How to ask in laws if they’re contributing

You usually wouldn’t ask if they’re contributing. It’s their decision to offer to help financially if they want to. The tradition of “brides parents pay for the wedding” and “grooms pay for the rehearsal dinner” isn’t as present today as lots of couples pay for portions or the entire event themselves. If your fiances parents have spoken to him about contributing but haven’t given him details then he should have a conversation with them regarding what they can help with. If they haven’t brought it up, I’d assume they aren’t contributing. I’d plan for the rehearsal dinner you can afford and are comfortable hosting with your budget. It doesn’t have to be fancy or super expensive and that way you’re in complete control of the guest list too!

If someone is planning to contribute to your wedding they will tell you. In this specific instance I wouldn't say anything. You should pay for the rehearsal dinner and any other costs that your generous parents are not covering.

You don’t ask. If they want to offer, they will.

I disagree with the other posters! It is your choice to have a wedding, but most parents have at least some involvement and I don’t think there is anything wrong with having them contribute.


I had this issue with my future in laws because we have the majority of the guest list (we have a lot of family friends on my side coming) and since my fiancée’s family are more conservative when it comes to speaking about money. I asked my fiancée to initially bring up the conversation with his parents to ask whether they felt comfortable contributing to the wedding. When that much was established, I spoke to them and said my parents were contributing X but we didn’t want them to contribute as much given we had a higher guest count, but if they felt comfortable giving however much, we would be greatful for any contribution. In the end they decided to contribute 1/4 (we are covering 1/4 and my parents the other 1/2) as they were mindful that even though they had a very small guest count of their own, there were still expenses that would be incurred regardless of numbers.
At the end of the day, they want us to have a beautiful wedding and were happy to help us out. We are also having a wishing well and will be distributing the monetary gifts between ourselves and both parents to somewhat recoup the expense.
I think have your fiancée bring things up and take it from there. Good luck!

You don't. If someone wants to contribute to your wedding they will offer on their own. No one is financially responsible for any part of the wedding except for the people getting married. It's nice that your family is helping cover the costs, but that doesn't mean your fiance's family has to contribute in anyway. I would plan to pay for the rehearsal dinner on your own. Plenty of people pay for their own weddings. We paid for 95% of our wedding. My parents and mother-in-law contributed the other 5%. My father-in-law didn't help at all nor did we ask or expect him to.

This is a know-your-in-laws situation. Normally, you definitely wouldn't ask, at all. If they want to, they'll offer, and expecting them to contribute is rude. But, if you know they aren't planners and want to contribute, but need to be prompted to have a "formal" conversation about it, you can bring it up.

I agree with the ladies that said you don’t ask. It’s your wedding and you’re expected to cover it. It’s very nice of your parents to contribute and if your in laws wanted too they would offer.

In our situation, my parents are paying for half of the wedding costs, and I personally paid for photography, videography, and day of coordinator. I told my FH he is responsible for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon.


In our case his mother offered to help pay for rehearsal dinner. She’s financially not in a good place, so he knows to accept whatever she can do graciously, but that we shouldn’t dwell.
Sounds like in your case, I wouldn’t expect any help, and be pleasantly surprised if she does.

We are paying for our own wedding and no one has offered to pay for anything. That is how I know it is all on us. I would never ask for anyone to pay for any part of my wedding.

You don’t. If they want to contribute, they’ll tell you.

You don't ask; they know they can offer. Plus, if there is already friction on their side with some of the choices you've made about the wedding, asking them to pay for something might not go over very well. Until they offer, plan what you can afford, and consider it a nice surprise if they decide later to help contribute to the cost.

You don't ask. If they offer, you may graciously accept. It is not so common for parents to pay most cost of a wedding. With your parents paying so much, you are getting off easy. Rehearsal Dinners are an optional party, and if you have one, they can be very inexpensive and casual,or a big formal dinner.

It’s entirely up to them and no you should not ask them. If they want to pay they will, and to be honest it sounds like they don’t because I’m sure they would’ve already offered. I’m totally not trying to come off as being too harsh but it is your wedding and you’re technically responsible for paying the whole thing unless family members come to you and offer. You shouldn’t expect parents to pay for anything once you are over the age of 18.

View Quoted Comment I definitely agree with this. My in laws are people who would love to help and not know how so would need prompting. But it’s something my mom will deal with as the “parents” because I know my mom is contributing and would like to know if they would as well. Not because she needs it but because she knows that they would feel offended if she took care of things and never asked them for the help or wasn’t prompted on what to pay for. Everyone is different, every family is different. If your fiancé has a good relationship maybe he can bring it up to them? But not everyone’s situation is going to be the same as yours and that’s okay. Best of luck!

You don't. ESP if there is friction between you and your mother in law. Even if they do offer, I'd be wary of the money coming with strings. She may try to push her grandkid onto the guest list.

If she wasn’t involved in planning the rehearsal dinner, than I would expect you to get the funds elsewhere. Her son can ask if she’d like to help with the rehearsal dinner both financially as well as planning. But don’t expect it to be your vision. Just an FYI our will be pizza. It doesn’t have to be a big fancy dinner before your big day.

Thank you for all your comments. I didn’t mention that the only reason we’re confused with bringing it up to them or not is because she’s briefly mentioned hosting it when we first got engaged, but had yet to mention it since. If she never mentioned it we wouldn’t be confused. I also didn’t mean to come across as if we’re unable to find it ourselves. We’re adults and know right from wrong with our manners and I feel like I came across as if we expected them to pay for it just because. That isn’t the case at all. Thank you again to those helpful comments.

You don't ask. They offer. If they do not, you figure out a way to pay for it. (And a rehearsal dinner can be a pizza party.)

I had not really expected my ILs to do anything, because they were going to be out of the country until a few weeks before the wedding. However, they love to host, knew most of our BP, and offered very early on to have it at their place. DH and I were thrilled, it ended up being a fantastically relaxed and the food was (as usual) delicious.

This is something that your FH is best poised to deal with - he will know if his parents would feel comfortable doing this, if they know the tradition, if it's something they want to be hinted/asked... but in terms of you? No, this is on him... and he shouldn't ask. At most, he can have a conversation.

We have been in need of help before but haven’t asked for anything - we used to have the mindset of most people commenting here. My husband’s parents noticed that we were struggling and have started saying, “if you need help, just ask us.” They assume that we are fine unless my husband asks for help, and when he does, they are happy to. Every family is unique. I know that lots of people disagree on this subject, but it is always possible that your FH’s parents assume that you don’t need help because you haven’t asked or brought it up. I would just have your FH casually bring it up to them in a private conversation without pressure to see where they stand.

I would just ask Fiance to bring it up as in Mom we don't want to step on your toes you mentioned that you wanted to host the rehearsal dinner . do you still want to or should we go ahead and plan it?