How do you feel being called as “the wife”?

That’s weird and quite rude.


It’s never happened to me, they call me by my name. No one has called me “the wife”, yet.
They clearly don’t respect you enough to call you by your name. You’re still an individual, but there’s no use fighting them about it. Has your husband noticed or tried to correct them?

Please speak up and remind them you have a name. My fh and I have owned a business together for 6 years. I still get 'this is J the owner and his wife.' Excuse me? So I understand the frustration very well. What do you usually call the members of his family?

I would let your husband know it bothers you so he can start casually correcting them. I don’t really use the “in law” phrases that much tbh and neither does my husbands family. Eg When they introduce me to someone they will say “this is my brother’s wife, Courtney”. When referring to me they just use my name, which is what I would expect when speaking about literally anyone you know the name of. I see no reason why they would not be using your name and I would also find it disrespectful.

Definitely speak up if it upsets you. I can’t wait to be his wife so I wouldn’t have any issue with that because it seems to be in a nice joking matter but it all depends on how you want to be addressed. I’ve been waiting a long time to be his wife so I would not find it disrespectful or anything

It would bug me too. You are still a person, you still have a name and they should use it. I think it’s okay to correct them next time they say it. “Actually, it’s Samantha.” They’ll get the message. If they don’t you can sit down with them and tell them it bothers you.

If that happened in my family, and it did, with my honey being referred to as my husband , people would smile and nod and think, ah, they have really accepted this man is and always will be J's husband. And because he comes from a big family, in a completely different culture, but alike in this respect, he was very happy about it. In his family, a few of his in-laws and before that FI's are never acknowledged as actually being their family member's wife or husband, sometimes for years. They do not speak against that person. They smile and are civil. Always, Terry and Vinnie. Said like, Terry and you know that guy of the moment we hope will drop out of her life and be replaced, by someone we would be happy to call her husband. 99% of my husband's relatives are on his Dad's side, an opinionated family. To quote my FIL, "They can get the piece of paper, and live together, and she will always be our daughter. But he is not a member of the family, her husband, to us, til we say he is." And those not so judgemental, when they refer to you as a family member's wife or husband, mean it in a positive way, and will tell you so, my family or his. Because recognizing you as their grown child's husband or wife means, we recognize you are a family of your own now. We will always help if asked, but never interfere. We give opinions when asked, but know that decisions are made between husband and wife, now, and we will never interfere, or take sides. And from the time before we were married, when his Mom began to introduce me not as his fiance, but his wife-to-be, she started being my champion ( even standing against her husband, then ). Some one if his 10 Brothers and sisters or their SO or spouse, all living near parents, would offer a negative opinion on our plans, and she would cut them off. Whose wedding is this? It is not yours. It is T and S ( wife-to-be be in Italian) Judith's. They make the decisions here. Or, who asked your opinion? Did you hear T and S ask you? No? When you and your husband make decisions, none if us say no, do we? You do your family, and they do theirs. End of discussion. .....At least 10 variations on the same thing. Some people do objectify, call someone the little woman, wifey, like they would say, ball and chain, or your pet. But depending on your family background, sometimes it is an acknowledgement of their acceptance, their child is now grown with a wife ( a family), and they are proud to say that. Pleased to say that. We accept her this way, and expect you to do so also . And those of It's friends who refer to me as wife, are the most friendly and accepting that I have status, all friends are 2 rung down the ladder.
A couple of my friends have been married for years, are called by name, but have never ever been referred to as son's/ daughter's husband or wife. And that lack of recognition, referred to the same way as when they were first dating, or engaged, but never got let in the family, hurts. 🙂 It is all in how you look at it. If they call you by name to your face, and to your spouse, wait a while. After they have proclaimed you to be son's or daughter's wife to everyone, for a while, it should naturally change to your name or an affectionate name. ( We were married 1.5 years, going from near combatants to acceptance, before my FIL began quite suddenly, to call me his son's wife. He finally realized that though of a different race, religion, ethnicity, speaker of different languages, and a feminist, I was the best thing that ever happened to his son. And told me so. I am now T's wife, or " daughter mine" when he introduces me. How nice, papa . His role. I do not call him by name much. Anymore. ). So, my very different opinion on this.

That is definitely frustrating. The only time I'm introduced as "the wife" is if I'm meeting someone for the first time, but then my father in law or whoever will say something like "and this is my daughter in law, Hannah" or "this is my son's wife, Hannah" more so to just explain how I fit into the family, which I don't mind. I would totally be upset if I was simply referred to as "the wife." My husband will sometimes jokingly refer to me as "the wife" like when he's logging off X-box with his friends saying he's "going to go spend time with the wife" or something like that. I would talk to your husband about this bothering you. I know you said you know his family well, but do you have a good relationship with them? Would they refer to you by name before marriage or were you "the girlfriend"?.

If it bothers you then say something. Instead of letting it fester. As in my case, I don’t mind being called ‘the wife’or ‘his wife’ because technically I would be all those things. It doesn’t bother me.

Huh, that is ... strange.

It's one thing if it's one of the many ways to introduce you, or a fun celebratory joke every so often, or so on... but constantly? Yeah, that'd get under my skin, too.

I'd talk to your husband and express your discomfort. Maybe there's a family thing you haven't picked up on? Also, it's his family, so it's his responsibility to work this out.

I would have hubby casually correct his family and say hey guys here name is XXXX not the wife. She hasn't lost her identity because she married me.

It's so funny because when I met my FH's family in Tobago they said of that's the wife and I smiled but my FH knows the real smile that reaches the eyes or the smile that I do out of phoniness and he corrected them by saying yes this is Nyiesha my future wife and we both happen to love her name. The grandmother said oh she's good she have you trained right and they seem to have accepted me ever since it's funny he now asks me how his family is doing because they call/text me more often than him lol.

I understand not everyone will react the same but if it's bothering you please address it.

If it upsets you I would speak up.
I personally cannot wait to be referred to as his wife. Or my future mils Dil. I will still call them by name but when they meet people I will introduce them as my "mother in law, Frances, sister in law Tiffany, etc."

Really it comes down to what you're comfortable with. Good luck. 💗