Helpp i need advice

Your elopement is your wedding. If you choose to have a vow renewal in two years you can still have the party/reception but showers and bachelorette parties would not be appropriate at that time.

I believe an elopement is the best idea because you are solely focused on the importance of matrimony. I married my husband privately in courthouse and now planning for wedding next year. I do believe a big wedding can get in the way of the important moment of getting married. So it’s okay to take one step at a time. Since you are inviting the immediate family, you can do a bridal shower with them too. Plus it would be more significant since you are moving in together. You can also have a girls night out with your friends that know you’re engaged. I think you can include these at the moment then when you want the big wedding the family/ friends will bring gifts anyway so bridal shower not necessary. Have a big and fun reception party just like you want in the future too. My difference for my wedding will be a church ceremony, reception party, and with family and friends invited. You don’t have to follow any guidelines, just do what you and husband would love and what makes sense to you. Best wishes.

It is perfectly OK to do a vow renewal followed by a reception in two years. However, since you are already married, it would not be appropriate to have a bachelorette or shower at that point. The point of a bachelorette party is to celebrate your last night out as a single lady; which you obviously would not be at that point. I wouldn’t see anything wrong with hosting your own bachelorette party before your elopement though (I would be sure to host it though- it wouldn’t seem appropriate to want others to host a pre-wedding event for you if there won’t actually be a wedding they are invited to). I would just explain to your girlfriends what your elopement plans are, and let them know that you would still like to celebrate with them. As far as a shower, even a simple Google search will make it very clear that showers after nuptials are a big no-no. Doing this comes off as gift grabby. The purpose of a shower is to “shower” the couple with gifts as they move into their new home together. Since you will have already been married and living together for two years, it is assumed you have everything you need. In our social circle, people usually do not even have a shower if they are simply living together prior to marriage.

Typically the shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties are thrown by friends, so you could always have them now and then the reception down the road.

You can totally do the elopement/microwedding now and then a big party later. It can be like a celebration of marriage.

I skipped the bridal/wedding shower because I just didn't want it lol. And we honestly didn't need anything because we already live with each other. So, we already have what we need. I did have a bachelorette mini get away with my girls. So, because we saved on skipping the shower we were able to splurge a little more for our bachelorette and bachelor trips.

However, I would advise to not do those festivities after you guys elope/have a small wedding. Therefore, you guys should do it before then. One thing to consider for the shower is to be mindful on who you invite. As a courtesy you should only invite those who are already going to the elopement/microwedding. It would come across just like what other PPs said "gift grabby" if you only invite them to the shower and not the wedding.

The reception, again, can be a celebration of marriage later down the road. You don't necessarily have to do a ceremony again. You can do a vow renewal, but if you want to save then you can totally skip this.

It's OK to have a vow renewal later, but the shower/bachelorette etc would look odd given you will have been married for 2 years already.

If you're having a small elopement now, it's OK to have pre-wedding events now, but you need to make sure whomever is invited is also invited to the smaller event. It's rude to invite people to celebrate the upcoming wedding without actually inviting them to the wedding.

My now husband and I got engaged in June and legally married at the courthouse Nov. 2. We're planning a big wedding for March 2023 and yes, Im still doing a bridal shower, bachelorette, etc. Its not weird. All of those things are in prep for the wedding not necessarily the marriage. This has also become super common throughout COVID. I dont think anyone will find it odd.

Edit to add: we only told my maid of honor, his best man, and our immediate family so literally no one else will know that we're legally married before the wedding. Not that that makes any difference. Tell whoever you want and host whatever events you want. Tradition doesnt matter and less and less are people concerned about the traditional aspect of being there when you sign papers to be legally married. All your guests are far more concerned about the party and events leading up anyway.

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Strongly disagree. Tradition has been throw out the window in the past few years with covid. Why shouldnt she get the full wedding planning experience just because she decides to legalize sooner?

I will respectfully counter, there is nothing Covid related about her plans (and yes, I do think Covid brides are an exception because, due to state/federal mandates, they had to rapidly adjust their plans) and I agreed that there was nothing wrong with having a reception/party at vow renewal. But, she also asked if it was "weird to have bridal shower, bachelorette" 2 years after the wedding. I guess throwing tradition aside, it's no different than having a baby shower 2 years after the baby is born or graduation party 2 years after the diploma.

I'm not one for etiquette so take this with a grain of salt...


Have the bachelorette and shower now and invite anyone you want. Just make sure they know you're eloping. Consider doing a free gift option for the shower; bring recipes instead!

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I really think you should be truthful with people about being married already. Otherwise you're deceiving people about what they're witnessing and if word gets out there may be hurt feelings. Don't start married life by being inauthentic to people.

View Quoted Comment We dont see it as deception or lying at all. if people ask we'll tell. We told the people it matters to most, and plenty of people don't go through with signing the actual papers day of. they may do it the week before or the week after. just because we have a longer timeline doesn't make what they're witnessing any less special. the legal institution of marriage is just a piece of paper. theyre still witnessing the real ceremony and reception.

View Quoted Comment I will counter that the bachelorette and bridal shower are more about the wedding less about the marriage. if they're not having a wedding until later who cares if the legal process happened first?

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I get that you don't see it as deception but some of the people in your life might. I have literally seen this blow up before a couple of times so just a cautionary note.

View Quoted Comment We specifically told all the people who might have difficult feelings around it had they found out later. anyone else in attendance who hasn't already been told shouldn't have an opinion on it honestly. and if they do I probably don't actually want them at the wedding anyway if their support for our marriage is tied to whether they saw us sign a legal document.

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Again, you may see it differently, but some people will think of it the way JM describes. My guess would be more than some people.

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To a lot of people, the legal marriage is the important part though.

View Quoted Comment Then I guess we're lucky we don't have people like that in our lives.