How to Cope with Family Disapproval?

Having been a "disapproving sister" I am sorry you are going through this. While my brother's relationship and the reason my family disapproves of my SIL is very different (and earned on her part year after year), I want to let you know it's not necessarily malicious, although that might not help. I I too have always pushed so hard for my parents approval and when I broke up with my ex (who was a "manly man" like my dad) I think my dad was more hurt than I was, despite knowing that he had been cheating on me for a long while. When I introduced them to FH (shortly after the break up) dad was not happy at all. I had come to terms with my situation before we actually broke up so I didn't need the time my family expected. Beyond that, FH is not a "manly man" and my dad absolutely despised him when I would fix things around the house. I tried explaining to him that its because I had a dad that raised me as his "first born son" and taught me how to do those things where FH's father traveled for work a lot and if something broke they would just call someone to fix it. It has taken almost 3 years, but they are actually really close now, so much so I complain that FH talks to my dad more than I do!

Another story to maybe show you there is hope... when my mom married my dad my grandmother HATED HIM. He didn't have a reliable car so mom would pick him up for dates and gran hated that she was driving around late at night by herself. He didn't have best job, his parents lived in a camping trailer in southern Missouri at a camping ranch... gran thought he was trash. On their wedding day, gran literally had the car running behind the church and continued to tell mom it wasn't to late to leave AS THEY WERE WALKING DOWN THE AISLE (gramp had passed about 10 years prior so gran got that honor) and it wasn't a joke. It took years of marriage and a couple of kids before she finally started to come around but gran absolutely adores my dad now.

I've definitely been a disapproving friend. My best friend's first fiance was terrible. She dodged a bullet.
The second one is a very close friend's husband. He and I took a lot of time to get used to each other.

If I'd married the guy I was dating when I was 19-22, I'd be miserable. Because I grew a lot during my 20s.

I dont have any magical advice. You're just gonna have to deal with it.

But dont walk on eggshells. Maybe if they see how happy you are, they'll start being happy for you.

I think you should have a conversation with your family. Find out what the root issue is. If it's because he took a year off from school, that's better than taking a ton of classes and being in debt for something that his heart wasn't into and that's kinda silly on their part. He's graduating and that's going to be huge accomplishment! However if they have genuine concerns, I don't think it would hurt to listen. Many of us have had relationships where outsiders see things we don't and when we break up, we finally see what they saw. Ultimately it is your decision to marry this person and only you can make that decision for you. If you love each other and this is who you are choosing to spend your life with, that's great and should be celebrated! I think it will all start with an open and honest conversation between all of you to get things out in the open.

Time helps a lot. Be engaged and be happy, and do not bring up the wedding until the last year with any of your family. Or change what you are doing, or try to get them closer through anything you do. Be their daughter, all grown up, confidant in your own choice, and not needing approval from them in the area of loving your FI. As long as you engage with your family, they will try to pull you apart. Just " go limp", no fighting, no defending yourself or him. Just say, good manners means, if you cannot say anything nice, talk about something different, or be quiet. At first they will get upset. Don't do anything. If they persist, just get up and walk out of wherever you are with them. Make it clear: They are out of bounds. Not their area or place to criticize your adult choices. . . . You have my profound sympathy. My now hubby comes from a tight knit , very large, Italian family. I am if a different race, ethnicity, religion, and very much an independent person. The first time I met FI's parents, his mom and I clicked. His father said, I can't even figure out, what you are or where you came from, or if we are going to let you marry our son T. . . We get along wonderfully now. Then FI spoke his piece, once. Hard to get up and walk out on a few family dinners with 20-30 of his brothers, sisters, and their kids when he would drive 5 hours to see them, and leave when the trash talk started from all but FMIL and one younger brother. And FFIL aunts were vicious. But in short order it was clear every time, T was behaving wonderfully, like and adult sin they could be proud of. But nothing they could say negative about me or us did anything but cut short his visit, even if mid-meal two hours after he arrived. Supposed to be a 3 day visit? Don't start, or I am out the door. A few such visits, and it was clear: They could go on being nasty ( except FMIL, never), or they could have their son and I with them like happy family. First came a grudging respect for his son. Then at some point, Papa and all but a couple of SIL became outright friendly. And curious in a nice way. . . . At first it was very stressful on T. Raised in the middle if a family of 13 kids, 8 aunts and uncles with 8 large families within blocks, neighbors and schoolmates as well as family, he had never been on the outs with them. And was used to giving in to Papa and uncles. He has more of their approval and respect, and live, than ever. And they are wonderful to me and the kids. Except 3 wives of his brothers. Who stay quiet. Part of being a couple is setting boundaries around the two of you as a couple. Starting with, like my love or not , you behave respectfully, and do not insult or treat as a child your independent mid twenties adult. You. Just never show anger, or fight, or try to justify his good qualities. As soon as you do, they will consider things up for discussion and dissect him. Make it an issue only if their manners ( say something good or nothing at all) and of your new status as an adult who is part of a couple. 😊 I hope things turn out as well for you as for us.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your perspective! It definitely helps to see both sides of the situation. I’m hoping over time they’ll see everything I see in him, it just really sucks in the moment lol.

View Quoted Comment When we first got engaged my mom and dad sat me down separately to talk about specific concerns they had, which were actually things I had all discussed with my fiancé over the course of the last few years. So in a way I’ve kind of settled those issues for them, now it just seems like they wish I was marrying someone else who is “better”, which my best friend has said is a bs reason not to be happy for me. Maybe as time goes on i’ll try to talk to them again, but right now it feels like I’ve just got to step away from talking about being engaged/wedding planning around them.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing your story! I agree, I do need to be more assertive moving forward. I’m glad things worked out for you & I’m hoping the same will happen for me!

View Quoted Comment Perhaps once they see that its real and really going to happen, they'll come around. I'll be sending positive vibes your way!