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Savvy March 2020

Help! Fiancé’s Neice- Not in Wedding

Nicola, on February 19, 2020 at 2:19 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
Long story:


My fiancé’s neice was a bridesmaid in my wedding. However, I recently removed her because she would never respond to my text messages regarding the wedding— nor my Maid of Honor. A lot of my bridesmaids eventually felt a way about her, because all of them would help plan my big day and not her. Since day one, she has never participated or responded to anything. I feel that is disrespectful.
Now, my fiancé is upset stating I went the wrong way about handling this. He says, I should have communicated with him about what my thoughts on her were. He says we could have called her and found out what her problems was and see where her head was regarding the wedding. He says I made a decision behind his back without discussing the issue with him. He also says as her soon to be aunt; I should have contacted her and figured out where her head is before kicking her out instead of just doing it.
I am having second thoughts about not having her as a bridesmaid. Could this have been handled differently if I would have communicated properly? Or, it doesn’t matter how I communicated because she never did anything to show she is a bridesmaid.
Note: She says the reason why she has never responded is because she never had the money to pay for it, and was embarrassed to be a part of something not knowing how she would pay. She says she didn’t want to come to us because we have a lot going on. This neice is 21 y.o. A lot of things go over her head (in life). However, I do believe at 21 you should know to communicate & let it be known what you are thinking.
Help! Someone... I don’t know what to do.

14 Comments

Latest activity by Agarb, on March 3, 2020 at 12:02 PM
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    Your fiancé is right, you need to talk to this girl like her aunt. It was wrong of you to kick her out of the bridal party. All she is obligated to do is buy a dress and stand next to you. You should have tried talking to her about why she was non responsive before kicking her out. Especially because it is HIS niece... you are starting out with his family on the wrong foot.


    Now that it’s already been done, I would reach out to her and apologize for having kicked her out and for not having checked in with her sooner, and remind her that she isn’t obligated to pay for anything except for her dress and that you would love to have her stand next to you on your wedding day.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    There’s definitely a more mature way to handle things than kicking your soon to be niece out of your wedding over a text message.
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  • Alli
    Devoted October 2020
    Alli ·
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    "He also says as her soon to be aunt; I should have contacted her and figured out where her head is before kicking her out instead of just doing it."


    THIS ^^^ Your FH is 100% correct. You need to apologize to her for being so hasty, blame it on wedding anxiety or something but make this right!!

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  • N
    Savvy March 2020
    Nicola ·
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    It was not through text. It was over the phone.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I definitely agree with your fiancé that you handled this poorly.

    As for this: "Note: She says the reason why she has never responded is because she never had the money to pay for it, and was embarrassed to be a part of something not knowing how she would pay. She says she didn’t want to come to us because we have a lot going on."

    Finances can be a very touchy subject and I feel for your young niece with money worries and being pressured to spend more than she was able. It's quite easy to understand how she would not know how to talk to you about these issues.

    I agree with the other posters that you need to find a way to make this right. Apologize sincerely and welcome her back (if she wants to come back after being kicked out). Offer to help pay for her dress if it's out of her budget.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    However, I recently removed her because she would never respond to my text messages regarding the wedding”
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  • N
    Savvy March 2020
    Nicola ·
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    I removed her because she never responded to my texts messages. I never said that’s how I kicked her out lol.
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  • anna
    Devoted October 2019
    anna ·
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    I'm going to have to side with your fiance here... I remember being broke in my early 20s and wondering how the heck I was going to afford the countless bridesmaid dresses, bachelorette trips, and bridal showers I kept being asked to pay for. the poor girl! offer to pay for her dress if money is an issue, and reassure her she isn't obligated to spend any money or participate in anything other than the wedding, you just want her by your side on your big day. why do so many brides have such expensive and far-reaching expectations of their bridesmaids anyway?

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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    Your fiance is 100% right and I would be absolutely livid if I were him. I'm not sure if there's any way to fix this since you don't seem to think you did anything wrong, you just don't like that your fiance is upset with you for the way you treated his niece. If you try to add her back now everyone will know it's only because he got mad, and there's a good chance she likely won't want to be in it anymore anyway after the way she's been treated.

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    Your fiance is 100% right. You handled this the wrong way. Poor thing that she felt embarrassed and like she couldn't come talk to her. I'd reach out and apologize if I were you.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    So many times on WW, brides talk of BM is MOH like it is a performance oriented thing, like a job. It will s not. It is supposed to be an honor for the BM. And that means remembering they are family or friends, FIRST. Talking with people, regularly. Not sending memos or messages. We're BM texting her about things like expecting her to pay for parties, or trips? Those things are only for those who volunteer to do them, and folks were wrong if they made them seem an obligation. Talk with her and fix it if you can. Would it work for her to stand on FI's side, not needing a dress to match BM, just anything dressy enough that looks good next to GM? Doable in a very short time, off the rack? There is nothing else she needed to do, the rest all optional. Talk with FI. If it were my niece treated this way, I would be pretty upset with my SO.
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  • Christine
    Dedicated April 2020
    Christine ·
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    I would never kick my fiance's family out of my wedding ! Even if I down right hated them! It's his wedding too and he has a say. If he did this to my niece, I would be very upset .
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  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
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    Oh. Cringey. You should have definitely handled this better. Kicking someone out because they don't respond to your texts about the wedding? I'd have to kick my own mom out. I'd probably have to kick myself out.
    You should have gone to her or looked to your fiance for support and guidance on how to deal with his family. Kicking his family out behind his back is awkward.
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  • A
    Savvy November 2020
    Agarb ·
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    You're 100% wrong on this one. To not even tell/ask him before removing her?!

    Also, those reasons sound very much like those that a 21-year-old would have (things going over her head, embarrassed that she can't afford things)...

    I'm surprised your FH isn't more mad.

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