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Devoted September 2012

How do you remain or become financially independent married woman?

The Sealpups, on May 21, 2020 at 10:13 PM Posted in Married Life 0 23
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I had a job while I was dating my husband for years. I decided to go back to school. He wanted to get married. I got accepted and got a WONDERFUL opportunity to get my masters degree. It would take 18 months full time. I know this was the only time I could do it and I was dreaming of the career change! It would be wonderful for our family in the future. Also, I raise my glass to moms going back to school bc I know I personally couldn’t do it, which is why I went back to grad school. At that time, he wasn’t as supportive as I wanted him to be. Half the time, he was impatient and just wanted us to get married because he “waited a long time”. I finally graduated, we got married, and all the whining he did seemed like it was nothing. Now the job search has been tough, especially with covid. My husband is the stereotypical female- emotional, says things he doesn’t mean, and easily moves on after kind of getting what he wants. I feel like he resents me for not getting my job yet. He wants a baby NOW but I don’t feel secure myself bc I don’t have a job. He’s not able to support both of us and is upset about it yet would always tell me he’ll take care of me. He’s so contradictory. So everything is my fault bc I don’t want to have a baby yet bc of my job and I’m horrible bc I’m not hired yet.


Anyhoo- one thing hit me on a trip 2 years ago. His aunt (in his 40s) has 3 kids. She told me that women always need to be financially independent even WHILE married. She was so close to leaving her husband and said always be prepared and have money for yourself bc you never know what can happen. My mom and grandmother have done this too. Apparently, they stash things away And keep money for themselves. My husband said something that made me feel resentful saying how he pays for everything. I honestly don’t even ask for much. I don’t even really eat. Now, I feel like I can’t accept anything from him anymore. I’m sure things will be fine once I start working again but I will never forget how I FELT when he said that. My mom was right, “never depend on a man for money bc men keep track. If women were in relationships, they show their appreciate in other ways and are just grateful. They don’t keep track.” I think from now on, I want to do anything and everything I can to not depend on him for anything. Any advice?

23 Comments

Latest activity by Courtney, on May 28, 2020 at 11:21 PM
  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
    • Flag
    Yikes. I'm sorry you are going through this. He should, under no circumstances, be making you feel this way. I made the tough decision to quit my full time job and go back to school for my doctorate. It's a 5 year program, and the only work I do is adjunct teach because that is how the university funds my position. My husband covers all of our living expenses, and this has been the case for 2 years now. He has absolutely never made me feel less than and has been supportive of my dreams. A marriage is a partnership. There shouldn't be any "keeping score." That's financial abuse. Not all men are like this, but clearly there's enough of them out there. I strongly suggest you seek out counseling, both individual and couples, because it sounds like he has some underlying resentment for "taking care of you" and has made you feel pretty crummy about yourself. Once you do get a job, it sounds like it may be a good idea to try and sock some money away in case you have to leave. I am so so sorry you are going through this. He has absolutely NO right to make you feel this way.
    • Reply
  • W
    Expert September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    I am sorry. I would not have a baby with him. I'd leave. I don't say this lightly.


    He is unsupportive. He wants everything his way. He makes you feel bad. He wants to feel like a manly provider, but he also wants you to contribute financially. He wants a baby you can't afford. He wants a baby, but how are you supposed to find a job, during a pandemic, while pregnant? Basically he wants it both ways.
    He sounds toxic.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. S
    Super November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I agree with Hannah on everything. In general I think it’s important even if you have a joint account that you have your own account too. My husband and I keep our own paychecks in our own accounts. We each have bills we take care of and our own spending money. If we want to split an expense I write him a check. We’re considering getting a joint savings account for future goals but we will always have our own accounts too. It does happen to some women that they are completely financially dependent on their husband and feel trapped or financially abused. Also i think it’s good that people can just buy something for themselves sometimes or buy their spouse a gift and not constantly be monitored or controlled. If you don’t feel comfortable having a baby until you get a job, I think that is more than reasonable. It’s very hard to get a job right now with everything shut down. Tell him you’ll be happy to have a baby when you feel financially stable. If he already feels like he’s paying too much and doesn’t want to support you, having a baby will only make it more extreme.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Rockstar August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    I'm just going to join the chorus, here.

    Yikes.

    His behavior is unacceptable, and you should absolutely reach out for couple's counseling. It sounds like he resents your success in education, while also being unwilling to advance himself? (I could totally be reading this wrong.)

    DH and I have separate accounts, but are thinking of creating a joint one to manage bills through. We discuss all major purchases and split most bills. (Recently, I've made more than him, so I took on some more of the financial burden.) But he never makes me feel bad about what I earn or how, and he's actively pursuing opportunities to advance his career(s).

    Don't even think about having a baby until you resolve this. Especially because it's *your* body on the line.

    • Reply
  • Sasha
    Dedicated September 2021
    Sasha ·
    • Flag
    Sorry to hear this! Chiming in on the yikes point as well! All valid comments raised above. I would also hold off on a baby as well until you’ve successfully resolved all your issues and no longer feel resentment. And I echo having your own account and a joint pooled checking and savings account. Even if he’s the one paying for everything while you are currently out of work, you should still encourage him to transfer what should be money for joint bills into the shared account, just to build a habit for using the joint account in the future. As long as our shared bills get paid and our joint savings goals are on track, I and my husband can spend the rest of our money how we choose no questions asked. We know each other has separate accounts so it’s not a secret, but we do have some privacy. Ultimately, we also know the big picture of what’s in the accounts when we file joint taxes and send out applications for real estate and other financial ventures but keep the day to day private. I would never allow a man to make me give up my independence, education and career opportunities, especially when he can’t afford to financially support the family. Even if he was a billionaire, I’d still want to earn my own money and look for opportunities to educate myself. I think you need to think critically about what you want your life to look like in the next year, two, five and ten and ask yourself is how your husband currently treating you and behaving going to make you happy in the future. If the answer is no, have a serious talk with him and express how you feel and based on his answers decide your next move. Maybe he needs you to put your foot down to stop being immature and selfish. There are times my husband wants to flex his alpha male muscles and I remind him if he wanted a woman he could control perhaps he shouldn’t have married a lawyer!
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    I would get you both to a counselor pronto. His control games need to stop here. Do NOT have a baby right now. This guy needs to work on his relationship skills first.
    • Reply
  • L
    Super October 2020
    Leslie ·
    • Flag

    I’m sorry to agree with others. The man doesn’t seemed very supportive. Do not have a baby until you know you can work together as equal partners. My exhusband and I had Monthly budget meetings. Sort of how we’re doing financially - projects for house, etc. We each had own checking account and also one joint account bills got paid. A man that’s like your guy will want any money you make too but make all decisions to spend without checking with you.

    • Reply
  • Nefetera
    VIP March 2015
    Nefetera ·
    • Flag
    To me it seem like a bit of manipulation...bc of you current situation. However me personally Iam independent myself and i was raised how you were raised regaurds to never depend on a man, get your own and always stand on your own so if a man come or go iam good. It's. Just who Iam period. When i first got married my husband felt less of a man bc How independent Iam and not depending on a marriage to bring me up for a financial exscape go. I feel even if your married there should be some sort of balance of knowing you both supposed to look out for eachother and have eachothers back but however being able to hold your own down is ok its not a crime. Ppl may see it as "oh wow how you married and have your own savings without your husband knowing "...well you know your still an indidivaul who knows what they want and capable of having your own .i personally dont see anything wrong with being independent and having your own. Now as far as kids that's something and a decison that cant be foreced upon noone bc then it wont work period. It has to be both of you guys willing to have this child. I totally understand...where you coming from. You and your husband to me it seems as if its a little stress due to the situation hopefully you guys can eventually talk or go seek counseling (Maybe?) and you will find a job/ career soon. You have a MASTERS degree and you can't go wrong. Im in my last semester in getting my MASTER degree and thats part of the reason why im up lol due to anxiety from my paper lol but i do wish you so much luck and keep pushing forward. TakeCare now ❤
    • Reply
  • Jai Butcher
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai Butcher ·
    • Flag
    You sound so stressed and even a little unhappy! I agree with the Aunt. My mom always told me to have my own stash of money set aside in case something happened and I do. My savings account is in my name , as well as my checking. Only thing we share is a joint savings account. And that's for major purchases like a house, trying for a baby, etc. Always keep some for yourself because God Forbid things end badly, you need to be able to have a plan B and get out. I'm in a Masters Program for social work &I get a lot of support from my hubby. I work fulltime too though. Personally I'd get some independence, maybe get a small job and suggest couples therapy sp you guys can see eye to eye, because if you keep noticing red flags then I'd suggest protecting yourself
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I'm not the first one to say this, but YIKES. That's awful and entirely not okay. I also agree with the suggestion to go to couples counseling - the lack of support and childish behavior both have to stop or it'll just get worse.

    However, I will say that we only have a joint account and neither of us ask permission to buy things, feel like we can't spend our money, etc. We just buy and then communicate "hey, I bought this really cool thing, want to see it?" It's never been an issue for us, but our spending habits are incredibly similar so we don't ever bump heads about things like that (at least not yet!). I don't think it would work if we didn't have the same views on money and spending, so I can definitely see how we're the exception to the rule in this case. Maybe money can be a topic of discussion with a couples counselor?

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    Hmm. So I do agree with your aunt that a woman should be able to be financially dependent BUT the way your husband is acting is a tad ridiculous. We are somewhat in a similar boat currently, my husband is working while I stay home because we were supposed to have moved states before COVID hit. I had quit my job right before our move date so now I have no job! Anyway, I am working on a masters so it isn't like I am just bumming it out for a few months. So right now, he pays the household bills, I still pay for my car, insurance and help with food. He is supportive but I am pretty sure he doesn't want me to get used to the stay at home life. After all, what would be the point of all my hard work?!


    So back to your aunt making her comment. I do belive that women should be financially stable on their own OR have the ability to seek work in the event of divorce, illness or death. As a young woman, I saw so much crap happen that made me realize life can hit us all at any point. If my spouse gets ill, I need to support the home. If I become a widow, It is on me. If I divorce and we have children. I need to be able to provide. May seem like a sad outlook on life but this is reality for so many people! So while your husband needs to be a little more understanding right now, I think you should have a deep conversation because something seems off. Is he struggling to pay the household bills on his own? Is he upset that you are struggling to find work? Is he exhausted due to a change in the workplace? It could be more than just you not having a job right now. People tend to toss their anger towards the people they love the most. I would force the conversation because resenting you during a pandemic is not the answer.
    • Reply
  • Leanne
    Rockstar September 2020
    Leanne ·
    • Flag
    Girl, I have to agree with the other ladies here, do not have a baby with that man. Coming from experience he sounds emotionally and financially and manipulative/abusive.


    He should support you and your dreams, and how they fit together as a family unit maybe in the future. But right now it sounds like he’s trying to keep you financially dependent on him, and having a baby would only do that even more.
    I speak from experience that therapy one on one just for yourself is a great thing. It’s hard to navigate toxic relationships by yourself. No one can tell you what to do until you’re ready to do it, but my opinion is that he’s not good for you long-term. We are here for you I hope you find some peace soon
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    “Men keep track.” No, they don’t all keep track. My husband and I have been together since my 7 year old was 1. A year into our relationship we moved in together and decided the best decision for us was for me to be a stay at home mom (childcare was 90% of my take home pay and I was so unhappy at my job). We’ve been a single income family for 5 years and he has never once brought up anything that’s been bought/paid for as something he did for me. It sounds like your husband wants to have his cake (you working and bringing in money) and eat it too (you being pregnant and having a baby which can potentially slow your career down). I would seek counseling and definitely don’t have a baby with him right now.
    • Reply
  • M
    Super January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    Everything you describe about your husband's behavior is concerning and I want to echo everyone else who suggests marriage counseling *and* to hold off on having children until these issues are resolved.

    But I also see a lot of odd gender stereotyping in your post that is confusing to me. You say, "My husband is the stereotypical female- emotional, says things he doesn’t mean, and easily moves on after kind of getting what he wants." There aren't any set in stone male vs. female traits or communications styles and I don't think this way of viewing your husband is helping either of you. Each partner should treat the other with respect and good communication comes from both sides.

    It's definitely important for both partners to maintain an appropriate amount of independence (financial and otherwise), though who is the "breadwinner" can fluctuate throughout a marriage, and that is absolutely fine. If neither of you is currently working enough to support the household, that sounds very stressful. I sincerely hope you two can learn to work together toward your goals.

    • Reply
  • M
    Super January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Yeah, I agree that is such an odd "rule". That men keep track but women don't. Some people do, some don't. This has nothing to do with gender. Some people view marriage as a partnership; some as a competition (apparently).

    • Reply
  • Kellie Martinez
    Super October 2019
    Kellie Martinez ·
    • Flag

    I know men like this; my dad was one of them. The idea of all of this is why I was so scared to get married. I didn't want to when I was a child and teenager. I knew I wanted to get married after my husband and I moved in together, four years into our relationship. I made more money than he did for a long time; we were broke and not even 20 yet and I supported him so he could go back to school while I continued to attend a few classes a semester. We are 23 now and starting last year, he is making... a lot more than I do.. lol. You would never know though. He always says "our money" and if I don't agree on a big expense he never reminds me that he's making most of our money. These things do happen in some marriages, including my parents when I was a child, but they don't happen in healthy, happy marriages. Don't think I am saying there is no hope or your husband is a bad guy; these are things that can be worked on. In fact, my parents celebrated their 25 year wedding anniversary last year and are so happy. They separated and did a loooot of counseling six years ago and my dad is such a different person than the man I knew as a child that it's hard for me to even believe sometimes.

    I just in general don't want anyone to think that when they're in your situation, they did something wrong. You described that you were taught to plan for this kind of a thing and that makes me sad. I work FT and I am very dedicated to finishing school and having a career, eventually raising children, etc.. but I trust my husband. If something happens to him I know I would obviously like to know that I can support myself and our future children but I am not planning on having to leave him. I just don't believe secretly saving money is the right thing to do.

    • Reply
  • Mindy
    Super November 2020
    Mindy ·
    • Flag

    Girl that’s terrible. I can relate to the snarky comments a little.

    We had a sit down and went through our finances together so he could see just how many of the bills I pay with my teacher salary. When he saw that I only had $100 left at the end of the month, he stopped making comments about us spending only his money on dining out and fun activities. Keep in mind he has almost 2k left from his monthly paychecks. He also told me that he wants me in charge of our finances because I’m so good at budgeting.
    Money is one of the most common fights in relationships. I hope you guys can talk it out and come up with some kind of plan.
    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
    • Flag

    LADIES!

    I appreciate all your feedback and insights from the bottom of my heart! I have read all your responses twice and will take everything you've said into consideration.

    If anything positive has come from this, it's reminded me who I am. I went to grad school for a reason. I grew up with my mom being the breadwinner. She took herself out of a poor life growing up, went to school, got her degree, and does amazing things at her job (she's an essential worker, front liner). I wanted to do the same for myself - be educated, have a career, and have a steady income so I don't have to be dependent on anyone else. I know deep down my husband does appreciate it and love it and has told me how proud he is but it's so hard to see that when we have arguments and the things I remember from that journey is his rush to have kids and a house. I don't think he has the empathetic capacity to see it from my POV. I try not to be mad at myself that it's taken long for me to go to school and accomplish what I have. Lucky for him, he still works full time (despite people being laid off) and all he has to do is insert whatever to make me pregnant. We were together for years before we got married. I lived at home and paid for most of my things. The only thing he really paid for was when we would go out to eat and some of our trips.

    I am civil with him now but all i really want to do is just take extra care of myself and just only think about myself. He does a horrible job of articulating his feelings and says childish things like, "you never want to move out! You never want to have babies! It's going to take 7 years again!" which is not true. How do you think it makes me feel (Ms. type A) to keep applying, going to networking, having resumes revised and tailored constantly, being rejected, having zoom and coffee meetings over and over? And yet nothing? It's depressing and frustrating. I help out when I can with anything. He likes to think back on our past and how he's waited blah blah blah.... my problem with him is his flip flopping. One minute, i show him an ad for a house and he said, "yes, i can afford that for us but we can't go out to eat like we do" to "i pay for everything! ahhhh... i can't do it alone! ahhhhhh". Or my favorite, "yes honey, I understand why you want to wait to have a job first before having a baby. Like you said, you'll be stable, there will be another form of income, insurance will be better, we can finally afford a house of our own, etc.." then he FLIPS our of frustration with, "what if you don't get your job this year? We're gonna have to wait? You're getting older!" YET (you'll love this), here he is CAR SHOPPING TO TRADE A CAR - A SPORTS CAR FOR HIMSELF because that's a priority right now? It's not in the best shape but it can still run so I understand him wanting to get rid of it but DUDE. The flip flopping has to stop. It's the same argument over and over and it goes nowhere since he obviously FLIPS

    • Reply
  • Serenity
    Dedicated October 2021
    Serenity ·
    • Flag
    Tell him how you feel and how it made you feel so he can know and be aware of the things he say and how it affects you I’m big on that with communicating! It doesn’t have to be a big argument! I’m in grad school now and my wedding is October next year I have a soon to be five year old and I’m pregnant and due in August! I’m not working because of covid and because of school and pregnancy but I believe in all that too and my FH is fully aware of that and how I plan to be secure with myself I told him he should do the same because as much as I hate to say things do happen not just with breaking up but lose of job being hurt in a job or things like covid 🤷🏾‍♀️ There’s nothing wrong with that as women it’s harder, for example like I said I’m pregnant I want to work after my baby but I don’t want to because I rather stay home and take care of my infant until school aged I can’t have both unless I work from home, which I can do with my career!


    If that’s not not the case for you I say follow your heart if kids not in your mind right now because you want your career then so be it don’t let anyone stop you or change your mind because having kids and being a mother is a full time job too! Trust me I know!
    Sorry for the long post lol! As women we tend to lose ourselves in marriages, being a mom, and etc so I think it’s best to have something of our own like degrees and careers! I say go with your move on how you feel, pray about it and communicate y’all are in a marriage after all!
    Peace & positivity to yall❤️❤️
    • Reply
  • Fany
    Devoted October 2021
    Fany ·
    • Flag
    I agree with the advice your loved ones gave you. It's dangerous to 100 percent rely on a man. I recommend you find a job first and then thibk about if you even want to have a kid with this man. He seems to think illogically.
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