all his relatives. Even if you knew about the girlfriend, again, I still say it's your choice. We invited family first, then friends.
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Lady · on August 15, 2019 at 2:44 PM
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No this rule is not fair. You need to invite everyone over 18 with their significant other BY NAME whether you know them or not. If they are truly single, then you do not need to give a plus one. If someone comes back with a significant other that you did not know about, you should absolutely accommodate them.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on August 16, 2019 at 8:34 PM
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"Old school etiquette" never heard of a plus-one and would be shocked and offended by the notion of guests inviting their own guests.
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Savvy October 2020
Dianiris · on August 16, 2019 at 9:38 PM
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Honestly I’m in the quite same boat I want them to have a +1 so they feel more comfortable but at the same time I don’t want them to invite someone either don’t want there or like or even want to go for either pity or negativity.
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Erin · on August 17, 2019 at 9:04 PM
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Uh, no. Your wedding is exactly that- YOUR wedding! A day to celebrate you & your FH’s love with those closest to you, not a family meeting, a party to appease extended family members or a social party for strangers to be invited to- regardless of their significance in other people’s lives. Considering you did not know your cousin was even in a relationship, let alone since finding out the partner has had multiple opportunities to meet and make positive relationships as part of the family before but has chosen not to, this does not point to her being someone who is close to you or currently part of the relationship you are celebrating. There will be plenty of opportunities to meet this woman and maybe even become close friends, but you should never need to be introduced to a guest at your own wedding! Especially when you have had to exclude others who you know, love and want to have there. As far as comparing this to other cousins bringing partners, I assume this is because you at least knew about them pre-planning, if not already met and formed friendships with them. Unless your aunt is funding your day, she doesn’t get to dictate and is totally free to throw a family party inclusive of everyone she wants there.
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Super September 2019
Courtney · on August 18, 2019 at 3:41 PM
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We invited everyone’s significant other. Did I seek out each of my cousins to find out if they have a partner I’ve never heard of? No. But we if knew they had someone they were invited. I’ve been on the other side of this before and it’s awkward and disappointing to be left out when your SO is attending a wedding. It’s awkward for the person going to not have their partner there while the day is about love and relationships and it’s awkward for the person not invited because they can feel left out. Now that we’re planning we understand why people have made those decisions but it’s still not the ideal scenario. Your aunts response wasn’t necessary though. It’s not her wedding or budget but I agree SOs should be included. I don’t think being rude to you was the best way to get her point across.
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