Hi everyone,
I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but things she says and does keep on bothering me and are even hurtful at times....I don't think she means to hurt me but she is not very considerate towards me. I understand everyone has their own schedules and lives, and I am totally fine with that, but this is regarding something different. Here are the things that she has done that have surprised/bothered/worries me about how she might be up to the wedding date:
1. I asked if she would like to hang out and discuss wedding things at first, but she said she was busy, only to change her mind when I offered tickets to go to a Bridecon....which we both got free things from (the other bridesmaids were out of town or working). I was saving things and ideas for the other bridesmaids and entering us all in contests, she entered herself using my wedding information...but I thought that was okay. Then we both won some things (though I am sure it is just a promotional gig to get people to purchase actual items), upon which one was a facial makeover for the winner and a party of her choosing. Now, we had been looking around for the wedding, and the makeup consultant was expecting the wedding party....but she went ahead and gave that option to her other friends instead. When I asked if she was limited on people to bring, she said yes abruptly as to indicate that she was not going to invite anyone from the bridal party, mentioning she had thought about asking the bridal party but went ahead and asked her friends first....apparently she told me last about all this. When I told her that I didn't mind not going to make room for others that might want to go, she suddenly changed her mind and said that there was more room to invite others....on the day of the facial I find out that she didn't invite anyone from the Bridal party....I thought it was a bit inconsiderate of her and a bit selfish...but she had won the prize....with my wedding info....kind of misleading the makeup consultant.....
2. I had just gotten my bangs back and it was the day of the facial. As we all sat there waiting (her, her friends and I), the topic of hair comes up, mainly complimenting her hair color....and then she mentions how much she hates bangs.....especially on her....I awkwardly laugh at the discomfort and hurt by that comment, it felt like a jab at me. But once one of her friends pointed out that it looked good on me and bangs are different on anyone....she didn't seem to be apologetic, just kind of arrogant in her opinion of bangs.....I thought that was a bit mean.
3. Dress Shopping. We were meeting as a bridal party for the first time for brunch, so I basically paid for the brunch and the bridesmaid dresses. I thought it would be nice to surprise them with the wedding dress (I got it already because it was about to be sold out and unavailable after its last dress for the year). So we ate brunch, a little awkward but sweet. Then we went dress shopping, I pretended to try on dresses looking for the "one", and each and every dress she and I clashed on styles. I am not a princess-ballgown kind of girl, I like sweet and elegant, she likes a ton of bling and just a bit gaudy in style (like over the top, where only see the dress and not the bride). Anyway, we didn't agree there on a lot of things, but she was using particularly harsh words to describe dresses I did like as "ugly" and "hate"....mind you I have never heard her say things or describe things like this ever before. I tried not to pay too much attention, but she was generally very negative and only positive on the ones she liked (which I had no interest in). My other bridesmaids generally had positive comments on every dress I wore and were gauging me to see how I liked the dress, so I noticed a difference between her and my other bridesmaids clearly. I soon revealed my dress, to my surprise she liked it, but then that kind of got ruined when she said she wanted to get that dress for herself and that she thought it would look amazing on her... she is not a bride yet, nor indicated that she would marry her boyfriend anytime soon...she just wanted my dress....I guess that can be a good thing? Then we looked at bridesmaid dresses, and the whole time she was concerned with how she would look at the wedding...I mean I want the bridesmaids to look nice, but my other bridesmaids actually cared that they didn't clash or blend too much with the wedding dress.....that thought had never crossed her mind....she was checking herself out the whole time, while the other bridesmaids and I were discussing how they felt and how they would look at the venue and the wedding overall. My other bridesmaid eventually got her (the one focused on herself) to discuss along with all of us......
4. She hasn't been too responsive to text, but keeps sending me snaps of her roommates' dogs (which she kind of thinks of her own)...and around the time of the engagement party, which all of my other bridesmaids help chip in long hours while also working and came early on the day of the engagement party to help setup the house...she said she would be there at noon, but asked if any of the other bridesmaids was there, I told her no but that they were on their way to help....so she didn't arrive at noon like she said she would (party is at 3PM), then the other bridesmaids arrive at around 1:30 PM, but she still has not arrived....my sister coming from New York (who is notoriously known to come late) came to the house to help before her. She didn't try coming over to help until I told her that everyone of the other bridesmaids was there helping already. She lives 10 minutes away.....the other bridesmaids were about 45-1 hour away....while the other bridesmaids were helping out, even my sister who is outspokenly selfish (she proclaims this about herself with pride) was asking for how to help, while this other bridesmaid of mine was just walking around just kind of looking and enjoying the scenery.....finally I had to get all project manager like and just give her things to do instead of ask things of her and my other bridesmaid did the same so we could pull the engagement party together.
I don't know...she has never been like this before, but after I asked her to be a bridesmaid its like she is a totally different person? Am I concerned about how to interact with her and I am not sure if she can feel my frustration with her, as I feel like she could make a bit more effort to be helpful or inclusive with the other bridesmaids, or even more considerate in the way she has been speaking to me....but I don't know. Do girls tend to change when they become bridesmaids? I've heard of bridezilla and believe me I have taken measures to prevent that (I have a high stress job and so we got a wedding coordinator to handle everything), but is this a preview of how she is going to be until the wedding and if so, what do I do? I don't want to ask her to step down, I still think that is a bit drastic, I have checked with my best friend and fellow bridesmaid and she does believe that this bridesmaid may be being a bit selfish and inconsiderate toward others based on her own observations, but she didn't want to say anything until I said something. I am trying to distance myself from her to not become anymore frustrated/disappointed/mad at her in any way, but frankly speaking, if this is who she really is, I'm not sure I want a friend like that anyways.
Thank you for listening and congratulations to all of your weddings!
Love, Ayaka
