Help. Family drama!

"I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want him at my wedding because of his short temper, but I also don’t know how to tell my sister/moh that I don’t want her husband there."

I'm confused by that sentence because it sounds like you are saying the same thing twice. While I totally get not wanting to have someone there that causes drama and has threatened to fight your brother, I'm not really sure uninviting would really help. If anything I think it would make the situation worse and I would worry about your sister's safety. It sounds like she needs to get out of this marriage. While she might love him, it sounds like he is a danger to her and others.

IMO it’s ok to not want a violent person at your wedding.


And sadly, knowing how abusive relationships work - you may need to have a contingency plan for if your sister doesn’t show up. Even if she has every intention of being there, a common tactic of abusers is to do things at the last minute so that the victim looks bad to people and feels further isolated.
There are things you can do to reduce drama. Don’t send her an invite - she knows she’s invited as part of the wedding party, and an invite sent to her home could trigger an outburst from him. Don’t discuss the wedding around him at all. Don’t talk about it on the phone of she’s around him.
Anything she is doing for the wedding, have a backup in case he sabotages.

View Quoted Comment Oop sorry I worded that wrong. I meant to say “I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her husband there, but I also don’t want a potential fight on our special day”


And yeah my biggest issue is I don’t wanna start more drama than there already is.

Everything that Samantha said is spot on. Especially with the abuser likely thinking to sabotage your sister to try and make her look bad leading up to the wedding. Or just sabotaging in general! This man sounds dangerous and I worry for your sister, your family, and your event. If you haven’t already, do not mention wedding plans or logistics to him.

Instead of focusing on not wanting him in attendance, which is completely valid, you need to put your energy into helping your sister escape her abuser and providing support and safety for her.

These suggestions are really helpful. I won’t bring it up in his presence. Other people like my mom have tried addressing their concerns of him to her in the past but she usually tries to either minimize it or completely dismiss it. He was never my cup of tea for her but abuse never crossed my mind until the most recent incident. I definitely want to offer her my support for anything she needs. I just don’t know how to bring it up to her with her shutting down the convo.

View Quoted Comment

THIS.

If he's going after his BIL holding *a baby*, that should have been like... the 60th line he crossed, and he should have been banned from family events after that.

There are so many red flags in your story. Your sister needs help getting out of an abusive relationship.

Though telling her that he is abusive to the rest of the family and therefore not welcome at the wedding may give her the catalyst she needs to see the truth.

It might help to have security at your wedding in case anything happens! We will be getting an off duty police officer in case my fiancé’s mom starts anything. She and his dad are divorced and DO NOT get along to the point we feel better having security there.

Honestly I would tell your sister/MOH your fears of her husbands short temper recking you and future husbands wedding day. I understand the conflict since it’s your sister and her marital issues are between her and your brother-in-law but it is your day and not saying she needs to decide whether or not she should divorce him and be done before the day arrives however she knows the potential outcome based on his previous behavior at past functions so at this point since no final decision has been made about there relationship she needs to sit down with him and say this is my sisters wedding I need to know now if you come can you be civil and not fight with anyone or am I going to this wedding solo? At that point it’s up to him he goes and behaves and they work out their issues or he doesn’t go or goes and acts like an ass you throw him out and your sister can finally make a decision about their marriage.