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Just Said Yes October 2023

How to deal with an unwanted guest

Mary, on May 27, 2023 at 11:41 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 7

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I'm having an extremely small wedding, only 6 people will be in attendance. My partner & I are only having our closest friends attend. I'd love to have more people there but due to financial reasons, family dynamics & my partners family being from a different country we have kept our number small.

I was recently spending time with one of my friends that will be attending our wedding. Her mom tagged along for the hangout. She asked me a few questions about the wedding and when she was leaving she said " goodbye, see you in the fall" this caught me off guard because my wedding is in the fall, so I assumed that's what she meant.
I went for dinner with my friend right after & I asked her about it. My wedding is out of town and she said that she would be bringing her mom along. She's not bringing her mom to my wedding ceremony or dinner, but she suggested that she can be there when we get ready to take photos of us. I was caught off guard so I didn't say anything but now I feeling upset about it.
Because my wedding is out of town I planned on spending a few days in the area where we are getting married & then we are moving on to a bigger city. My partner has friends coming from abroad so we were going to do touristy stuff with them. I know that her mom won't be around for the majority of what we do, but I just feel upset that my friend didn't even ask me If this was okay before inviting her. Also the fact that she didn't even tell me, I had to find out this way.
I also don't really want her mom there given that none of our family members will be there & I just wanted the whole thing from start to finish to be friends only.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Mary, on May 30, 2023 at 12:17 PM

CM · on May 27, 2023 at 11:58 PM
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When you are having a true destination wedding, it is actually considerate to allow those invited a +1 or travel companion. In this case, the mother is not even planning or invited to go to your wedding, so I don't think you have a legitimate grievance. For the getting ready part, just say you are more comfortable keeping it to friends, since your own relatives can't be there.
Are you saying that the mom would actually be traveling and touring around with you, too? I wouldn't be OK with that.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Mary · on May 28, 2023 at 3:14 AM
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Sorry to clarify it's not a destination wedding for the people in question. It's a couple of hours away from where we live. This friend is comfortable driving alone to this destination as she's done it before. I know it might be considerate to allow her to have a plus one, but that defeats the whole point of us having a small wedding, and the others guests would also have to have that option. I also would have appreciated being asked first. And yes I do mean her mom will be touring around with us too.

I'm upset because my friend knew this was a small wedding and I had to leave lots of people out. She didn't even ask if this was okay.
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CM · on May 28, 2023 at 8:41 AM
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She wouldn’t have to ask if her mom would just be accompanying her to the area but traveling with you is another story,

If it’s a long drive for everyone involved it’s still considered domestic destination, in which case, yes, everyone should have been given the option of a guest. If you’re asking everyone to essentially take a mini-moon with you and your new husband the same thing is true. But it’s ultimately your guest list and she definitely should have asked.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on May 29, 2023 at 2:40 PM
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If this is a close enough friend to invite to a very limited wedding instead of other acquaintances, then you should be able to talk about uncomfortable topics with no judgement and come out still friends. This is not a case of inviting a plus one. Especially since you are likely cutting out other close friends and family. Sit down and discuss this with her and go from there. She should be able to respect your boundaries or decline attending if it is a problem.
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Master October 2023
Cece · on May 29, 2023 at 4:31 PM
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Talk to your friend. Let her know that, as much as you love her mother, she won’t be able to attend any of the wedding events (including getting ready). Explain to her that you and FH decided to have a friends only wedding, and allowing her mother to participate in any events could cause hurt feelings with your family members, and a lot of uncomfortable family drama you do not want to deal with.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Mary · on May 30, 2023 at 12:15 PM
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Thank you for this lovely advice. I did talk to her & it went better than I imagined. I have a tendency to people please so saying no and setting boundaries is hard for me but I'm so happy that I did.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Mary · on May 30, 2023 at 12:17 PM
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Thank you for the advice. I did talk to her and it went well. I'm working on boundaries and saying no without feeling guilty. I appreciate that you took the time to give me advice.
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