How to come to terms with people not attending?

We have not sent our invitations out yet, so obviously we have received no RSVP's yet. However, I am expecting, and honestly, hoping for a good handful of "no"s. I keep telling my self, the less people that come, the cheaper it will be! Our per person cost is pretty high, so I will probably celebrate the no's. So maybe try that approach? I know it is hard when it is family. But maybe remind your FH that this will help save you money that you can use towards your honeymoon or maybe a trip to see these family members that cannot make the wedding! Hopefully that will soften the blow.

Distance can be a real barrier. You're not just talking the money for the flight, but also for accommodations, food, wedding gift, attire, child/pet care, school, work, you get the idea. Some people simply can't save that type of money and have enough other responsibilities that impede them - no matter their situation.

It really is difficult to stop someone from feeling the way they do. He's perfectly entitled to his feelings. The concern comes in if he's allowing that to impact his relationship with them or how he behaves around the rest of the wedding, that's were you can help. Validate his feelings, but try to help him see all the other wonderful things that are happening.

He just may need time to work through his feelings without anyone minimizing.. which you have brought up many positive points but it could come off as minimizing his feelings if you use them too much. Outline it is not personal and that you get it, leave it at that.

I'm wondering... is it financially possible within the next 12 months or shortly after the wedding to plan a trip to see these family members? If you are taking video of the big day, maybe a trip with plans to watch the video and just spend time together? It's not the real thing but it may help him down the road.

I was bummed at some of our "no" RSVPs but very few were that surprising when you think of how often we see them in our state (if we aren't traveling to see them). I would really focus on the ones making your wedding a priority and attending!

I'd say tell him it's okay to be sad about it but also remind him you don't know why they said they couldn't come and can't take it personally unless they said something to him.

Money is not the only obstacle that some people may face. My husband's workplace has a maintenance shutdown every year mid-Sept through Oct. They are not allowed vacations during that time, as it's an all hand on deck type situation. Also, there are only 4 people in his dept, and they choose vacations at the beginning of the year based on seniority. If someone else has already selected the time he wants off, of well. He has to choose another time.

So, somewhere being easily accessible with reasonably priced flights may have no bearing on the situation.

View Quoted Comment I agree that you need to be careful with this. His feelings are real. But he needs to understand that not everyone places the same value on going to a wedding. And would not be upset to miss the wedding of their most favorite person in the world. Even though they live you and support your marriage wholeheartedly. And some other people really find travel difficult, for a host of reasons they do not want to disclose. So aversive, or so financially out of reach , they would miss their own wedding if they had to fly to it. People not coming to your wedding is not a measure, do they love him or not. . . . My mom finally had a heart to heart sit down with my youngest sister who was having anxiety attacks, talking to everyone about her problem, because she and her FI were upset people from overseas could manage to get here, but not people 500-700 miles away. And for the time being, were sworn to not discuss it with outsiders. Since the real ID deadlines for some states passed last year, two couples were in states where they did not have real ID new standard licences. 1 had just stopped driving for medical reasons, license expired ( which was Real ID documented) within a month and had not been able to get non- driver Real ID qualified in time for the wedding. Cannot fly anywhere without it. Overseas peaople could come in using passports and visas But US people from some states with no passport and no Real ID certified ID, cannot get on a flight, and won't necessarily drive 12 hours, particularly if older with medical issues. One relative does home dialysis, and had cancer, and was not telling people why she stopped traveling. Two aunts on his side were big (short and heavy for height, wide hipped) and would not fit in a discount coach seat for $300 plus fees, and first class started at $750 plus larger fees. $700 extra per person they could not afford , for round trip. We have an uncle, and a separate family separate place, a cousin. One then awaiting trial on a manslaughter charge ( was acquitted) and cousin on a possession charge. Conditions of release on recognizance or bail: must stay within state by judicial order, or wait the 10 or 8 months in jail. No wedding exceptions . My grandfather's vision is now nearly gone. He came to every other wedding, till a couple if years ago. Missing baby sister's, because it is so upsetting to him to be in the chaos or a huge group 1/3 family he knows, the rest strangers, and see nothing. And no one . . . These reasons do not matter to your case. But are an example: people have reasons for not coming that have nothing at all to do with the person getting married. Whether in embarrassment, or hurt, someone whose spouse just filed for divorce, or had an affair: who wants to go to a wedding? . Finances so tight the medical bills are piling up? Right, spend $400 times two so we can go to a one day thing.
. . Not a good idea. . . Don't tell FI it does not matter. It matters to him . But do try to make the point that they may be hurting because they cannot come, not willing to embarrass themselves and say why. So he needs to see it as a "they CAN'T come", and not a "they could come if they wanted to" issue . It used to be very common for weddings where one family was a distance away, when flying was easier ( no time for security, no special ID, motels still easy to find under 30 dollars ) but relatively far more expensive airfare, for couples to make a trip to the other family's area shortly after the wedding, for a family and hometown friends only dinner, or party at a home. Such a small family, they might be thrilled that you newlyweds would come to them . And FI could simply enjoy his friends company on wedding day .

View Quoted Comment Yes which OP has said to him already. If he has past abandonment or mental health issues, OP is probably not trained to help him work past it. Usually people understand that it's not personal but OP says she's tried to get him to understand that and it's not working. Maybe in time it will resolve itself but it may be more positive and less tiresome to try and get him out to his family as soon as possible. Perhaps he may switch from these negative feelings and thoughts into something positive without tiring OP mentally.

I know it is difficult but he will have to work through this. It is understandable - It is HIS wedding day!!! That is a big deal!

We have a nephew who never RSVP'd and lived in the same town and never came. His loss.

I agree with it could be "can't get time off work issue" I am not allowed to take the first two weeks off or the last two weeks of school. I am a teacher. If someone has a wedding where I needed a Friday off to travel, I could not attend. One time a staff member got married on the first Saturday in September and had to report the next Monday.