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Devoted September 2012

How do you deal with your mom now that you’re married?

The Sealpups, on October 3, 2019 at 7:43 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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My mom is a control freak- always has been. She’s the oldest of brothers and has this entitlement attitude and has to give unsolicited advice. She means well but most of the time, I think it’s from that “I’m oldest, I know best” mentality. Anyhoo, she seems to forget that now that I’m married, I have a new life. She’s still in it but being the way my mom has always been (my sister and) I have not always been the closest to her nor do we disclose anything important. We received monetary gifts for our wedding and every week she keeps asking me if we deposited the checks and who’s account it’s going in. She’s asking how much we’ve gotten total and how/why we should get a joint account. She keeps hounding me with, “so is it all under your husband’s account?” Honestly, it makes me feel so uncomfortable and I don’t want to give her an answer bc it’s really none of her business. I can’t tell her that straight up bc then there’s narcissistic injury and all that. We had our month anniversary and she asked me sister, “they’ve been married a month. What are we all doing?” As if we all had plans vs. my husband & I.

advice? And no, we don’t “talk” or have heart to hearts. It’s not in the culture. I just need phrases to tell her when she’s overstepping. Either way, she’ll be offended bc she’s not getting her way.

I mean- isn’t it kinda intrusive to ask these questions? Like who’s account this is going under?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Av, on November 24, 2019 at 12:27 PM

VIP July 2017
Becky · on October 3, 2019 at 10:30 PM
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Just tell her, up front, that her questions are intrusive and you will not answer them under any circumstance, and change the subject. You may also inquire as to whether she would ask these questions of someone else (not her child). Unfortunately you're probably right, there probably will be hurt feelings - but she needs to know to stop.
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Super April 2020
Anna · on October 4, 2019 at 2:56 AM
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In my culture we dont have heart to heart either. But i do believe in finding ways to tell her without saying it. Be like "well my husband and i are going so and so. I dont know where you're going." I would say it like that cause honestly, if your mom is anything like my mom, she'll find a way to turn anything into an argument. Just a suggestion lol.
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Expert October 2020
Futuremrsm · on October 4, 2019 at 7:20 AM
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I would just tell her that you have your finances under control and its rude to keep asking about them. Your money is not her business
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on October 4, 2019 at 10:29 AM
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Yea that sounds like my mom. I think it's their way of being caring to us but yet they don't realize it's not in a caring tone or doesn't come across that way. I usually just snap at my mom because I react badly but then there's times i just brush it off like DONT WORRY.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on October 4, 2019 at 10:38 AM
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Something straight forward I guess, like "My husband and I have dealt with that". Or "You are overstepping a boundary".
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Master January 2021
Andrea · on October 4, 2019 at 12:56 PM
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I would most likely change the subject, or simply say what Mrs D has suggested : My husband and I have dealt with that." Avoid intrusive topics like that. It really isn't any of her business. I think when you stop replying to her requests and establish healthy boundaries, she'll learn and quickly stop doing these annoying things!!
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VIP August 2013
MAMW · on October 4, 2019 at 1:04 PM
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"We've got it under control, thanks"
"Don't worry, we've got a plan and are handling it."
If she tries to ask you about plans:
"Husband and I have plans. I'm not sure what you're doing tonight but we would love to hear about it tomorrow!" and don't tell her where you're going or what you're doing - the less information the better!
And if she still isn't getting the hint:
"Mom, I have told you that we've got this handled. If you keep asking us questions that aren't your business, I am going to leave/hang up the phone." and then do it.
If you and your husband are planning to have kids, she'll only get worse so nip it now. Don't worry about hurting her feelings because you are trying to establish pretty basic boundaries. That's her problem.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on October 4, 2019 at 11:16 PM
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Since a heart-to-heart isn’t possible, I’d first start with a playful, “Mom, that’s none of your beeswax!” Then change the subject.

Second time, I’d say “Stop. Those personal questions are making me uncomfortable.” If she still doesn’t get it then add a request/consequence such as “when you continue to push me to answer questions, it makes me not want to talk to you. I need you to respect my boundaries or we’ll need to talk less frequently.” Follow through.

It took me therapy and a few years of boundary-setting with my dad (once we didn’t talk for 6 months). He respects my boundaries so much more now.
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Just Said Yes January 2019
K · on October 20, 2019 at 8:19 AM
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We had a ton of boundary issues with fiancés parents. the worst part is fiancé is on a different page than I am with when and how to set them. i’m doing my best to be patient, and i realize lifelong behaviors won’t change overnight. fiancé is willing to work on setting boundaries with them but it really makes him uncomfortable, mostly out of concern for how they will react. they are very invasive and want to know everything and are very anxious to the point of us having to constantly reassure them. they have been emotionally exhausting during this engagement. if they don’t get their way, they will constantly bring something up (almost harassment) until they wear fiancé down and get their way. i can see how this worked before i was around. i don’t put up with it... but he struggles to care more than they do, so he gives in easily. he is a peacemaker, and so am i, but after learning to set boundaries with my own family, it’s easier for me to set them. they are very nice people and they do care for us, but they feel they are right about everything and that their way is the best way. they feel they can control us and they get a lot of emotional gratification if we do what they want. it’s very unhealthy and fiancé knows that. i’m worried if we don’t take control now, having kids will only make things worse.
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Just Said Yes October 2020
Av · on November 24, 2019 at 12:27 PM
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Oh, you have an Nmom too! I can beyond relate to the frustration, (I have dealt with it forever), and no talking wont work. I'm wedding planning now, and as usual my mom makes snarky remarks about everything I want and makes overblown comments about why it won't work. ex- you want to serve Caribbean food? but isn't everyone coming American. 🙄 umm, but i'm of that decent and my friends eat Carribean all the time. Or deciding to wed in NOLA, and her saying "but what about hurricane Katrina! 😶🤣 I've started just saying "I'm not sure, or we haven't decided on that yet". She still pries, but she cant insult what I don't share. Good luck!
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