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Just Said Yes February 2020

Help with angry parents

Rachel, on February 17, 2020 at 4:00 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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A little background: My fiance and I have been engaged about 3 months. My dad was super angry fiance did not ask for his permission before asking to me marry him. I didn't and don't care; I don't need anyone's permission to marry the man I love. Originally were thinking summer 2021 for our wedding but 2 weeks ago we found my fiance is getting deployed (Army) at the end of the March. So all of a sudden there's a wedding planning frenzy. We decided eloping to NH was the best idea because where I live it would be a while before we could get our hands on the marriage certificate which is needed for various army paperwork before my fiance ships out.

Fast forward to now: I bought my dress 2 days ago with my sister, my daughter, and my stepdaughter-to-be. My dad calls me and screams at me because I purposefully excluded my mother from my bridal shower. Uh, what bridal shower? She was unable to come dress shopping because she had to work, but she came to the fitting with me yesterday. I did not purposefully exclude anyone. He didn't listen, just kept yelling and calling me names. Today I get a lengthy text from my mom about how upset she is that she is not invited to my wedding. I explain (for the hundredth time) that we are eloping. Nobody is coming except for us and our 2 children. There isn't going to be a reception, just a quick city hall wedding. There will however be a reception next year when my fiance returns from deployment and all friends and family will be invited to that celebration. My mom didn't care about any of that. She called me up to scream and yell and tell me what a piece of crap I am and then calmed down long enough to tell me how she could drive up there and get a hotel and essentially crash my wedding. My future MIL is a doll, I love her, but think she might be more than a little upset if she found out my mom was there and she wasn't. And MIL absolutely cannot go because FIL's health problems make travel very difficult and she would have to pay a nurse to come with them. I explain this to my mother and she goes right back to yelling at screaming at me.
I don't know what to do. My dad is not speaking to me. My mom is alternating between completely ignoring my existence and trying to convince me to let her attend. I need some advice. How do I fix this? What can I say to them so they understand that it was never my intention to upset anyone?

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Alys, on February 18, 2020 at 1:14 AM

Super September 2026
Laura · on February 17, 2020 at 4:54 PM
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I think a really long email is in order. Also before you send it, think of your 2 little girls and nor being included in their weddings. Moo giving the bride away, no excitement to share with family and friends, etc. I think they had an idea in mind of what your wedding would be like and very little time to switch gears. Take no abuse but also tasks time to see their behaviour as pain.

Also maybe tweak your plans to include a ceremony with reception in 2021. Or ask them what would help.
Then elope as planned.
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Super September 2026
Laura · on February 17, 2020 at 4:55 PM
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Sorry for the typos; on my phone.
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Just Said Yes February 2020
Rachel · on February 17, 2020 at 4:56 PM
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We are going to have a reception when my fiance returns. My parents know this but it apparently doesn't make a difference to them.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 17, 2020 at 5:02 PM
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I guess my first question would be was this your ultimate wish to elope or is there a reason why you couldn’t wait until he gets back to have your wedding? I’m sure you love your parents but I do find it a little ridiculous that the guy who is screaming at you and calling you names is also demanding your fiancé to ask his permission for approval. Why on earth would he think he has any right to give approval with the way he thinks he can talk to you???? Your dad should ask himself if he would give his approval if your fiancé talked to you the way he was talking to you because I’m sure that would be a hell no. You make your own path in life and if getting Eloped is truly what’s best for you then you shouldn’t let your parents make you feel bad. ♥️
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Just Said Yes February 2020
Rachel · on February 17, 2020 at 5:14 PM
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No, eloping was not the original plan. My fiance is getting deployed though so he wants to make sure the kids I are taken care of when he's gone. Then of course there is the thing nobody really wants to think about which is that he could get hurt and/or killed while he is overseas. I would marry him wearing a potato sack at the local landfill lol. As long as I get to be his wife the details don't matter to me. I just wish my parents could understand that.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on February 17, 2020 at 5:15 PM
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Honestly, it doesn't sound like you need to do anything. It sounds like your parents are being childish and irrational. I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be so difficult planning everything and preparing for your fiance's deployment. Your parents are adults and need to act like it. If they don't, that's on them. You've tried to explain things, but they aren't hearing it.
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VIP May 2015
KiwiDerbyBride · on February 17, 2020 at 5:20 PM
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Does your mother know where and when you’re getting married? Because if she does, I’d seriously consider moving it. If you say they’re not attending, they don’t attend. If they can’t respect your wishes, put them in time out until you’re married (at least).
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 17, 2020 at 5:21 PM
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♥️ Thank you for your fiancé’s sacrifice as well as your sacrifice to our country! He seems like a wonderful man who loves you and you have to do what works best for you and the kids, and if they can’t understand then that’s something that your parents will have to live with and be angry about and sometimes there’s just not anything you can do. But I wish you the best and it sounds like you have a real keeper so congratulations!
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Super March 2020
Jennifer · on February 17, 2020 at 5:23 PM
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I think the first step is to look at this scenario from their perspective. It is easy for us to say they are irritating or irrational. Think about if your daughter randomly said she was eloping and no one was invited because there was an urgency due to the military. As a parent, that might set you off and it would be super upsetting. That is your only daughter and it would be heartbreaking. Just like we wait for our special someone, parents dream of the day they get to walk their daughter down an aisle or be in the bridal suite doing hair and makeup with their daughter. While this is your day and should do what you feel is right, it might be helpful to take a breather and assess their feelings. That way you can properly explain to them why you are making this choice and that their feelings are normal and you understand them. I understand that you plan on having a late reception but that isn't the same as seeing their daughter wed. They are justified in their feelings and I think you both need to try and view this from one another's perspective.
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Champion October 2018
Kelly · on February 17, 2020 at 5:53 PM
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They are allowed to have their feelings and you are also allowed to have the wedding you want. Unfortunately there isn’t really a way to make them feel better besides giving in to what they want which I don’t recommend. I would give it some time and let everyone cool down.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on February 17, 2020 at 6:27 PM
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It seems your parents are being toxic and irrational. It’s not your job to please them and they don’t seem willing to listen right now. ☹️ I’d give them some space, change your elopement date or location to avoid your mom crashing it, and when you’re ready to host a reception see if you can talk/include your parents. If not, it’s sad but you may need to cut ties with them for a while setting boundaries that screaming at you is not acceptable communication.
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Super September 2026
Laura · on February 17, 2020 at 6:32 PM
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I meant to have you include a ceremony then too. Not just a reception... but say vows etc.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 17, 2020 at 8:07 PM
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I see this perspective and it makes sense. I will say I can understand while your father is a upset at not being asked permission but apart of me feels that is an outdated rule. What if your dad said no then what? My FH did not ask my older brother who is basically the other man in my life and has been since I was born but at the end of the day not his decision mine. I can see why the parents are upset and not coming to the eloping but at the same time that decision is up to you. Would it be bad for your parents to come provided that they both apologize and your dad accept that his permission was not needed? I am curious as to why they invited all these things in their head such as the bridal shower and what not. Have you had issues with them in the past in regards to the relationship?
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Dedicated September 2020
Alys · on February 18, 2020 at 1:14 AM
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I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Stand your ground. There is no negotiation. Elope as you planned, and move your elopement location if necessary to avoid having your parents crash it. You also don’t have to take this abuse from your parents. If you’ve already explained all this and they’re still behaving so ridiculously, just tell them that you’re done explaining and you’re happy to talk about other topics with them but you will not subject yourself to verbal abuse over and over. Regardless of how your parents feel, they’re not entitled to react like this towards you. They’re not toddlers but adults who should have learned to regulate their emotions and response by now just like they learned how to regulate their bowl movements instead of continually wearing diapers.
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