How do I tell my dad he won't be walking me down the aisle?

I think this may be a pivotal time in your relationship. Definitely a conversation that should be face to face and just be very honest and lay it all out on the table. I'm sure he probably would not be suprised to hear this coming since he hasn't been a large part of your life. Hope it all goes well!

You have a very soft heart and don't want to hurt his feelings, yet he essentially abandoned you as a child.

Whatever you choose to do, keep that in mind. I'm not trying to be a dick, and I know we "excuse" our parents crap behavior a lot. He didn't want to be a father to you. As far as I'm concerned, you really don't owe him any sort of heart to heart or explanation. He never gave you one.

If you really want to involve him for some reason, just tell him parents/family will be sitting in the front row before the ceremony starts and that there will be a place for him there. If he asks about walking you down the aisle, simply tell him "my brother x is doing the honor!". That's it.

That is going to be a difficult conversation to have. I feel for you, having had my own father issues. My mom will be walking me down the aisle. I wish you all the best when you do sit down with him and tell him how you feel.

Having this conversation with my father caused a fight, crying and screaming.

It's a hard conversation to have. But definitely do it in person but honestly don't bring it up until he does. He may not even care.

Honestly, I would just not bring it up unless he does, or let him hear about it from other family members that you've asked your brother. He must know he hasn't been a great dad. He can do the math. No need to have a big dramatic heart-to-heart.

If he does approach you about it, you can keep it classy and not stir up hard feelings by focusing the conversation on how close you are to your brother, how he's been so great to you, and that's why you picked him. Your dad will get the message.

@Aurelia you are completely right. I know I don't owe him an excuse, I'm just scared of it being awkward. That's the last thing I want to worry about on my wedding day.

Thanks for your advice guys. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has struggled with this.

Mikayla, don't be scared about it. I know it sucks you don't have a good dad. I have a crap mom who is hardly in my life anymore, so I totally, totally get where you come from. I beat myself up for years over our relationship and put myself in therapy several times over the "guilt" I felt. It took me several years to give myself permission to dismiss the worry about her feelings from my life.

You can't care about someone's feelings who doesn't care about yours. This is one of those cases. I know it's hard to accept, but it's true. We have a VERY VERY hard time accepting our parents aren't good parents. We say "I love him because he's my dad", but really, we just love the person they used to be/we wish they were.

There is absolutely 0 reason to bring this up with him or worry about it right now. If he brings it up, remain calm and tell him your brother will be doing the job. If he gets combative, pivot on your two little feet and walk away. If you're on the phone, tell him the discussion is ending now and hang up. No crying or screaming needs to happen. There is 0 reason to cause any drama surrounding your wedding day.

You will only worry about it if you let yourself. Take ownership of your happiness and it is yours. Your dad doesn't own it anymore.

If he wants to make it right with you, he will make it right. He won't do it by wanting the glory of walking his daughter down the aisle on the wedding day. If he is serious about it, he will understand he needs to make it up some other way and some other time. I had a falling out with my own father after my parents divorce and it took years of rebuilding and intentional efforts by my father (that were sometimes not returned by me, but eventually were after I regained his trust).

Don't be scared of awkward. Why be scared? Be confident in your choice.

I agree with @EmilyG (edited to add - posted at the same time as @Aurelia and I agree with her wise words too!)

That's a difficult situation. I don't think it's necessary to have a huge "why" conversation -- the answer should be obvious to him, and the conversation is likely to cause you both unnecessary pain. But if you feel you owe him an explanation or if he asks you why, you can always say something like you told us: you appreciate that he was there for you early in life, you don't really know why he was absent for your teenage years but you have moved on, you're glad that he wants to celebrate the wedding with you now, and you feel very close to your brother so you feel best with him in that role.

The way he responds will tell you a lot about his intentions for the future of your relationship -- whether he focuses on blame / guilt, or respects your wishes and wants the day to be comfortable and joyous for you.

You don't have to have a male family member, escort you down the aisle. Consider asking your mother? She's been the only parent who has been with you all your life, and I think your father would have less reason to feel bad. Both my parents walked down the aisle with me (non-denominational). I would have never considered excluding my mother. (It's extremely common, in my family/social circle). I sang at my first wedding almost 14 years ago and that bride had both parents walk with her (full Catholic mass).

I agree with the pp's who said you don't need to bring it up unless he does first. I'm always in favor of not telling people what I'm not inviting them to do. He hasn't been a part of your life, and it would be awfully ballsy of him to assume he gets the honor simply because he's you're "father." If he does assume that, then you could let him know that you have chosen your brother for the honor, and his place is in the front row with the rest of your family.

I'm in a very similar situation as you except my step father will be walking me down the aisle. He raised me and he is my dad. But my biological father is convinced that he will be walking me down the aisle. He's the kind of person who won't listen to me if I say it to his face, so I am writing him a letter. I'm not going to bash him but I'm going to explain all of the things my step dad did for me and why he is walking me down the aisle. I'm sorry you're in this situation too. It's rough and it does hurt sometimes.

You ladies are so helpful! I feel a lot better about this. I think I agree. I'm just not gonna bring it up.

Be firm but kind, he may not even expect to walk you down

Oh girl..this is like my exact situation age and all. Unfortunately I have no advice because I have yet to decide what to do myself. But I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Best of luck

Please talk to your dad about all those years. Divorces are messy and there is always more to it then one parties side.

I wouldn't say anything. he'll figure it out when you say- hey dad - I need you at X point for Y event.

We went through this, because we did it. I would definitely have the discussion before hand unless 1. he is not invited AND 2. based on knowing him that he wont throw a fit, make a scene, or do anything to bring angst to your day.

Again, depending on family dynamics, it may be best to ask your brother to have this conversation with him.

Best wishes.

This is a tough one. I hope it all goes well.

I would agree that if you talk about it, it's important to keep the focus on your closeness to your brother, not on what he did wrong. It really is impossible for you to know what happened. If he lost his job, he may have become unable to pay child support, no matter how much he wanted to. And when a man stops paying child support, often the woman tries to prevent him from having contact with the kids in retaliation. It's not fair, and it's not legal, but how is a man with no job going to find a lawyer to help him fight for what's legal? So without knowing more, you can't assume that he didn't try. The fact that he was very active in your life before he lost his job suggests that he may in fact have tried and been turned away after that.

None of this means that you have to have him walk you down the aisle, or owe him an excuse. But to the extent that you feel abandoned by his absence, do think about the fact that he may have loved you very much, but been unable to be in your life for reasons beyond his control.