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Merbear
Just Said Yes October 2019

Help!!! My Fiancé is inviting people to our wedding without consulting me.

Merbear, on September 16, 2019 at 1:22 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8
I have a serious problem: my fiancé is verbally inviting people to our wedding before speaking with me about it or asking me to send a formal invitation....and our wedding is less than 5 weeks away!!

We started planning our guest list 6 months ago. I verified the seating capacity (192) at the church and set that as the limit. I had his mom gather a list of their family and close friends (he has 60). My mom did the same for my family. When my fiancé and I discussed our coworkers, I expressed that because my family is so large and the church is limited in seating, I would only invite a few of my closest coworkers (I work closely with a lot of people in my profession, but narrowed down to seven). I asked my fiancé to make a list of his coworkers he wanted to invite. Instead of thinking about those he is truly close to and wanted, he went around his workplace and verbally asked people if they wanted to come to the wedding, then wrote the names down. Thanks to this, we’re now 60+ people over the limit of seating in the church...AND HE WANTS TO INVITE MORE PEOPLE!!!! I have now explained to him 3 times (once after each time he’s asked me to write out and send more invitations) that I’m not writing out any more invitations until a minimum of 60 people have declined. I’ve explained that I cut a substantial number of family members (my parents are from large families, 1 of 11 and 1 of 6 siblings) just to stay within seating limits (I cut from 292 down to 130 so he could have all of his family and close friends).

He seems to treat our wedding like it’s a house party instead of a formal life event—even telling me that he has never done anything “the formal way” because “that’s just not how he does things” and now he is ‘shocked’ I’m upset and wants to know how he’s supposed to tell a coworker who has already bought a gift (without a formal invitation) that they’re not invited. To top it off, he doesn’t even work closely with 75% of those he invited!

I love him dearly and he’s level-headed about a lot of things, but I find this fiasco over the top ridiculous!! My parents are paying for 95% of the wedding, including the reception. I just feel his attitude has been exceptionally disrespectful to me and to my parents.

Advice, perspective, and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

8 Comments

Latest activity by Merbear, on September 26, 2019 at 7:52 AM
  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    Ask him which of his guests he plans to disinvite so these others can be invited. Point out that fire code will NOT let any more than 192 people be in the church at once - so what is he planning to do? Let in the first 192 people who arrive, even if that doesn't include VIPs? I would imagine he'll be rather upset if his parents miss out because they weren't in the first 192. Is he going to make them fight to be in the church? Ask him what his plan is. When he doesn't have one, tell him this is why he shouldn't invite extras. Stand your ground. What you could do is have a BBQ for his coworkers when you get back from honeymoon, if he really wants to - but he organises, plans and makes it happen.

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    This, 100%. Please stand firm and make sure he realizes his behavior is disrespectful and unacceptable to you

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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    So he intends to toss around hundreds, maybe thousands, of your parents' dollars because "that's just how he does things"? Despite his agreement and without consulting you. Or them. Absolutely unacceptable. He can uninvite all those randos or he can cancel the wedding since who'd dare be married to someone whose approach to money and to agreements is to ignore both of them?

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  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud before it becomes a marriage issue and not just a wedding issue.
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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I wouldn’t send invites to any of his coworkers until he narrows the list down. Verbal invites wouldn’t find their names on our seating chart. No way!
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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    Agreed! I almost typed the same response.
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  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
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    Flat out ask him where these people are supposed to sit. There are limits for a reason. There are only so many places for people to sit and a max capacity for fire code.

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  • Merbear
    Just Said Yes October 2019
    Merbear ·
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    Thanks to all for the advice/perspective, I appreciate it! I had a discussion with my FH again and made it very clear that no more invitations would go out until we received regrets that 60 people couldn’t make it. I also expressed my feelings regarding his not consulting with me before verbally inviting people to our wedding. We agreed that if enough people decline, he can invite one more person and their spouse, but that’s it. The issue now is that the “Kindly Respond By” date has come and gone and his side of the guest list has had an extremely poor response rate (literally heard from 4 people).
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