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Dedicated October 2020

How should i handle my Fmil?

Emily, on February 13, 2020 at 10:13 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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I am looking for some advice. My wedding isn't until October and I am already having problems with my FMIL. A little back story, she's a very controlling person and overbearing. She did everything for my FH growing up to where when I met him he didn't even know that he could do his own laundry or cut on a stove because she always did it for him. I've helped him a lot with his confidence and he's starting to step out into his own but she hates me for that. So I knew going into this and that trying to plan a wedding around her was going to be extremely difficult. But, she's since taken over my guest list inviting people who my FH and I have never met and when I tell her that we don't have room in our venue for them and we don't even know them she goes off the deep end saying that too bad they have already been invited (I haven't sent out invitations yet). If we don't invite them when we do sent out invitations (she's already booked rooms for them!) then she'll probably be super spiteful and just not show up to our wedding at all which would really hurt my FH. She's not paying for the wedding in anyway. I am fronting all the costs. FH and I wanted a very small wedding with just our close families and maybe 3 friends. We don't have any bridesmaids or groomsmen and now it's turned into this giant thing because she keeps telling people about it!! I've gone to her multiple times asking her to stop inviting people. We don't have room or the money to serve these extra people that we don't want and she just won't. I've gone to her telling her that she's not respecting either of our wishes and that doesn't phase her either because she pulls out the well, it's my family and they are coming anyways. I feel like the wedding has turned into a "look what I can do" party for her. And she's not even planning it or paying for it. I made the mistake of telling her our theme of a haunted magical garden and now she's been making fun of me for having it in October with potion bottles claiming she's going to show up in witch costume! We aren't even getting married on Halloween...I don't know what to do to stop this train wreck!

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Latest activity by Pam, on February 13, 2020 at 1:46 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on February 13, 2020 at 10:19 AM
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It sounds like your FH needs to speak to her. She clearly doesn't respect you enough to care about your wishes, but maybe she will listen to her prized baby boy.
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Expert May 2021
Rachael · on February 13, 2020 at 10:24 AM
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I'm getting stressed out just reading your situation I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I think the best thing you can do is both of you talk to her and say what you're doing and who you're inviting and that's it. you can apologize if she's not okay with that but it's your wedding and you guys can't really afford nor do you want to do something with a bunch of people you're not close with. at this point it's either you're going to be miserable at a wedding you don't want or you're just going to have to damage an already bad relationship with her and hope she'll come to her senses
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on February 13, 2020 at 10:32 AM
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I agree with PP, your FH needs to sit down and talk with her because she obviously does not respect you or care about your wishes. It sounds like she is still holding onto a lot of resentment toward you, and is making it known by ruining your wedding. FH needs to put his foot down with her. He needs to make it very clear exactly what the plans for your wedding are (including exactly who is invited), and that she needs to respect that- and not doing so is directly disrespecting him and showing a complete disregard for his happiness. If she chooses to throw a fit and not show up, then that is on her.
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on February 13, 2020 at 10:33 AM
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So sorry you are going through this- it’s absolutely horrible! I feel helpless just reading this
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Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on February 13, 2020 at 11:30 AM
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It sounds like she’s trying to sabotage your relationship and your wedding. She’s trying to push you into saying or doing something disrespectful that will leave a bad impression on your FH. These are just words. Let them roll off her tongue and onto deaf ears. She knows she can get to you by saying and doing mean things. Don’t let it. If she says something mean don’t respond, if she makes plans for your wedding disregard them and go on with yours. Silence is golden and so is indifference. If she learns she can’t push your buttons then what can she really do. I’d have a sit down with my FH and tell him that her behavior is unacceptable and you refuse to disrespect or engage in any negativity with your FMIL, so he has to me a man and speak with her. She doesn’t want to listen to you and doesn’t want to listen to reason so ignore it. Be as respectful and cordial to her as you can be but do not provide her with any further details of your wedding. If she asks tell her it’s already been taken care of don’t worry about it. As far as people being invited they can only come once they have been given an invitation. She may not follow etiquette but they will. Reach out to whomever you can and let them know you are very sorry but due to circumstance you are having immediate family only and you regretfully cannot invite them. I’m sure she has them on Facebook or your FH can get in contact with them. Do Not let her ruin your wedding. If you have to go as far as telling her you’re switching venues and not telling her the actual location until the day of or day before then so be it. If she is doing this now I can only imagine what she’s going to do on your actual day. Honestly if it was me, I would rescind her invitation until she showed me she respects me and my relationship. We shouldn’t tolerate being mistreated by anyone. Not even parents.
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VIP October 2020
Taylor · on February 13, 2020 at 11:50 AM
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I would literally tell her no and let her make the choice in how she wants to handle it.
1. Respect you and her son's wishes and attend the wedding y'all want to have.
OR
2. Miss out on the most important day of her sons live.
Let her make that choice. There's no room or energy for her to act a fool. If she wants to miss it, let her miss it.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on February 13, 2020 at 12:07 PM
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Stop discussing it with her. See her less. Let your fiancé deal with her.
Have the wedding you want. Hire security for the door to make sure that the people who come in are the people you invited.
Either set hard boundaries around his mother now or be prepared to fight and lose this battle for the rest of your married life. If your fiancé can't stand up to his mother, postpone the wedding while you have eight months of couple's counseling to see if he can conquer the fear with which she rules him and start a new life with you. If not, don't marry him. A marriage controlled by Mom is permanent hell.
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Master June 2017
Mrs. Coakley · on February 13, 2020 at 12:26 PM
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My MIL tried stuff like this on us when we were planning our wedding. You need to shut it down. Both you and your fiancé. This will be good prep for later on in life as well.

“FMIL, you are not contributing financially to our wedding and will not have any sag in the guest list. Guests who are not on OUR list that WE create will be escorted out. If you cannot respect our decision, your presence at the wedding is optional”
For real. You need to put your foot down or she’s going to keep thinking she can walk all over you.
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January 2014
Pam · on February 13, 2020 at 1:46 PM
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No more information at all for her, except to tell her the venue fell through and you're having to look for another one (not really; keep your venue! This is so she'll let her invitees know of another place).
Does FH have another relative who IS invited who can pick her up on the day and bring her? She doesn't need to know where it is then.
If she's invited others, when they arrive to the wrong place, that's on her.
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How should i handle my Fmil?

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