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Just Said Yes June 2018

How to deal with family who aren’t invited to a small wedding

Chelsea, on February 21, 2018 at 10:27 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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Hi everyone!
I come from a large blended family while my fiancée comes from a much smaller wedding. I have many step and half siblings. My fiancée and I decided to have a very small wedding, only 13 guests. Preferably we would like to elope but out of respect towards my family I am allowing them to be there. I have to cut back on inviting siblings (all together there is 10!) and have chosen to only allow my brother who I’m very close to and also so that he can help keep the peace between my divorced parents. My stepmother is insisting I invite my new sister in law whom I have never met or talked to before. I said no since I have had to tell my younger sisters and other siblings, cousins, etc they can’t go due to limited space. Including my fiance’s siblings. Everyone has respected that decision, except my step mom and new sister in law! It has nothing to do with me not wanting to meet her but is a destination wedding across the country with only 15 people appropriate for a first time encounter?! Her husband, my stepbrother isn’t able to go so I assumed that his new wife wouldn’t want to go by herself and apparently she is hurt in my assumptions. I have apologized and let them know I have to make cuts for all other siblings. My step mom even threatened to not go if I do not extend my invitation to my new sister in law. They claim I do not care about the family which really hurts.

Please help! How do I respectively deal with this and still enjoy myself at my small wedding?

Thank you,
C

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Chelsea, on February 21, 2018 at 5:55 PM

Just Said Yes May 2018
Lisa · on February 21, 2018 at 10:39 AM
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Unfortunately many people forget this is your day and not theirs. You have made it clear as to why you are not able to invite everyone. You need to do what you feel is best for you and your fiance. Others may feel the need to not come or be hurt but you can't control their actions or how they feel. You are not doing anything wrong with not including a new family member you have never met!
Congrats and good luck!
Lisa
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VIP January 2019
Daria · on February 21, 2018 at 10:40 AM
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Stand your ground. Apologize for the fact that you aren't able to include everyone but it is what it is. If your stepmom doesn't feel able to attend, she will be missed.
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Expert June 2018
lindseybee89 · on February 21, 2018 at 10:42 AM
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Sounds like eloping may have been better, I am not sure.
we have about 150 guests, so I only invited my 24 uncles/aunts because I have ove 30 cousins so that's the whole guest list after plus ones for them. one of my cousins actually made a rude comment to one of my bridesmaids ( her husband works with my cousin) pretty much threatening that the cousins better be invited. yeah, rude. but invite who you want and if they don't come then that's on them. enjoy the guests that come and that's all you can do .
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VIP October 2020
ThePeoplesBride · on February 21, 2018 at 10:45 AM
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I agree with PP. You have invited those who are your nearest and dearest. And that list does not include your sister in law who you have never met. Weddings are not the place to connect/reconnect with people. Especially destination weddings.

Stand your ground. If your step mother makes good on her threat, so be it.
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Super May 2018
Amanda · on February 21, 2018 at 10:53 AM
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Exactly this. It's obvious that your SIL was hurt in your presumptions that she wouldn't want to go since her husband isn't even invited, but yet it's OK for her and your stepmom to presume you don't care about family?
Definitely stand your ground here. Those that cherish their relationship with you and your FS will make a point to make it there if they are financially able to.
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Devoted April 2019
GeekGurl · on February 21, 2018 at 10:58 AM
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So at first I was going to ask if your step mom is paying for part of the wedding but now I'm not even concerned with that. You say this is the first time you are going to be meeting her? So it is super important that she be invited to your wedding but you were not invited to hers? I'm sorry, no.

I think you just calmly explain that just how your new sister in law had to make hard decisions about her wedding you are having to do the same. You are simply not able to extend an invitation to her. If your step mom doesn't show, while it will suck, I think you will be better off.
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VIP September 2018
Happy Hedgie · on February 21, 2018 at 11:16 AM
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100% agree! Why is it so important that she attends yours but, you were (presumably) not invited to your step-brothers wedding either?
I'd stop discussing your guest list with anyone. If you step-mom brings it up again just politely tell her that unfortunately you were not able to include everyone you would have liked and you look forward to meeting your SIL sometime in the near future at another occasion. If she keeps pushing the subject and saying she won't come than just say that is unfortunate and she will be missed. You can then change the subject and know that she is the one being inconsiderate and rude, not you.
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Super September 2019
An · on February 21, 2018 at 11:17 AM
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Yeah I wouldn't invite her either. There is nothing you can do except be firm with your choice and say you understand why she is upset but that you aren't able to invite her and change the subject. I am curious who the other attendees are though if you didn't invite FH siblings or your sisters. I would be hurt if I was them if you invited one and not the rest, but it sounds like they are cool with it.
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Just Said Yes June 2018
Chelsea · on February 21, 2018 at 5:55 PM
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Thank you everyone! I have decided to stand my ground. It is never my intention to hurt others and I can’t control how they react. But I can control my own wedding so I have let family know I will not be influenced by what they think is right. I can’t please everyone.
And yes I was not invited to their wedding nor did I mind. Weddings aren’t about who is invited and who isn’t. And my family just gonna have to get over it.
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