How to get fh onboard with wedding stuff

There's not much you can do but involve him at every step of the way, but mostly you will end up doing most on your own.

I think most men don't understand the magnitude until you show them at each step of the way all the things you are doing. When you speak to vendors, take him with you, have him review costs and contracts.

I gave my FH certain tasks but still had to f/u on everything he did- groomsmen gifts, getting clothing for him and groomsmen. I did everything else but involved him- tastings, decor (he didn't care lol), DJ, photography.

I think the best thing to do is just sit down with him and go through your very detailed list so that he clearly understands everything that needs to be done. Then ask him to take on specific task and give him deadlines for each one of them. Involve him in as many of the other steps as you can so he sees how much there is to do. Explain that without his involvement it’s going to be very difficult for you to pull this off. I can tell you from personal experience that my husband did not do much other than gather addresses, get his own suit and a few other small things.

You can use the Wedding Wire budget tool or vendor checklist as a good "reality check" for your FH. You might also want to think about having a wedding planner. We are not using a wedding planner or day of coordinator, but I have a lot of event and program planning experience and my FH is really on board with helping. If I was doing all the work myself and my FH wasn't stepping up, I'd probably consider just hiring someone else to do it.

I think it can also be helpful to divide and conquer as the previous poster mentioned. While I'm probably leading the charge and doing research and communications with most our vendors, my FH has taken the lead on alcohol and music, and he's also doing everything related to the groomsmen. We are soliciting feedback from one another and keeping each other looped in, but it's helpful to have a few things I can just let go of, and its my FH's wedding too, so I think it's important for him to feel involved in the planning process, like he has control over certain aspects, and that his input is just as important as mine. You know the dynamic of your relationship best, but I think if you tend to be a good communicator and do-er, your FH will probably appreciate you just giving him very clear instructions about what his job is and what you expect his role to be.

I think going over a list of everything that needs to be done and together figuring out what your FH is interested in or has strengths in is the best way to go about getting him to take on more of a proactive role in wedding planning. Once you've both figured out what falls into his area, you can then assign him those parts and create a clear timeline by which things need to happen, then check in with one another periodically about progress.

Good luck!

Tbh I did almost all the work myself and just got over it. I said here’s two options which one do you like and if he didn’t choose I just chose. The things he had agreed to pay for I just sent him the bills and the deadline. I didn’t get his addresses til after invites went out and he was like oh mine need to go out too. I was frustrated bc I wanted to go to the courthouse and he wanted the wedding, and I was the one who made it happen. But in the end we had an awesome wedding and we were really happy and it’s all over now.

Most guys don't really care that much about wedding planning. You can ask his advice between #1 or #2, etc. I would definitely sit down with him showing all the costs and what needs to be done to make the big wedding a success. It is especially important that he realizes the cost. Maybe with all the information, he will concede to having a smaller wedding.

To help put this dilemma into perspective, I asked him about budget and he said that we cannot put a price on our dream wedding. Great! He had a good job so I thought he'd want to pay for it. But then when I asked him how much he thought it would cost, he estimated about $1,500! Yeah, that's not going to happen... I told him that, but he doesn't want to talk about it. nor does he want to set out a realistic budget. I sent him an estimate, but for a week he hasn't had time to open the spreadsheet.

I mailed out save the dates last month to all of my family and all of his friend that I have contact information for to ask their addresses. For everyone else, I do not have their contact information to call or text to get addresses. If he does not physically give me either addresses or contact information, I cannot invite any of his friends or family to the wedding. When I ask him, he's too busy/too tired to do anything about it. AN ENTIRE MONTH has gone by since I sent out my save the dates, and that's because I waited for him TWO MONTHS until I got fed up and sent mine out without him.

I swear we don't have a dysfunctional relationship, but my FH has a different planning process than me and I respect that in all other circumstances. He likes to wait until the last minute and throw a bunch of hail marys to create a party from the chaos. His planning process will not work for a wedding, or at least I don't want to risk it.

Can you circumvent him and ask one of his family members for the addresses for their side? As for his friends.....oh well

He is in for a big shock when he sees exactly how much a wedding costs. Good luck with your planning.

Just accept it that he is just not that into planning and to be blunt, be grateful. Look I love my hubs but some men get some weird ideas and get stuck on them. For example, my hubby was dead set on our wedding reception being a brunch reception. Fine, but.....I needed a place to open early enough to do my hair and makeup, and finding one that opened at 8, near the venue, was difficult. Fine again, but he was DEAD SET on a friggin omelette station. Running 50 people through one station would have been so time consuming!!! I finally said, look we have to move the ceremony time to 11 and make it a lunch. No salons open at 7!!! (We had mac and cheese and pulled pork, fyi!!!)

I made it clear to DH that if he didn't help, then the wedding wouldn't happen. It takes two to get married, so it took two to plan the dang thing.

I agree with the PPs who said to sit him down and show him the checklist and budgeting tools that are available. Then ask him what he cares most about, and tell him those are his jobs. If they don't get done, they will not be at the wedding. (So, say he chooses DJ, and then doesn't do it. Well, he gets to stand up and entertain the guests, then.) Make it clear that you are very stressed by all of this, that this will affect your health and your relationship, and that he needs to step up.

Honestly, I feel that the way you handle wedding planning is a good preview for how you'll handle other major challenges as a couple. If you're doing all the work now...