Just Said Yes September 2019

Help! Parents throwing wedding after party that we dont want to attend.

Alexa, on July 1, 2019 at 1:32 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21
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Hi Everyone!

I am feeling really frustrated right now and could use some advice and support.

My fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. We have planned for an earlier wedding ceremony with a brunch/lunch reception. With our time line right now, we are scheduled to have the reception end mid afternoon.

One of the main reasons we planned it this way was so that my new husband and I could have a lot of time alone enjoying each other. We also are both waiting to have sex until marriage, so we thought it would be better this way than if we had our reception ending late at night (sorry for the TMI).

My parents sent me a message today saying that they will be inviting everyone (I am assuming this is only my family) over to their house for a BBQ that evening, and that they expect us to be there for "a few hours". This was the first time anyone had mentioned it.

Now, this is not something that either my fiance or myself want to attend AT ALL. Both of us are more introverted, and we really wanted to spend the whole evening relaxing, taking a bath, opening cards, watching movies, ordering room service, etc. We are having a reception in the afternoon to thank our guests and interact with them, so I see no need in having essentially a 2nd reception.

Am I being crazy right now? I honestly feel like crying, because I feel like we planned this whole day only to have my parents make plans without asking us. I am just not sure even how to respond.


Latest activity by Eva L., on July 4, 2019 at 3:45 AM
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I would respond to the message and say "That sounds fun! I'm so sorry, but my fiance and I already have plans to have a dinner together after just us, and spend the rest of the day relaxing after our reception. If you want to do it more as a welcome BBQ for guests the day before, or the day after as a goodbye brunch, that's totally fine and we can attend! But if it's after the reception, we have already planned the rest of the day of just us. Let me know!" It's awkward and may cause some strongly worded conversations, but you need to stand your ground.

    • Reply
  • E
    Devoted October 2019
    emjo ·
    • Flag
    You are not being crazy. I would tell your parents that if they want to throw the after party that is their choice, but you will not be in attendance. If you like the idea, maybe ask if they can change it to a day after brunch, so they still get to host something and feel involved but you still get your downtime.
    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    You are absolutely not being crazy. I know it's hard, but I would be firm with your parents about not attending. "Mom and Dad, it is very generous of you to invite the family for a BBQ - however, H and I will be spending our evening together alone". I would not engage further. If they pushback, just continue to say thank you, but no.

    Enjoy your first evening as a married couple alone together.

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    You aren’t being crazy. This is actually a really good opportunity for the two of you to begin to set boundaries with other people, including your parents. “H and I will be spending the afternoon and evening following the reception alone.” End of story. Don’t engage in an argument and don’t let them make you feel bad for your decision.
    • Reply
  • Summerbride77
    VIP July 2019
    Summerbride77 ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This is pretty much prefect
    • Reply
  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
    • Flag

    Your feelings are perfectly normal. Kidding, even the weekend after our wedding, we told family to leave us along (in much nicer wording). Beyond needing that time to bond as just the two of you, it is also absolutely exhausting waiting once everything's said and done. A lot of couples say that instead of 'bonding' they're bonding was in the form of sleeping 12 hours and avoiding human contact!

    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    I think it is well within reason to be upset. You weren't asked, and it's your wedding! I would tell your parents you both made plans for an intimate night together for the first day/week/ect and will not be attending anything after the reception and will not be changing plans.
    They should have asked before planning anything so it's on them for making the mistake and assuming you were okay with it, it's on them to sort it out without you.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super September 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    I've had some folks attempt forcing us into things we don't want.

    I think this is a great time to be gracious, but firm in your adult decision. As a PP stated: boundary time.

    The proper thing here to do was for your parents to ask you if this would be okay before doing it, so you are completely in the right to decline the invitation. You are not required to attend something that is being forced upon you and that conflicts with your already scheduled plans.

    Maybe a response such as: Thank you so much for the generous offer to host a party after the reception. My future husband and I have already made plans and won't be able to attend. I wish you had discussed this with us first to see if it would work for our plans and schedule, but unfortunately that didn't happen. Any chance you would be open to moving this to another date in the future? Let me know and we can compare schedules.

    That's if you even want to do it another time. It was rude of them to do that to you without consent and then try to force you into it, so I am of the breed to be just as (subtly) rude back. My response would end at "...that didnt happen." from the above.
    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    I can't believe they are expecting you to attend a family BBQ on your wedding night! Really? Has this not occurred to them? It doesn't really matter what time you have your wedding and reception. The time that comes afterward is for you and your new husband!!

    If you are interested in the get together--just not the same night after the wedding, then suggest a different day, like the day after, day before, etc.

    Otherwise, just politely tell them that you will be spending your wedding night with your new husband, and will not be attending the BBQ.

    I think it was really rude of them to set this up without even talking to you and then expect you to attend.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I think this is the perfect response. They may not be happy about it, but they also shouldn't be planning events for your wedding without your permission.

    • Reply
  • Haley
    Dedicated April 2020
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    I think it's nice that they want to give everyone a place to go after. They can't force you to attend though. Tbh I do find it odd that you'd rather get it on than spend more time with your family. I know it feels like you've waited forever to do the dirty but you have your whole life to do it once you get married.
    • Reply
  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Alexa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I understand what you mean, but I am more frustrated with how it was presented to us (and not necessarily that they want to host an event for us).

    PictureHelp! Parents throwing wedding after party that we dont want to attend. 1

    • Reply
  • Bride2020
    Devoted May 2020
    Bride2020 ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Oh my goodness, you're so not crazy, nobody should be planning an event on your wedding day and asking you to attend it, that's wild. FutureMrsD's response is perfect^

    • Reply
  • S
    Devoted September 2019
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Your reception is your thank you to your guests. You're feeding them and I assume you'll send thank you cards for those who gifted after the fact? That is thanks enough. No need to drop by the after party. Thank your parents, but say you won't be attending. If THEY want to spend more time with family they don't get to spend much time with, they're more than welcome to.

    Go spend time with your new hubs!

    If you want an even easier way out, book a night or two at a hotel an hour away and tell your parents you're leaving right away for a romantic mini moon.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Devoted December 2019
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    I think it is very nice your parents are hosting a bbq especially for those out of town guests, gives them something to do. That being said, it sounds like you and your future husband have planned a nice little afternoon/evening together. You will probably be busy greeting guests and what not all day and I think it is super important to have that special time together. Especially if this is something planned that you are really looking forward to. I would just let your parents know that it is a very sweet gesture to have everyone over, but you and your FH planned your wedding this way so you can enjoy some time together and relax after a busy day. I really don’t think you should feel obligated to go.
    • Reply
  • C
    Super January 2020
    Cassie ·
    • Flag
    You are not crazy. I do however think it’s incredibly rude of your mother to tell you she made plans on your wedding day that you are “expected to be at”. That is not her choice. Kindly tell her you are unable to make that you and your husband have made plans as newlyweds. She should be accepting of your choice.
    • Reply
  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
    • Flag
    You're not being crazy. Tell your parents thanks but you already have plans. Non-refundable plans.

    • Reply
  • Birdie
    Savvy June 2021
    Birdie ·
    • Flag
    I think a simple but firm, "that's so nice of you. We plan on doing a toast to thank everyone at the reception and then spending the evening alone. Thanks for understanding."
    • Reply
  • Bridget
    VIP August 2019
    Bridget ·
    • Flag
    I would just say “thank you for wanting to continue the celebration but we would really like to have the evening to ourselves”
    • Reply
  • Renee
    Super October 2020
    Renee ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    It's not about her "doing the dirty" or not wanting to spend time with her family. She can also do that any time. It's about her and her new husband spending their wedding evening and night together. There's no way I would want to hang out after my wedding because
    we have special plans for our wedding night as well. That's normal.

    Good for you for waiting for your wedding night. That's awesome. I can't imagine how that must of been for you. I'm only guessing that you might be a bit nervous about finally being intimate with your new husband and some alone time to set the mood, and help you relax, seems like the perfect idea. Good luck with your parents. I hope they understand

    • Reply

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