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Expert October 2020

How to explain to my mom

Futuremrsm, on July 20, 2020 at 12:43 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13

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So i was telling my mom the other day that me and FH are saying our vows to each other during our first look, because both of us hate talking in front of people. Plus FH wants to be able to say his true emotions and such and i want to be able to cry if needed. She got upset and said she wants to be there for the first look because that's "basically when we are getting married"

I explained to her that not even the bridak party would be around us during the first look and vows. They would be waiting a bit away and wouldn't even be able to hear us so we can have our moment. It'll just be us, and photographer and videoGrapher.
Shes upset that she can't hear our vows, but this is what FH and I decided we wanted to do. How do i explain to her that this is an intimate moment for FH and I and literally no one else will be there? She can also watch the video of our vows once we get it.
I understand where she's coming from, but we just want our private vows and will still be saying the generic ones in front of everyone.

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Theresa, on July 21, 2020 at 12:00 PM

Champion October 2018
Kelly · on July 20, 2020 at 12:51 PM
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No is a complete sentence! She might never get it and I’m not sure if there’s a way for you to explain it where she will. But you’re allowed to make your choice and she’s allowed to have her own feelings about it. Her feelings don’t mean you have to change your mind though so keep standing your ground. And I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this!
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Rockstar July 2019
Veronica · on July 20, 2020 at 2:37 PM
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My sister-in-law and her husband did something similar. They each wrote their vows down and gave them as a note to the person the morning of the wedding. At the ceremony, they just read generic vows. They wanted to keep the personal vows private. It might have been easier if you hadn't told her at all, but since you have I would just say you are still going to say vows, but you want your personal vows to be more intimate.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on July 20, 2020 at 3:23 PM
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I don't think there are any magic words to make your mom understand. What you are planning to do is completely fine and it's important to remember that even if your mom is upset, that doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.
Try to limit talking about wedding details with her and don't mention your first look any more. If/when she brings it up again, smile, calmly tell her your plan one more time only, and then change the subject. Subtly or pointedly change the subject every time she brings it up after that.
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Devoted August 2022
Sinaya · on July 20, 2020 at 3:33 PM
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I think exactly what you said above is what you should tell her. You and FH have decided to exchange your personal vows in an intimate moment during your first look. This is a decision you made together, and it won't take away from her experiencing your union at the ceremony. Other than that there's not much you can say, and she may very well still be hurt or upset, but it's not about her, it's about what you guys want.
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VIP August 2020
· on July 20, 2020 at 5:46 PM
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The words you used in your question are perfect for this. If you want to indulge her AND you think you'd be comfortable with it, you could do what you have planned with the first look and private vows, but then use the same vows (or a version of them) during the ceremony instead of generic ones. You can still have the officiant say them for you to repeat to make it easier. However, it is your wedding, not your mom's, so try to keep that in mind and avoid letting her pressure you into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on July 20, 2020 at 6:31 PM
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This. Just this. "No is a complete sentence." I suck with this, but I tell myself constantly and it helps with situations like this. Most of life requires compromise and I'm all about that, but if you want an intimate moment on your wedding day, that's okay.
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Expert July 2021
Llcool_Kay · on July 20, 2020 at 7:00 PM
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My FH and I are doing the exact same thing. At the ceremony we will be doing the traditional vows and at the first look we’ve decided to read personal notes we’ve written to each other. We are super excited because vows should be sacred anyway.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on July 20, 2020 at 7:02 PM
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Might I suggest having someone "hang out" with Mom during your First Look? A sibling, or maybe a member of the bridal party, just in case she doesn't want to take No for an answer and decides to sneak up and watch. Not saying she will, but if you think she might, it's something to consider.
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Expert October 2020
Futuremrsm · on July 20, 2020 at 8:19 PM
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The first look is at a different place than the ceremony, and there isn't room in the limo for her. But I may just ask one of my cousins to stay with her. She's usually the type to listen and I don't think she'd sneak in, I just feel bad
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Super October 2020
Leslie · on July 20, 2020 at 10:27 PM
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Tell her you will have say vows in front an officiant that she will witness which is the legal part.
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Expert September 2020
· on July 20, 2020 at 10:33 PM
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My husband and I had to have an at home wedding this year, and we read our vows to each other alone in our living room. It was honestly one of the most special things ever and i remember thinking how we wouldnt have had that moment if everything turned out as planned. Do what you want! After all, a marriage is between the two people getting married, people tend to forget that
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VIP October 2020
Ingrid · on July 21, 2020 at 1:19 AM
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She understands she just doesn't like it. I wouldn't waste energy on trying to explain what you and your FH want. It's your day, so however you two envision it is what it should be. And don't allow guilt or manipulation to change what you want.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on July 21, 2020 at 12:00 PM
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Well, that's good, then. If it was nearby, that could be a concern. I don't think you should feel bad. You are starting your life with your new husband. There will many things that are private and personal between the two of you that your mom won't be taking part in. This is just the first! She'll be fine. As Leslie said, you're still saying the I Do's during the ceremony, so she will won't be completely left out.
Do what the two of you want, and enjoy your day. Congratulations to you both!
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