How do i say “no” ?

What is her side of things? It sounds like you are very sympathetic, which I understand.

What kind of personality is the 8 year old? Is she the kind of kid who can read or color quietly in a corner? If not, I would ask your friend to hire a sitter...especially if you are planning to drink champagne (which is totally valid, but not necessary for a kid to be present for).

My other thought is--are you having a flower girl or a ring bearer? Can the family of those kids also watch this 8 year old that morning?

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your kind response. She just can’t find a sitter at that time. And her spouse can’t bring her later for the ceremony as he has other obligations. The child is very upbeat. Her and I have a great relationship, but whenever we go out and she brings the child along, she clings to me. I am not having any children in the wedding party. I’m torn.

View Quoted Comment

If you're not having any kids, I would talk to your friend. Explain that you know she's in a tough situation because her preferred sitters aren't available. Then compliment this kid and talk about how you value your relationship with the kid.

Then explain that you didn't envision this day with children present and as much as you adore this specific child, the morning-of is a moment where you wanted to focus on your closest relationships and talk about how excited you are, and you are concerned that her child's natural exuberance will take away that focus.

Finally, reiterate that you recognize that she's in a tough situation and ask if she's really asked everyone possible to potentially watch her child (e.g. neighbors, relatives, classmates' families for a morning playdate). If she feels like she has, you can either: suggest Care.com (which has millions of sitters with background checks), ask her to stay with her child and get ready separately, or find a family friend who isn't getting ready with you but is in town for the wedding to watch the child in a separate area.

If you anticipate this child being an unwelcome distraction, I strongly encourage you to say, "no." The mom can skip the getting ready activities and come later. One of daughter's BMs was also mother to the four children in her wedding. The kids are not well behaved and having them with daughter early in the day would have been very significantly stressful to her. Daughter just suggested the BM show up later in the day, which meant she'd miss out on some of the getting ready activities. Not sure how the BM felt about it, but daughter had the day she wanted. (These are kids who would have been VERY demanding of attention all morning; as it was, one of the RBs slugged the younger RB two-seconds before they all walked down the aisle. They are not well-disciplined children by any means.) If you don't want the child with you, say, "no."

I would word it how you said. You would like some adult time getting ready. I have noticed even good kids want monta attention especially when no other kids are around. Just nicely explain you would rather it be adults only especially to avoid any filtering of things. Also explain you would love for her to be there but if she cannot due to sitter issues you understand.

View Quoted Comment

I agree. Even the best behaved kid, who is the only child there in an amped up situation, could be a bit wild. Plus: Do you want to look back and regret having a child at what you thought was an adult only event?

I think it's ok to say no. However, is there a possibility that your friend won't be able to get ready with you if her daughter can't come? If she does end up coming, you could try and get a quick hair appointment or something for her to keep her occupied and not right on top of you the whole time? Good for you for trying to be supportive - just think it all the way through and know that there is no wrong answer.

I would not allow this. My soon to be nieces will be my flower girls and my FSIL is hiring a babysitter to watch them while we're getting ready and after we eat dinner at the reception. This was completely her idea because she knows that it will be really hard to get her hair/makeup done if her kids are in the room. They also CLING to their mom so she's having the baby sitter take them home and get them ready for bed so she can stay for the entire reception. I get that that's not really an option but I wouldn't compromise your day and adjust your plans. Did she have someone to watch her that bailed? Why is she springing this on you last minute? I'd kindly say "I'd prefer that it be the bridal party only." and leave it at that.

View Quoted Comment

There's no one who can watch her? Not one family member? No one on Care.com? If she brings her child all the time, I would suspect that she didn't even look and expected that when she sprung this on you at the last minute you'd say ok.

I'd tell her what you said here, that you want to get ready with moms and girlfriends. You want to relax, or have stress out time, or whatever, without having to be on "best behavior" with extra people being there.

I think you worded it perfectly, tbh. “ really just want some girl time in the morning with my mom, my mother in law and my best girlfriends.” I think anyone should be able to understand that. Good luck! Let us know how it does.

My husband's little sister who was 8 got ready with us. I couldn't say no because his other two sisters (ages 12 and 14) were getting ready with us and his older sister was doing all of their hair. They were in the wedding party so I guess my situation was different because the kids were going to be in the photos of my side of the bridal party before the ceremony. The only downside for me was that she was BORED. So she kept leaving the room to go see what her brothers were doing and leaving it deadbolted so anyone could walk in, which was stressful. (our wedding was at a hotel venue so some of the guests were there in the hotel).

I recommend reminding your friend how boring this will be for her daughter and asking if she has ANYONE that can watch her. If the daughter truly has to come, make sure your friend brings enough to keep the daughter occupied and that she STAYS in the room.

No! That is a very rude request. What is this girl supposed to do while you're getting ready, unwinding before your wedding, and posing for photos?

It’s a no.


If you want to be really nice, offer to find her a babysitter.
Why hasn’t anyone asked why her spouse can’t bring the child? Usually on wedding days there aren’t other obligations. And why does his obligation trump her “obligation” to be there for you?

She’s clearly known about your wedding for some time, and had adequate time to make arrangements. I would tell her no. I have a child. I know it can be hard sometimes to find childcare, but if it’s for something important like a wedding, I have it arranges way in advance. This isn’t an emergency situation like her babysitter is in the hospital or something, this is just rude.

View Quoted Comment

This. It's YOUR wedding day. If she's the only kid in the room people will be paying attention to her and making sure she's ok and having fun, taking the attention off you, and this is your day to be selfish. Not for some random kid who isn't even a flower girl. # sorrynotsorry

I agree with PPs, you are being kind and conscientious about it. Just tell her no, it is not a very fun place for a child to be anyway!

I would just say that you would like it to be just you girls since it's a very emotional and intimate time for just you girls. You can also suggest a friend or family member that might be okay with watching the daughter just while you get ready.

I would say to her “I would love to see _____ but right now what I REALLY need is all my girls
And time to chill with just them. Can ____ Watch ___??”

Looks like you already gave an answer in your post “ I really just want some girl time in the morning with my mom, my mother in law and my best girlfriends“.

Update:

I said no. Then at my rehearsal dinner she hugged me as she was leaving and just kind of said that she was bringing her the next day. I said no, again. She ended up bringing her anyways just a little later in the morning.

Feeling super bummed about this friendship. Thanks everyone for your encouragement to say no. I appreciate it so much.