Help. Fiancé has a huge family but we don't want to invite them all

We have a similar situation. Our guest list is 60 people and includes no extended family of my fiancé’s except for his godparents, who he is close with. My fiancé’s sister just got married last Friday, and the entire extended family was there. They all think they are being invited to our wedding, but my in-laws know the deal. If we don’t talk to them, we’re not about to host a family reunion at our wedding. My rule of thumb is if you want them there, you pay for them. Be firm. Just because his siblings invited everyone doesn’t mean you have to.

I would sit down with you FMIL and explain to her everything you just explained here. Tell her you and FH would rather have a smaller wedding with people you truly know than a large one with strangers.
If she gets overly upset, you did say that technically the venue could hold everyone and also that you don’t know who all will show up. You could wait until after the cousins wedding to see who all shows up before freaking out too much. Maybe less will come than you think!

If she’s not paying, simply say you’re keeping the guestlist small and close (not sure how you originally worded your request for a list from her though, so that may complicate things a bit and tread carefully). But it’s not her wedding and if it’s not her money, it really shouldn’t matter , simply say you’ve decided to keep the guestlist more manageable and limit it to people you have a relationship with .

My brother and I had weddings 6 weeks apart. I invited all of our cousins because it was important to me. They wanted a smaller wedding and based their invite list on who my SIL had actually met, so they only invited a handful of the cousins. It worked out totally fine— what worked for them worked for them and what worked for us worked for us, and it was went a big deal to anyone else (at least, no one said anything about it to any of us!)

If she isn't paying she really gets no say. If she is paying, I would consider what she wants a little more.

I have a pretty big extended family too. My parents are paying so I don't really have a say but they ended up agreeing with me on this one. FH and I only wanted to invite immediate family (parents grandparents and siblings). We also invited my close uncle and his aunt. Other then that we are having all friends. We arent relaying that message to anyone. Mine and his parents know about it so if anyone asks they know to tell them due to space we cannot invite everyone but to stay tuned because we will be having a BBQ to celebrate our marriage after the wedding for people who could not come or could not be invited.

We had the same situation. Our compromise was to only invite the aunts and uncles and adult cousins. In the end most of the people we invited from his extended family said no anyways (we even had to chase down most those no’s because most didn’t send an rsvp back). Obviously there is no guarantees that you will have the same decline rate but just a thought. I feel like if someone hasn’t seen someone in 10 years they may not make too much of an effort to come to a wedding that involves a bit of a drive and an over night stay. In the end I was a bit annoyed that we just had to invite all these extended family and they didn’t even have the respect to mail back a pre stamped rsvp but at-least our head count is closer to where we wanted it.

This exact situation happened to us. We are having 30 people total at our wedding and my FH's dad has 8+ siblings and his mom has 5. We didn't invite any aunts/uncles and only 2 cousins who are also MY friends so we didn't feel guilty about inviting them. Ultimately my FMIL was upset but understanding. It does make it awkward when you talk to the aunts and uncles and they bring up the wedding though.... Guest list has been the most stressful part of wedding planning for me. I wish you all of the best!

I would have to say no to FMILs list. If FH hasn't seen or spoken to these relatives in 10+ years, they are essentially strangers. There is no need to invite them. And FMIL will get to see them all when her daughter gets married. That's no reason for you to have to invite them all. If your FSIL wants to let mom bully her into inviting all those people, so be it. That doesn't mean you have to do the same.

This is your wedding. Politely tell FMIL that your guest list is already set, and you and FH are happy with it. You won't be inviting "distant" family, as you only want the people you are closest to at your wedding. She'll get over it. Especially since it sounds like she's not willing/able to cover the cost of these 55 additional people. Nope. Can't do it. Sorry.

There is no reason to invite anyone you have not seen in the last 3-4 years. If you want to see them again, help MIL to plan a family reunion. But don't have a family reunion at your wedding. It does not matter that sis has invited them to hers. She can invite the parking attendant and hairdresser she sees on the first Thurs of every month. Does not mean you need to do it also. Go through the list of people seen in the last 3 years. Do you or they make an effort to get together? Or do you only see them when you meet at other peoples homes? If you come to each other's home, and go out and do things with these relatives, it is a true relationship, invite them. But if neither of you have ever made an effort to see each other except at other people's functions, then see them at sis's wedding, or a family reunion. If there are people you really are close to, you should be able to include them, along with family like aunt, also close. And see extended family at another time, if both of you want it enough to make the effort.

Important people should never be on the B list. Your priorities trump FMIL's priorities. I suggest you and FH talk to her and tell her that hosting so many family members that neither of you talk to is not in the plan.

So this is sticky simply because of the other wedding where all the extended family is invited. My FH's dad has A LOT of siblings like 5 or something but FH rarely sees them. The first time I met any of them was FH's grandma's funeral and I haven't seen them since (2 years ago). FH straight up asked his dad if he had to invite them and he said no. So we were in the clear there. I wouldn't even know what to do with your situation. All I can think of is everyone's budget and wedding ideas are different. If his mom was able to accommodate and pay for all the extended family then yes. But I wouldn't sacrifice your vision and budget just to save face I guess. I think this needs to be a discussion with you, your FH, and his mom. I think it's fair to accommodate your parents' budget first.