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Just Said Yes September 2018

His 3rd marriage, my second...and we can't agree on the details

T, on October 12, 2017 at 10:05 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 4

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The back story - My fiance has been married twice before, first was at 19 due to being sent overseas and a sense of obligation, the second was around 24 and mostly for purposes of allowing her to have access to military benefits, neither ended great. I was married at 19 for a year, we agreed it was a mistake and were friendly for a decade after.

The present - My fiance doesn't want any sort of large party, big announcement, etc. His reason is, since he's been married twice before he doesn't "want to put his family through it all again" and deal with possible snarky comments, complaints about it being the 3rd time, lack of support, etc etc. I am emphatic to him, but I also want some of the excitement, recognition of "us" via a celebration of some sort (I don't deserve to have that taken away due to his ex-wives)...so I feel a bit of an em-pass coming for us and I'm not sure what type of compromise seems fair for us both.

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Kristin, on October 12, 2017 at 10:49 AM

Master April 2014
Nonna T · on October 12, 2017 at 10:09 AM
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Before he doesn't "want to put his family through it all again" *Put through as dress up and celebrate or worry about him getting hurt?
and deal with possible snarky comments, *Eff them who make the comments
complaints about it being the 3rd time,*See above
lack of support *You're each other's support
Explain to him that you see his not wanting a big celebration as not being proud to make you his wife (if I am reading this right). Offer to compromise on details (number of guests, budget, etc) and assure him that people who don't support your marriage or make snarky comments are the ones with the problems and he shouldn't let them damper his spirit.
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Super September 2017
Patricia · on October 12, 2017 at 10:14 AM
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It was our second marriage for the both of us. I wanted intimate religious ceremony and dinner on a dinner cruise in the city. He wanted a wedding with a big guest count. So we pretty much compromised. We had an intimate wedding with everything but our guest count was small 60 ppl invited. 45 showed and I was very pleased with that.
I think you both need to discuss what aspects of a wedding is important. Who are the ppl your really want there and what is in your budget.
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Just Said Yes September 2018
T · on October 12, 2017 at 10:23 AM
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Nonna - "put them through" meaning having them travel, spend the money to travel, come to "another" wedding for him...I think more in the sense that they've been there done that with him and he fears they'd be dismissive of it and upset about having to go through all the process of a wedding again. That's the best way I can describe it based on our discussions. I know the opinions of his family members are very important to him (which is also funny since they hated both his ex-wives and they love me), so I would feel they'd be supportive of us if he told them...and if they weren't they can "f" off. I've dealt with enough family like that in my life so I'm not as afraid of that behavior as he is.
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Master July 2017
Going to the chapel · on October 12, 2017 at 10:30 AM
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From your FH's viewpoint, if his family has already traveled, dress up, provided gifts twice before, the guests will probably be skeptical of this marriage and decline the invitation. Maybe that's what he's apprehensive of - not having many guests from his side of the family accept. Your best bet is to have a small, lovely wedding. It will still be a party with food, music and dancing and the people who you are really close to will be there for you.
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