How much say does the bride get in her bridesmaids appearance?

To me, I think it stops with things they can easily put on and off. Dress, shoes and accessories are okay as long as each person’s budget is kept in mind. If you’re dictating hairstyle and makeup/nails, you should be paying. No one should dictate a tan, extensions (hair or eyelash), hair color, weight, etc.

The general consensus I have seen is that if you are requiring (not asking) for something past just the dress that you should also cover the expense. For example, if you said wear any white shoes that is on them but if you said "buy these shoes" then you should pay for them. Hope that helps!

I don’t think there is any sort of hard and fast rule about this. I think common courtesy is always the best policy. So, it would be gracious of you to allow your bridesmaids to choose the style of dress they wear, so that it fits their body type and they feel comfortable and confident in it. It is also a good idea to speak to your bridesmaids about what they feel comfortable spending on a dress, and sticking within that budget.
It is also a general rule that if you require BMs to have hair and/or make up professionally done, then you pay for those services.

Dress for sure. IMO you can have a say in accessories, but then you should provide them as a gift...so if you want everyone to wear gold earrings, gift them some gold earrings. I think it'd be a bit rude/bridezilla-y to make them buy accessories just for the wedding. It's common to request a specific shoe color, but not necessarily a specific shoe....just because hoes are so personal.

I'm of the mind that you have a specific makeup and hair style you want, but then you should also pay for it (if it requires professional). I don't think you can mandate a specific hair color, since hair dying is often damaging - so you can't force someone to do something damaging to their hair for your wedding.

Completely inappropriate to ask bridesmaids to lose weight or make any changes to their body, IMO, including spray tanning. You have to accept your bridesmaids for who they are...superficial changes like makeup are one thing, but wanting them to change their size or skin color is another.

What I did was send a photo to my ladies of the look I was going for, which is natural and fresh! I let them voice their opinions and suggestions and went from there! All I picked was the dress color & company I wanted it bought from. I also sent this to them to get feedback, and they all agreed that they liked the company, and that it worked for everyone's budget. I just told them for shoes that they can wear any type, as long as it's not tennis shoes or flip flops or crocs lol, and it's a neutral color.

They decide what kind of hair style they want, and makeup. They can also wear whatever jewelry they want, as long as it's tasteful. They're welcome to get spray tans if they want, but it's not necessary!

I think each friend group is different, and you know how your group works best. Some brides are more concerned about aesthetics, and I think as long as they run things by their party and don't demand things, it works out! The problem occurs when you try and tell someone they have to lose weight, or drastically change their appearance. I wouldn't make my friends do this, but if one of them came up to me and said they plan on having bright blue hair before/on my wedding, I'd just politely ask if they minded waiting until after the wedding to do so. If they say 'no', then I have to deal with it and just move on from it. There's always a nicer way to go about things that is more respectful, than demanding/dictating.

Definitely get a say in the dress but if they have to pay for it, it's nice to give them some options. If you want them all the same, I'd probably give them a few options in the color and see what everyone likes best. Or just give them a color and let them pick. I think specifying "gold jewelry is fine" or "I'd prefer no super dangly earrings" (or something along those lines) but I dont' wear a lot of jewelry, i'm allergic to lots and it's uncomfortable so I dont' like the idea of telling girls what they HAVE to wear in that sense. Same with shoes. If dresses are long you won't even see them so matching shoes is silly to me. The same things are not comfy for everyone.

I don't think you get a say in hair at all, and the most I would say about makeup is something like "I'd really prefer no super bold lip colors" but then just leave it at that and not micromanage anyone. You want them to look like them.

I think for the appearance on the day, we should remember it is the bride's day not the bridesmaids day, and that the bride could have a specific vision in mind. I think if the bride is paying, it is totally fair for her to dictate hair, makeup, shoes, nails and jewelry. This may be more controversial, but I think it is okay for a bride to dictate spray tans for her bridesmaids or for the bride to dictate that they don't get spray tans.

I personally have dyed my hair on the request of a bride, but I think it is fair for a bridesmaid to refuse.

I still think though that we need to keep in mind it is the bride's day, it doesn't matter if the bridesmaid doesn't like this shoes or this dress, or this pair of earrings or how her makeup is done. It isn't her day and she should suck it up.

Dress is obvious. I gave them a color suggestion for shoes and I'm buying their accessories. I also gave them suggestions for hair/makeup styles but I'm not requiring them to have it done by the artist I hired. A few of them are doing their own. I don't care if they get spray tans - I personally am not because I'm already pretty tan.

I think if you pay for it, nail color, shoe color, hair style, makeup is all really on the table. I don't think it's ever appropriate to require your BMs to get a tan/spray tan or to get hair extensions. I also don't think you can ask a BM to dye or not dye her hair. I also think that is a bridesmaid gracefully pushes back on a request, you should hear her out and try to accomodate her feelings. If she doesn't want to wear your color, too bad, but if she feels insecure in strapless dresses, just let her add straps.


The big thing to remember is that these are people, not props. So buying them black shoes, go for it. Making them change their skin or hair color? No.

View Quoted Comment If I were required to get a spray tan, I would drop out of the wedding. Its the brides day, but she doesn't get to treat her closest frienda and family like photo prop mannequins.


Side note, nobody is noticing the bridesmaids' shoe color or earrings but the bride. The vision is truly in our heads. We know that nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do

View Quoted Comment Elizabeth - I agree with you 1000%. I would never get a spray tan for a wedding. I’m pale AF and am unable to tan. That’s just the way I am. Take it or leave it. A spray tan would look weird/orange on me and I would no longer look like....me. My skin is also extremely sensitive and I break into hives very easily. I also agree that no one is really going to notice these small details except the bride. Not worth making your friends mad or putting them in a situation that could trigger a bad skin reaction (same goes for hair color).

View Quoted Comment I agree with this!

Dress Style, dress color, shoe color, jewelry color, and how you want their make-up and hair, are all things you can decide. Just keep in mind everyone's attire budget. Some maybe ok buying the same $30 dollar shoes, but when it gets into $100+ cowboy boots, that's quite excessive. If you are going full length dresses, no one will even look at the shoes. If you want MU and Hair done by a professional, you should pay for it. If you know your party can do their make-up and hair the way you want, give them the option for professional services, in which they should pay.

Also, if you have chosen a specific style of dress, and you have someone uncomfortable, please don't think to tell them to suck it up. The uncomfortableness will come across in person and on her face. Plus, why would you want to purposefully make your friends feel uncomfortable?

You cannot dictate hair color or tattoos. There is some grace in there if the tattoo is offensive or vulgar (IMO). Never ask someone to change their bodies.

Anything you buy for your party that you are requiring them to wear (jewelry, make-up, getting ready clothes, etc) are not "gift" for your party since they come with an obligation, and you didn't purchase them with their personalities and interests in mind. They are gifts for you.

Things like shoes, dress, jewelry, hairstyle, make up, etc are normal things i've been seeing on WW for what styles brides as their bridesmaids to do like what PPs here have said. but when you go beyond the outside and you ask for stuff like for them to lose weight, dye their hair, etc that goes beyond territory because that asks for actual change. and the idea isn't for them to change for your day ya know?

View Quoted Comment

This, 100%.

I do think that a good rule of thumb is that you should pay for something that you are requiring.

I feel as what is fair to ask will vary from person to person or bridal party to bridal party, and you know your bridal party better than I do. Some bridesmaids will be fine pretty much letting the bride dictate how she will look. I've been asked to get spray tans and cover-up my tattoos, and I've been happy to do so. If a bride asked me to dye my hair, I'll consider it.

I think though that if a bridesmaid is uncomfortable with one of your requests, you really should let it go, and not create a fuss. No point insisting something for the sake of it.

Things you can dictate without any additional caveats: dress, basic shoe style and color. I think it is reasonable to request that bridesmaids don't wear neon pink flip flops, for example, or to ask they all wear black shoes, without you being required to pay for them.

Things you can dictate with caveats: specific shoes, such as if you want everyone to wear the same shoe, a specific style like "everyone wear heels", or a color that isn't basic black or nude, if you pay for them; accessories like jewelry, if you pay for them; make-up, hair, and nail color, if you pay for them; covering tattoos (READ BEFORE YOU JUMP ON ME) if and only if they are pretty universally offensive or the environment dictates it, such as if your MOH has "F$CK YOU" tattooed on her neck, or a bridesmaid has a jail-yard swastika inked into her arm (yes, I've seen this), or if you are getting married in a place of worship/sacred space where the clergy has requested tattoos of attendants be covered.

Things it would be rude of you to dictate, period: hair color, hair cut, hair extensions, spray tans, fake nails, teeth whitening, any permanent or semi-permanent cosmetic procedures, that they don't get pregnant, that they lose or gain weight, or that they cover tattoos without a legitimate reason as listed above.

I get spray tans regularly, and yet I would absolutely never tolerate a friend telling me I had to get a spray tan for her wedding. You want me to act like a model going for a gig? Then I'll dig my old modeling contract back out and you can pay me as such.

Brides who want to dictate every part of their bridesmaids' appearance and treat them like Barbies should just hire models for the day and be done with it. Then they can pick women who look exactly the way they want.

View Quoted Comment This! I think it's important to keep in mind that these women are your nearest and dearest. You should want them to look and feel their best.


Like others have said, any request that dictates that the way they are isn't good enough for your wedding (requesting spray tans, covering tattoos, taking out piercings, dying their hair, losing weight, etc) should be big giant no-no's.

In my opinion, I think the best way to go about it is if you have a certain look for them, or a certain dress that you’d like, then I think you should pay for that as well. If you just want them to pick out their own dresses, then they can certainly paint themselves I think knowing your bridesmaids is the biggest part of it. Do you think some of your bridesmaids would get very offended by you picking out their dresses? I personally don’t care what my bridesmaids wear. I haven’t even seen their dresses yet. I initially told them all black bridesmaids dresses, but I eventually just told them any bridesmaids dresses they want. I’m paying for their dresses because I feel like it’s my wedding and it’s definitely a personal thing. They all know how to dress well and I’m so not worried about it at this point. The focus will be on me and my fiancé so it’s all good.

View Quoted Comment “ if your MOH has "F$CK YOU" tattooed on her neck, or a bridesmaid has a jail-yard swastika inked into her arm (yes, I've seen this”. LOL YES! 100% agree that would be something okay to dictate... although I probably wouldn’t have friends like that anyhow 😂