How do you remain or become financially independent married woman?

I'm just going to join the chorus, here.

Yikes.

His behavior is unacceptable, and you should absolutely reach out for couple's counseling. It sounds like he resents your success in education, while also being unwilling to advance himself? (I could totally be reading this wrong.)

DH and I have separate accounts, but are thinking of creating a joint one to manage bills through. We discuss all major purchases and split most bills. (Recently, I've made more than him, so I took on some more of the financial burden.) But he never makes me feel bad about what I earn or how, and he's actively pursuing opportunities to advance his career(s).

Don't even think about having a baby until you resolve this. Especially because it's *your* body on the line.

I’m sorry to agree with others. The man doesn’t seemed very supportive. Do not have a baby until you know you can work together as equal partners. My exhusband and I had Monthly budget meetings. Sort of how we’re doing financially - projects for house, etc. We each had own checking account and also one joint account bills got paid. A man that’s like your guy will want any money you make too but make all decisions to spend without checking with you.

I'm not the first one to say this, but YIKES. That's awful and entirely not okay. I also agree with the suggestion to go to couples counseling - the lack of support and childish behavior both have to stop or it'll just get worse.

However, I will say that we only have a joint account and neither of us ask permission to buy things, feel like we can't spend our money, etc. We just buy and then communicate "hey, I bought this really cool thing, want to see it?" It's never been an issue for us, but our spending habits are incredibly similar so we don't ever bump heads about things like that (at least not yet!). I don't think it would work if we didn't have the same views on money and spending, so I can definitely see how we're the exception to the rule in this case. Maybe money can be a topic of discussion with a couples counselor?

Everything you describe about your husband's behavior is concerning and I want to echo everyone else who suggests marriage counseling *and* to hold off on having children until these issues are resolved.

But I also see a lot of odd gender stereotyping in your post that is confusing to me. You say, "My husband is the stereotypical female- emotional, says things he doesn’t mean, and easily moves on after kind of getting what he wants." There aren't any set in stone male vs. female traits or communications styles and I don't think this way of viewing your husband is helping either of you. Each partner should treat the other with respect and good communication comes from both sides.

It's definitely important for both partners to maintain an appropriate amount of independence (financial and otherwise), though who is the "breadwinner" can fluctuate throughout a marriage, and that is absolutely fine. If neither of you is currently working enough to support the household, that sounds very stressful. I sincerely hope you two can learn to work together toward your goals.

Yeah, I agree that is such an odd "rule". That men keep track but women don't. Some people do, some don't. This has nothing to do with gender. Some people view marriage as a partnership; some as a competition (apparently).

I know men like this; my dad was one of them. The idea of all of this is why I was so scared to get married. I didn't want to when I was a child and teenager. I knew I wanted to get married after my husband and I moved in together, four years into our relationship. I made more money than he did for a long time; we were broke and not even 20 yet and I supported him so he could go back to school while I continued to attend a few classes a semester. We are 23 now and starting last year, he is making... a lot more than I do.. lol. You would never know though. He always says "our money" and if I don't agree on a big expense he never reminds me that he's making most of our money. These things do happen in some marriages, including my parents when I was a child, but they don't happen in healthy, happy marriages. Don't think I am saying there is no hope or your husband is a bad guy; these are things that can be worked on. In fact, my parents celebrated their 25 year wedding anniversary last year and are so happy. They separated and did a loooot of counseling six years ago and my dad is such a different person than the man I knew as a child that it's hard for me to even believe sometimes.

I just in general don't want anyone to think that when they're in your situation, they did something wrong. You described that you were taught to plan for this kind of a thing and that makes me sad. I work FT and I am very dedicated to finishing school and having a career, eventually raising children, etc.. but I trust my husband. If something happens to him I know I would obviously like to know that I can support myself and our future children but I am not planning on having to leave him. I just don't believe secretly saving money is the right thing to do.

LADIES!

I appreciate all your feedback and insights from the bottom of my heart! I have read all your responses twice and will take everything you've said into consideration.

If anything positive has come from this, it's reminded me who I am. I went to grad school for a reason. I grew up with my mom being the breadwinner. She took herself out of a poor life growing up, went to school, got her degree, and does amazing things at her job (she's an essential worker, front liner). I wanted to do the same for myself - be educated, have a career, and have a steady income so I don't have to be dependent on anyone else. I know deep down my husband does appreciate it and love it and has told me how proud he is but it's so hard to see that when we have arguments and the things I remember from that journey is his rush to have kids and a house. I don't think he has the empathetic capacity to see it from my POV. I try not to be mad at myself that it's taken long for me to go to school and accomplish what I have. Lucky for him, he still works full time (despite people being laid off) and all he has to do is insert whatever to make me pregnant. We were together for years before we got married. I lived at home and paid for most of my things. The only thing he really paid for was when we would go out to eat and some of our trips.

I am civil with him now but all i really want to do is just take extra care of myself and just only think about myself. He does a horrible job of articulating his feelings and says childish things like, "you never want to move out! You never want to have babies! It's going to take 7 years again!" which is not true. How do you think it makes me feel (Ms. type A) to keep applying, going to networking, having resumes revised and tailored constantly, being rejected, having zoom and coffee meetings over and over? And yet nothing? It's depressing and frustrating. I help out when I can with anything. He likes to think back on our past and how he's waited blah blah blah.... my problem with him is his flip flopping. One minute, i show him an ad for a house and he said, "yes, i can afford that for us but we can't go out to eat like we do" to "i pay for everything! ahhhh... i can't do it alone! ahhhhhh". Or my favorite, "yes honey, I understand why you want to wait to have a job first before having a baby. Like you said, you'll be stable, there will be another form of income, insurance will be better, we can finally afford a house of our own, etc.." then he FLIPS our of frustration with, "what if you don't get your job this year? We're gonna have to wait? You're getting older!" YET (you'll love this), here he is CAR SHOPPING TO TRADE A CAR - A SPORTS CAR FOR HIMSELF because that's a priority right now? It's not in the best shape but it can still run so I understand him wanting to get rid of it but DUDE. The flip flopping has to stop. It's the same argument over and over and it goes nowhere since he obviously FLIPS