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Just Said Yes September 2022

How to ask a bridesmaid to reconsider her role?

Hannah, on March 4, 2022 at 1:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16

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Please help!
I asked one of my friends I have known for a couple years to be my bridesmaid. She said yes, and that this was her first time ever being one. I didn't know at the time she was considering moving out of state for a new employment opportunity. I am so happy for her and she definitely deserves it! Her job consumes almost all of her time and she works Mon - Sat. She said she will be unable to attend my bridal shower, my bachelorette party, and will not be able to help with wedding related tasks as she cannot get any time off.

My concerns are: 1) we don't really talk much anymore.I will not have seen her anytime between when she moved to my wedding.. which is ten months.2) she doesn't know the other bridesmaidsI don't want her to feel left out when we are all getting ready and she is the only one that has missed out on my whole wedding process. Also, when she isn't having fun it is blatantly obvious and she can bring the mood down.3) She can't attend my bridal shower and bachelorette party. I don't mind as much that she won't be able to help with wedding things, since I understand how demanding her job it. But those two events are very important for them to be apart of. Especially because it is unfair to the other bridesmaids who are putting a lot of effort and time into making these events come together.
I just feel like being a bridesmaid is her last priority, if it even is one at this point. I want to have a conversation with her. I'd like to ask her to step down in her role, but I also know she will probably not take it well.
We have not bought bridesmaids dresses yet, and she is not financially tied to the wedding in any way.
Please help. Any insight, advice, or personal experience would be great. Thank you so much.

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Theresa, on March 7, 2022 at 12:51 PM

Super March 2022
JA · on March 4, 2022 at 2:22 PM
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I think a lot of these things are her call, ie: not coming to the events, not knowing the other girls. Keep in mind asking someone to step down can absolutely be the end of the friendship. To avoid drama, I'd keep it in her court. something like, "I know you are not able to do (X,Y,Z), but I want to make sure that you still are excited about being part of my wedding. I want to let you know that I really need you to (X,Y,Z, ie: Attend the rehearsal, pay for dress/makeup/ whatever) I love you and our friendship, but I know you are super busy so I want to make sure this isn't too much for you! And if it is easier for you to come as a guest, I won't have any hard feelings as long as I still get to celebrate with you!"
As nice as it would be for all bridesmaids to do everything, it really isn't always possible. If you value the friendship then the important part would be her being next to you on your wedding day and cheering you on.
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Just Said Yes September 2022
Hannah · on March 4, 2022 at 2:32 PM
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Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it 🙂
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 4, 2022 at 4:00 PM
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Because she has already been asked to be a bridesmaid, you cannot ask her to step down without ending the friendship. That is why you pick only your closest innermost support system no earlier than 6 months before the wedding. Were you explicit and transparent with expectations when you asked her? Really the only responsibility she has as a bridesmaid/maid of honor is buy a dress, show up on the wedding day to support you and have fun at the reception. Is there some reason she is not able to do those things?
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Devoted December 2022
Orianna · on March 4, 2022 at 5:01 PM
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My fiancé had, kind of, a similar situation in that he asked one of his oldest friends when we met him for dinner one night and then by the end of the night, he regretted it. His friend has gone through a rather crappy divorce and was very down on marriage in general. To the point where when we got in the car I was honestly concerned that he had talked my fiancé out of marrying me (fiancé's response was choice: "Well, he talked me out of marrying him."). After discussing it, we eventually decided it would be best for everyone if a different friend was his groomsmen instead.
But since he had already asked him, we put the decision on him. My fiancé gave him a call and talked to him, and simply said something along the lines of that he got the feeling he wasn't super thrilled to do the whole groomsman thing, and with his job we know he'll be busy a lot, so if it would be easier my fiancé was letting him out of his commitment, but we look forward to having him at our wedding and partying with him (and he's going to be invited to my fiancé's bachelor party as he loves those). He immediately jumped on the out and bowed out. My fiancé has since asked a different very old friend who was beyond thrilled and we think everything will be better for everyone.
Maybe just give her the option of stepping down. Call her and talk to her and say something along the lines of, you know she just moved and her job is really demanding, and you know being part of a wedding party can get expensive, and you want her to know if it would be easier for her to come to your wedding as a guest and not a member of the wedding party there will be absolutely zero hard feelings. Either way, you're going to have so much fun on the night together and you can't wait to see her when she comes.
She might be feeling the exact same way as you but doesn't want to disappoint you. This way she has the out without feeling like an asshole, and you kind of give off the feeling that it'll be best if she steps away without straight up asking her to step down. It's never fun to be kicked out of a wedding party. I was with my brother's wedding for really petty trash reasons that honestly, we've never moved past and was the beginning of the end of having a real relationship with my brother and his wife. This way, its simply an option, respecting everyone's time and just make sure she knows you're good with whatever decision she makes!
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on March 4, 2022 at 7:08 PM
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You asked her to be in your wedding party and you can't "unask" her without potentially damaging or ending the friendship. It never feels good to get kicked out of something.
She's under no obligation to help with the wedding or attend any of the pre-wedding events.
If you ask her if she still wants to participate, it might sound like you kinda don't want her to.
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Super June 2021
Bird · on March 4, 2022 at 8:42 PM
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If I were you I would just keep her as a bridesmaid and see her the morning of your wedding.
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Expert July 2022
Jmz · on March 5, 2022 at 1:41 AM
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Maybe there's an organic way to bring the conversation up? Like, you want to talk with her to catch up and then you also start stating your reasons like "you're so busy with this new job..." etc etc. Ask again, "so you're sure you really cannot attend the Bachelorette? Because it means a lot to me that you'd be there and all the other bridesmaids will be..." but don't just outright say you don't want her as a bridesmaid or sound naggy, just lead her to talk about it and her feelings. Maybe you can naturally lead her to the conclusion herself? You know her best. If there's no way to get her to naturally come to that conclusion, I'd probably just leave it alone. The one day she's involved on the wedding, you don't need to cater to her if you're worried she'll bring the mood down. Good luck!
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Super June 2021
Bird · on March 6, 2022 at 8:46 AM
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I did the “I’m sure you’re busy and you probably don’t want to come” spiel and it backfired on me. I was on the phone with her crying and yelling and screaming for 5 hours and I had to cancel a dinner with another friend so I could mend the friendship. I wouldn’t say anything.
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Just Said Yes September 2022
Hannah · on March 6, 2022 at 8:53 AM
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So I guess my main issue here, which I didn't voice too much in the original post is that we have drifted apart. We have talked once on the phone and last texted over a month ago. She never reached out, and I'm almost always the first one to get the conversation going. She hasn't asked anything about the wedding, and last time we did talk on the phone it was three hours of her talking about herself and her job. She didn't even ask about the wedding.
So my concern is I don't want someone bringing me down on my wedding day, because she doesn't know the other bridesmaids and is going to expect me to entertain her (we went on a trip together once and the experience wasn't the best because she wasn't entertained the whole time). And that I am going to, at that point, have almost a complete stranger that I havent seen or talked to much in my wedding party.
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Just Said Yes September 2022
Hannah · on March 6, 2022 at 8:57 AM
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I also took all of my bridesmaids out to breakfast after I asked them all. There i discussed my expectations and that it was very important for me to have all of them at the bridal shower and bachelorette party. We picked days that could work with everybody, except her being unable to or commit.
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Super June 2021
Bird · on March 6, 2022 at 10:33 PM
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Hi Hannah, I totally understand where you’re coming from and wouldn’t want her as my bm either! But wanting and doing are two separate things. Major major major major drama can occur if you “kick” someone out of your wedding. Even if you phrase it like you’re trying to help them out .. and that it will be better for them, she may take it the wrong way and I just want to warn you that it is super tricky and I think 90% of the time bad bad bad things happen.
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Super May 2022
Samantha · on March 7, 2022 at 8:35 AM
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If you can find a gentle way to offer her an out, that's different than telling her she's out. She's probably super overwhelmed with a new job, new city, new home, etc. Try to be patient.
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VIP October 2017
Cassidy · on March 7, 2022 at 9:19 AM
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People put all these wild expectations on bridesmaids and I really think that's unfair. If she lives far away or will, I think you can give her the benefit of the doubt, I think expecting so much out of your bridesmaids is too much. One of my sister's bridesmaids lived in Washington state while my sister lived in PA, all she expected of this particular bm, was to show up for the rehearsal dinner, and be there for the wedding. Since she lived so far away, I don't think it was unreasonable for her not to attend a bridal shower.
Her other BMs handled the shower and it was fine. I lived about 3 hours away from her too, and I was barely able to make all these wedding events.
We're so infantilizing ourselves by acting like we can't do this stuff on our own. You don't need a girlfriend to hold your hand in wedding planning or at your shower, you're a grownup. I don't know what. you think she needs to be a part of that is SO important that you don't want her at the altar with you.
You buy a dress, try to support the bride before and during the wedding, and try to show up for other wedding-related events--but I really get hot and bothered by people acting like this is some horrible responsibility. I could see if you can't afford the dress, but seriously that is the ONLY reason I would say to "ask someone to step down as a bridesmaid."
It really doesn't need to be this long list of expectations about attending a bachelorette party and shower and quite frankly to me, those were not important.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on March 7, 2022 at 10:27 AM
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Agree 100% with Cassidy. Having people in the wedding party is for you to honour them. It's not the other way around.
Look at Bird's post again. Suggesting that someone wants out of the party may end in even more drama. We've seen it here many many times. I would avoid "giving her an out" so as to speak.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on March 7, 2022 at 10:29 AM
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You're looking at things the wrong way around. Being in a wedding party is meant to be an honour reserved to mark how much these people have been valued in your life. It's not a list of jobs and expectations. Showers and bachelorettes are nice, but they are gifts given freely by anyone attending your wedding. They don't owe you parties or their time. It's your chance to treat your closest people extra special.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on March 7, 2022 at 12:51 PM
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People who just started new jobs don't have an unlimited amount of vacation days to take. In fact, many can't take any vacation for the first 6 months, and have limited time after. She may be saving her time for your actual wedding weekend, and can't attend anything else.
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