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Just Said Yes September 2022

Help! Bridesmaid issue

H.adam, on September 5, 2021 at 8:58 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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Back a few years ago when I first found out that my now fiancé was going to propose, I'd told my closest friend that I wanted her to be my maid of honor. Fast forward 1.5 years, I've decided that isn't a good choice on my part due to her not being in town, always having an emergency occur when we're supposed to hang out, etc. I still wanted her in the wedding party as a bridesmaid due to all the other pressures she has in her life, but she rarely ever returns my calls, never texts back, and hasn't been at all reliable since I got engaged.

I was trying to set up a lunch to explain the maid of honor situation to her, but she never replied. When I asked about how life had been and if she would be free, she texted back once and never responded about being free. I know she has time as she is regularly posting pics of her going out. What do I do at this point? Do I even invite her to be in the wedding or just find someone else and invite her to the wedding?

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12 Comments

Latest activity by H.adam, on September 7, 2021 at 6:43 PM

Savvy March 2022
Heather · on September 5, 2021 at 9:23 PM
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My personal opinion is find someone else and just send an invite. If someone cares, they would make time to at least have a phone call. If something is said, then you can just explain that you made an effort but since there was no response, you ran out of time and had to make a decision so you could continue planning. Hope this helps!
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on September 5, 2021 at 9:25 PM
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I personally would not have her in the wedding party, period. If this friend is flaky and there are concerns about her commitment / reliability, it doesn't matter if she is maid of honor or bridesmaid, she will cause you just as much grief regardless of the title you give her.
If you've made attempts to explain your decision to her and she hasn't come to the table to actually allow that to happen, I would perhaps just leave it until she brings it up (if and when she does) because it sounds to me like she may have just forgotten about it or doesn't really hold much concern for it.
I myself was in this same position - pre-engagement I told my best friend I wanted her as my MOH but came to realise that I would be making a horrible mistake if I did that. After our engagement, I made a point to tell her of my decision ("we have decided to have only family in our wedding party, I'm sorry that I may have gotten you excited about the prospects of being involved and please understand I mean no offense and this is just a decision we made to make things easier") because I knew it was hot on her mind and that I had to address it. Best decision I ever made, not even a month afterwards and her forceful opinions made me realise what hell she would have put me through being involved in the wedding as anything more than a guest.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on September 5, 2021 at 9:30 PM
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Invite her to the wedding. Don't put her in the bridal party. Save yourself the headache of a flaky bridesmaid
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on September 5, 2021 at 11:59 PM
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That is not a friendship when you are the only one putting in the work. Don’t ask her to be a bridesmaid or a guest. Don’t extend any more energy toward her because you are not important to her unfortunately. Seek out people who are dependable instead.
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Dedicated October 2023
Melissa · on September 6, 2021 at 12:33 AM
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Why have someone in your wedding that obviously doesn't even want to be in your life?
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Devoted February 2022
Kristie · on September 6, 2021 at 12:41 AM
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Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I had the same situation with my MOH. In my opinion you need to sit down and think about what would change between you if she wasn't in your wedding. Maybe you can write her a letter and explain how you feel about her basically ignoring you and everything. I don't know if this helps but I hope it does.
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Devoted April 2023
Peyton · on September 6, 2021 at 12:52 AM
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I wouldn’t waste anymore time or energy in this one sided friendship. Her actions make it clear she is too busy and she does not care about you or your wedding. Move onward and upward.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 6, 2021 at 8:37 AM
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I would just invite her as a guest. If not it seems like you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on September 6, 2021 at 8:22 PM
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I wouldn't ask her to be in the wedding. It will only end in disappointment and then you would be on here asking how to remove her from the wedding party. But then again she probably isn't a friend worth keeping anymore so it wouldn't be hard to remove her. If I was you I wouldn't waste any more time on her. Don't put her in your wedding out of obligation.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on September 6, 2021 at 10:24 PM
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I'm confused, have you already asked her? What MOH situation were to going to explain?
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Super May 2022
Samantha · on September 7, 2021 at 10:52 AM
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Just don't contact her anymore about bridal party info. Sounds like she doesn't want to do it, and will be glad to have the out. Send her an invite. If she doesn't bother to respond to the invite, then you know where you stand.
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Just Said Yes September 2022
H.adam · on September 7, 2021 at 6:43 PM
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Thank you all for the suggestions! I know you're all right that the drama having her in the party would bring isn't worth it, especially if she can't be bothered to message or call me back. Thank you!!
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