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Brooklyn
Just Said Yes May 2022

Help/advice

Brooklyn, on March 18, 2021 at 7:25 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 11
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Hey y'all.

So, I know this is going to sound ridiculous to most, as when most people think of marrying young they think 21-24.

However, I am in a predicament.

My best friend and I started dating 5 months ago, we've known each other for years and we knew each other very well when we began dating. The whole summer before we began dating, both our families were saying we were the "most dating-ness non dating couple" they'd ever met. The point is- we knew/know each other very very well.

Our families are both Christians and we very much are too. (More on this later.)

Back at the end of November, after we had been dating just over a month, we began discussing a real future with one another. Our families were very much up for it and even expected us to be engaged at Christmas. In fact, my dad was willing to give his blessing as long as we waited about a year before we got married.

My boyfriend very much wants to ask my father for permission to marry me (such a gentlemanly and respectful thing that I appreciate). We (my boyfriend and I) felt that perhaps Christmas was too soon, even though we were very excited and we also wanted to wait for him to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. The main reason being that my dad wants me to wait until I graduate high school (yes, I am that young), and my boyfriend and I respect that reasoning.

We have been having issues lately though with my boyfriend and parents. My parents love him deeply, and he loves them deeply, our families are close friends and have always gotten along.

My dad is from England and all of his brothers and sisters live in England still. It's rare when he sees them and he FaceTimes them once a week for an hour. This past Sunday was that day and at the same time, my boyfriend and I were heading out for a date. My boyfriend, extremely nervous to meet so much of my family at once, didn't speak to them. My dad was very upset by this and he, my mom, and siblings began saying things such as "If NAME really loved you, he would have wanted to meet all your aunts and uncles" and such. Something that made it worst is that one of my little sisters (she's 6 almost 7), was messing around and was being VERY rambunctious and not behaving well and my boyfriend didn't exactly snap when she wouldn't stop calling his name while he was in the middle of a conversation with me, but he said "What?" to her very snippy in front of my parents which upset them EVEN MORE.

Now, my parents are completely against him and we don't know what to do. He has apologized profusely and very humbly as he respects them and loves them very much and truly meant no harm. He wants to meet my aunts and uncles, but he was very nervous and now he feels horrible for being a "coward/chicken" as he calls himself, and he was already having a not so good day and my little sister can be quite annoying in his defense. However, it upset my parents to a point where my mother barely wants his name even spoken in the house and my siblings are saying horrible things about how he "doesn't love me" because he was afraid to speak to my aunts and uncles for the first time and that he accidentally snapped at one of our little sisters. (I have 7 sisters.)


We've both been praying very hard about this decision and we want to get engaged later this year and get married next year. We are both 17 as of right now and almost 18 and depending on when we get engaged later this year we will either be 17/18 or 18/18 and when we get married either 18/18, 18/19, or 19/19. (Yes, again, I know, YOUNG. However, we both know what we are getting into and that marriage is hard work. We aren't going into it expecting it to all be easy and full of rainbows and sunshine. My parents were married at 19/22 and his married at 21/22. We both know what we are getting into.)

But now, we are unsure if my dad will even give his blessing anytime in the next few years and my boyfriend respects them too much to marry me without his blessing, but we still want to plan on getting engaged this year and married next year.

What do we do?

Any advice/help/wisdom is VERY much appreciated!!

11 Comments

Latest activity by Hannah, on March 18, 2021 at 10:48 PM
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    The reason why some might say you’re “too young” it’s because from what it sounds like right off the bat, it sounds like you are putting a whole lot of decision making into getting married based on your parents blessing. At that point you will be an adult, and sometimes you will have to make hard decisions on your own. That sounds very bizarre to me that your parents immediately brought him off because they were pushing him to meet a bunch of different family members and because your little sister was annoying him. I don’t know the full situation, but to completely write him off like that… A person that they were agreeing that you should get married to very young it’s just very strange to me. I think there comes a point in time where you have to understand that creating your own family is the next step. Yes you will still have your family, but you’re not going to be bringing them with you on your journey to being a wife and potential mother. This is the world of adulthood. If you think he’s a great guy and if he treats you right and in the Christian community getting married young is relatively common, then I think you need to think long and hard about if you really must have your parents blessing/permission at that point.
    • Reply
  • Kaylie
    Savvy October 2022
    Kaylie ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you’re going to like my answer but I’m not sure where the fire is. What’s the rush to get married? My fiancé and I started dating at 18- a little older than you are and didn’t get engaged until 24. You will change a lot over the next few years as you start to go out and do things on your own. These will be formative times for you as a person and you and your boyfriend will either grown closer together or apart. I recognize it’s common in the Christian community to get married young, but I also think this leads to higher rates of divorce. Is there a reason you can’t just continue dating? It doesn’t sound like you’re independent enough to be getting married if you are still very concerned about your parents’s blessing and such.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag

    Honestly your family has blown this completely out of proportion. I personally do not think your boyfriend was in the wrong for having a human moment. It was very disrespectful of your family to misinterpret his actions and essentially boycott him.

    You don't need parental permission if you both are 18+. Be independent and work on starting your own lives together.

    • Reply
  • Brooklyn
    Just Said Yes May 2022
    Brooklyn ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    No such thing as an answer I won't like, I value and appreciate every persons advice/opinion/wisdom/etc. that I can receive. We both tend to be relatively independent people, but we value and respect our parent's wish's/opinions/etc. and we don't want to start our marriage off with bad feelings between us and our parents, we would much prefer their support in all this.

    And we have thought about waiting, but our line of thoughts are along the lines of why wait when we can begin living our lives with our best friend, the person we want and are excited to spend forever with? We don't view it as rushing, we are just excited to begin our lives with one another as soon as we can.

    • Reply
  • Kaylie
    Savvy October 2022
    Kaylie ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    I can see that viewpoint but will you both be going off to college? I can’t even begin to explain how much I grew up and changed as I went to college and was truly independent for the first time. I think it would be wise to get a little more life experience before jumping right into marriage. I think this will help solidify that he is the right person and help your family to see it too.


    I will say it sounds like your family is overreacting. I suffer from severe anxiety and understand that not being prepared to meet new people but being forced to is an AWFUL situation.
    • Reply
  • Brooklyn
    Just Said Yes May 2022
    Brooklyn ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I suffer from severe anxiety too and it really is an awful situation!

    And right now I am in college, I have 1/2 year left to finish up my associates. He has decided not to go to college, he doesn't feel that's his plan for life. We've discussed it and if he ever does change his mind and decides he wants to do trade school (which is the only thing he would ever do if he went to college, he says), then we live very close to several colleges and it would not be an issue.

    • Reply
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    I am marrying my fiancé at 24 and we will have been together for 7 years (our wedding will be our 7th anniversary) and having met him at 17, I cannot imagine myself marrying him at 18 - I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself once I finished high school and I can't imagine making such a big decision like that.

    For me, if things don't work out later down the track, we will divorce. While I don't want that to happen (for obvious reasons) and don't anticipate it, I do mention this because I know that a lot of religious communities shun divorce and it is avoided at all costs, and consequently, those who do proceed with divorce tend to be socially ostracised from the community they've known their whole lives. This isn't the case in all devout communities and faiths, but it does happen.

    I really would urge you to consider waiting a bit longer and evaluating what you actually want in your life. For me someone planning an engagement at 17 makes me think of the Duggar or Bates families that you see on TV and personally I feel like marrying so young with such little experience of the world, you are limiting your own freedom.

    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag
    So right off the bat you sound like a very mature and intelligent person. I'm guessing you may have been homeschooled, and that's why you're in college so young? (I was too, and got my A.S. at 17)


    I have to say, as someone who got engaged at 23 and will be married next month at 25, I almost feel younger now than I did at 20 when I finished my bachelor's or 21 when I finished most of my masters coursework. Your early 20s are such a transformative time in life - you learn so much, experience so much, your brain changes, etc. I would not shortchange yourself out of that. And I would not under any circumstances get engaged to a man when I or he was barely 18 or 19. You need time to see what kind of adult this person becomes, how they live and act on their own in the real world. And that doesn't happen right away, it can take years to settle into a routine and get things figured out.
    Just my 2 cents...I wish you the best.
    • Reply
  • N
    Beginner October 2022
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    The strangest part about this whole situation is that your family seemed to turn on a dime after this seemingly minor incident. I know no one wants to think of their loved ones as manipulative or passive aggressive, but is it at all possible that they weren't being entirely truthful in their excitement for this marriage and they're just using this incident as an excuse? As others have said, you sound very mature and reasonable. It sounds like another discussion with your parents is in order about how it was truly a mistake and to try to get to the root of why it has upset them so much. Also, ask them how your boyfriend can make it up to them. I'm guessing that this will just need some time to be forgiven and you'll probably still be able to get their blessing by the end of the year. If not, the truth is you'll be 18 and don't need their permission. Either way, the unfortunate reality is that this behavior will probably repeat itself eventually and it is something you and your boyfriend/husband will have to be prepared to work through together in the future.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
    • Flag
    Marriage is not hard work at all... I think living together first works out all of the kinks personally. I also think life experiences and encounters help the maturity behind marriage. Definitely can be done at your age though ♥️ best wishes!
    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    I agree with others who say to wait it out a bit. You said, "why wait when we can begin living our lives with our best friend, the person we want and are excited to spend forever with?" You can still live your life with that person without jumping into marriage so soon.


    You do sound mature for your age, but you still have sooo much growing to do. The frontal lobe of the brain (which is responsible for so much of our personality and decision making and all those other higher level processes) is developing rapidly at your age, and isn't done until around age 23-25. You two are still developing into your adult selves. Waiting a bit of time to ensure that you two are continuing to develop in a compatible way only carries positives. You can still be together and not married. However, you can also find yourselves growing apart. I feel like there aren't any risks to waiting for a few years, but there are some with marrying so early.
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