I’m struggling with how to tell one of my bridesmaids I no longer want her to stand up in our wedding. We’ve been friends for about 9 years and we’re always together. Once my fiancé and I started dating 4 years ago, our friendship started to distance to the point where it’s awkward (at least I think it is). She moved to another state last year, so we no longer hang out, but we hardly ever talk on the phone, text, etc. Our wedding was supposed to be July 2020, but postponed to May 2021 due to COVID. She came to our engagement party but left early for a co-worker’s husband’s bday, was never planning on coming to my bridal shower (eventually cancelled), and didn’t come to my bachelorette party in AZ. When she did come home for a week, she never asked me to hang out. She even visited a friend in AZ after my bachelorette party. Her only investment was her dress, which was $100-$150. At this point I feel like our friendship isn’t the same and would feel uncomfortable having her in the bridal party. How do I tell her this nicely without coming off as rude?
That is so tough. Sorry that you are in this situation. I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to acknowledge that it must be hard to feel like one of your closer friends doesn't even feel like a friend anymore.
If you aren't that close anymore, it seems odd that you asked her to be in the wedding to begin with. I would just be honest with her that you don't feel as close to her anymore, but this will likely ruin whatever remains of your relationship with her.
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I felt guilty if I didn’t ask her to stand up for how close we were, but thought it was maybe a rough patch and things would be better. For me at least, it’s gotten worse over the last 3-4 months. It’s hard for me to fully let go knowing it’ll end any relationship we do have.
I totally get. I lost someone I considered a best friend during wedding planning. Turned out she was gossiping about my husband and I. Unfortunately, removing her from the bridal party will be the final nail in the coffin. Only you can decide if you are okay with your friendship completely ending. However, it doesn't really sound like there is much of a friendship even left.
There is really never going to be a nice way to tell someone you don’t want them in your bridal party or at the wedding. I’m sorry you don’t feel close to her at all, you could do two things imo. First maybe try to talk to her about how you’re feeling? Not in relation to your wedding but just that you don’t feel like your friendship is the same and that you don’t know what happened. Second would be to just tell her that you don’t feel like she is involved in your friendship and that therefore you don’t think she should be in the wedding party. That will obviously mean your friendship is over forever, and that she won’t come to your wedding at all, especially if your friendship was already on the rocks.
Sorry you are going through this. You have to do whatever is right for you and your day. I am only having one bridal party member, she is my sister. I considered two other girls, the wife of one my fiancé's best friend's, who I've been friends with for 5-6 years and the other is co-worker who I'm friends with outside of work. I'm glad I didn't ask either of them because in the time we started planning our wedding (March 2019 for October 2020) to now out postponed wedding of October 2021, I've learned that I'm not very close with either of them. I'm not sure how I would have ask some to step down and just be guest. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
I would probably think about two things.
1. Are you ready to let this friendship go? Because there’s a good chance if you remove her from your bridal party it will effectively end your friendship.
2. Do you see her being a significant person in your life 10 years from now? Even 5 years from now? If not, it would probably make sense to remove her from your wedding party. The people standing with you should be those closest to you and who you feel will be a significant part of your life in the future. Tbh, it doesn’t sound as though your wedding has been any sort of priority to her. So, perhaps, removing her from the bridal party will be a relief for her. If I were in your shoes, I would probably text her (just because I like to have the ability to convey all my thoughts logically and without interruption and without forgetting anything), and just let her know that you’re not sure what is going to happen with your wedding and other wedding activities moving forward due to the pandemic and all the restrictions, and that you realize traveling might be difficult/costly for her. So, you would love to invite her to be a GUEST at your wedding (if it is safe for her to travel at that time). And what would be the best way for you to reimburse her for the bridesmaids dress (ie, PayPal, Venmo, etc.).
I agree with a lot of what has been said. It doesn’t seem like much of a relationship left. Having these conversations is extremely difficult but needs to be done. It’s perfectly ok to feel like your feeling. It seems like your a genuinely caring person & don’t want to hurt anyone. That being said, be prepared that this might end your friendship. We also have a tendency to play out what needs to be done, to the worse case scenario.
I would FaceTime with her to just have a frank discussion - “Susie, it seems we have grown apart in the past 4 months or so. I know so much has happened with the pandemic and no one’s life is the same as it was ten months ago. In planning for our rescheduled wedding I am thinking we should discuss the bridesmaid situation. Since so much has changed in life, are we still on the same plane we were back in xxmonthxx when I originally was planning my wedding? I’d love to hear your thoughts” - and let the conversation flow.
There isn't a nice way to kick someone out of your wedding, and it will probably ruin what's left of your relationship with her, but it sounds like you're prepared for that, so just go for it. You do need to reimburse her for any costs she's incurred because of your wedding, though (in this case just the dress it sounds like).
I know your life revolves around your wedding, but you have to remember not everyone's life revolves around your wedding.
I don't see any reason that your friend should be kicked out of your bridal party. But I can go MONTHS without speaking to my friends and know we are still good. But if your relationship is already strained for some other reason, then I guess you have nothing to lose. Do you want to ruin a friendship? Because if you do this, be prepared for this to happen.
Your friend moved to a different state, I don't think it's unreasonable for her not to be able to come to all the little parties in between as long as she is at the wedding.
I was in this same situation a month ago. I couldn't figure out how to address it and had absolutely horrible anxiety from it. Thankfully, she dropped out herself before we had that awkward talk and she was relieved that I wasn't mad. I would say try to talk with her and see what's going on in her life as her friend first. You may have missed some key reasons why the change happened. However, it is still your day and if you would rather not have her as a bridesmaid, be as gentle yet honest as you can. Maybe your friendship will last, maybe not. Just try to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for any outcome.
This is precisely why I opted not to have any bridesmaids... people change and situations change and I would just tell her that you will pay for her investment in the dress but that your relationship isn’t the same and that you want people that you feel truly close with standing by your side