How to approach an uninterested bridesmaid

I don't really see how her response was rude. She's simply saying that your wedding is still 4 months away and she will take it somewhere near her for alterations, which makes sense. If you have other concerns, you should definitely approach her about them, but I think you're being a little dramatic about her text. I would simply call her or ask her out to coffee and say "your attitude toward me has changed recently and I'd like to talk about it." She should be one of your closest friends, so addressing problems in your relationship shouldn't be a huge issue.

I wouldn't read too much into the text thing. I would just let that go and focus back on your friendship like PP said. Friendships can get a little odd during wedding planning. And it sucks that you're going through this, absolutely! And I see that you're trying to be the good friend.

Maybe just plan a night out for the two of you that is like it used to be - no talk of wedding, no talk of jobs, no talk of anything of the sort. Reconnect over a bad movie and popcorn at one of your homes. Do something that's just the two of you that completely takes the wedding out of the conversation. Talk it out like friends if it comes up. If the friendship is important to you and worth saving, the best gift you can give is patience. Jealousy may be a factor, but maybe this lash out is her way of reaching out for her friend again, you know? Just two cents from the peanut gallery, and if I missed the mark, my apologies

She's in college and getting ready to graduate. It's the end of the year and finals are happening. She needs to focus on herself right now, not your wedding in a few months.

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I agree with this. I think it's easy to let the wedding take over your entire life and it's important to remember your friends still have their own stuff going on (which it sounds like you do understand and acknowledge which is good). I also think jealousy can be playing a role in it as well. I would let the texting comment go and just focus on fixing your friendship. Take some time to do something fun together and not talk about the wedding as Melissa said.

I did not once say that she should drop everything to focus on my wedding. I understand she has a lot going on. I never said the girls had to pick up their dresses anytime soon either! I was just requesting that once they do, they let me know. I don't think that's a very large request.

I try my absolute best to not talk about the wedding when we are together and to ask her how she is doing, but when I do so it always ends with her crying and telling me I don't understand. She even said to my face that she has higher hopes for herself than what I do for a living and she would never want to be stuck with marrying a teacher.

I just feel attacked by her when I am being nothing but nice. So now anything that she says to me about the wedding is going to be taken in a negative way because she has not been friendly to me at all.

Well, first of all I don't think her comment about the dress was rude at all. She probably felt she was being parented or scolded for having to check in with you about picking up a dress. I understand why you wanted everyone to communicate with you so you know if there's an issue but I think sometimes it can come off as hovering over people's shoulders when they're adults and are completely capable of stepping up to their responsibilities. But I get it..i've found myself hovering over people too while planning this thing because you just want things to go smoothly.

As for your BM pulling away...it's hard to deal with a friends getting married when you're very single. I would reach out to her and spend more time with her with just the two of you. Remind her that you love her and besides a ring being on your finger not much will change in your friendship. If no connection is made then I would confront the problem and ask her if she wants an out of the Bridesmaid responsibility.

How is she to pay for her dress without a job? That’s probably her biggest stress. Be prepared she might not get her dress because she can’t afford it. Can you offer to pay for it, or ask her if she’d rather attend as a guest?

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She did already pay for the dress. I truly want her to have fun and be part of my day but she just makes a problem out of everything! It's so hard to please everyone and I also have a lot to do. I just wish if she needed help or had any problems that she would just come to me rather than making a mountain out of a molehill.

I also don't see the issue. You requested something from your BM, she responded in a way to manage your expectations, ie, she wouldn't be picking it up soon. I don't get how that's rude....

I think your best bet at this point would be to either approach her and ask if everything is ok because you’re concerned your friendship has changed or leave her alone for a bit. If she already paid for the dress, there’s no reason she needs to tell you when she picks it up or how her alterations are going. She’s an adult and can handle those things and will either be ready for your wedding or not.

I'd let her be for a bit - just focus on being a friend to her right now and then after she's done with finals and graduated from college, you can check in with her to ask if something is up. I think her response to you about alterations was perfectly fine, but if she's making digs about your FH and how she has higher hopes than "settling" for a teacher like you did, then that's really concerning for your friendship.

View Quoted Comment I feel this. I dont think you're being ridiculous. I also have a friend who tends to seem jealous at every single positive thing ever going on in my life OR NEGATIVE. I was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and suddenly she thought she had cancer too (as if they something to be jealous about??).... So I totally understand how you feel she's acting jealous.

I don't understand - what's wrong with her taking it somewhere else for alterations? I think because of the tension in your relationship, you are reading negativity into something that isn't necessarily negative.

Her attitude is dragging you down and your presence seems to invoke some feelings of inadequacy in her, plus she's got a lot going on - it sounds like it would be best for both of you if you just give her some space for a while.

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Oh! Then I'm not sure what her issue is. It *sounds* as though you've been a great friend listening to her issues and not focusing just on your wedding. Jealously can be tough when your life seems "perfect" to hers but she also needs to suck it up and be a good friend for you. Your wedding is still months away and maybe give her some space while she figures her issues out (if she doesn't pick up/alter her dress in time, she just won't be in your wedding. Annoying but not worth losing the happy focus on your wedding).

Your BM sounds depressed. She told you what's wrong, she doesn't have a fiance or job. She's about to graduate college. Her life is probably not what she thought it would be at this point. She might be scared. Her friend (you) is getting married and moving on with life, and she may be feeling left behind and abandoned...

None of this is your fault, and I'm not sure what you might do about it, if anything. You might just want to offer the choice of letting her drop out of being a BM and attending as a guest. Or, you might suggest some things she could be included in up the road after your married to let her know she'll still be included in your life. She's going through a big change in life with graduating, by herself, and you might just need to be patient with her.

It sounds like your issues are more about your friendship than about how she is as a bridesmaid. I do agree that you're being more sensitive to the text because of everything else going on with her.

Give her time to get through the end of this year then have lunch or have her over for wine and just talk about how you want to help her as a friend - leave your wedding out of it as much as you can (since it sounds like she brings it up). She is struggling and its not fair that she's taking it out on you but it doesn't sound like it's stuff you're thinking is worth ending the friendship over.

Maybe you don't know everything going on in her life just because she may not want to dampen your spirits with her struggles.

Definitely don't kick her out. That would be friendship ending and it doesn't sound like that's what you want - you just want her to not take her frustrations out on you, which is fair ut you cannot make her change how she is resonding while she is under stress.

I agree with the others who are stating that what your friend is going through and how she is reacting is a friendship issue and not a wedding/bridesmaid issue. It may be that your wedding is making her own issues feel worse than they would if she wasn't in your wedding, but I don't think they are the root cause of her issues, if that makes sense.

I echo the idea of trying to sit down and talk with her. I don't think it would be out of line for you to express to her that you are frustrated that every time you try to help her, you feel like she's not accepting of what you're saying, as long as you say it nicely.

If she keeps saying that you don't understand her problems, maybe ask her if she'd rather have you just be a listening ear. I know sometimes when I'm upset or frustrated, I don't want advice, I just need to unload my feelings and work through them and sometimes talking them out helps me.

Maybe try talking to her about what she can do to make herself feel better about the things she's upset about, or what can the two of you do together that will make her feel better, or how can you help her start to feel better about whatever's going on? Girls day, movie day, something to take her mind off of everything. I can completely understand getting frustrated that you're trying to help and it feels like she is basically shutting you down, so I think it may be time to see in what other ways can you be helping your friend. I wouldn't bring up anything about kicking her out of the wedding - that's a friendship ending move and it sounds like she still needs you even if it seems like she's pushing you away.

I also agree with others that the text she sent is not out of line at all and that you're probably more sensitive to it because of everything else going on. I would try to separate these two things as best as you can. Good luck!