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Master November 2022

Help!! Anxious groom

Chrysta, on September 14, 2019 at 3:32 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 6

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Ok, I could use any tips you might have here! My FH and I are having a destination wedding next fall. He is super excited about everything we have planned so far. He is excited about the trip, and about the reception. However, he has severe anxiety about the ceremony itself. He has had a fear of public speaking/being the center of attention his whole life. He was the best man at his friend’s wedding two years ago, and nearly passed out standing at the altar with him. He was so nervous he couldn’t even give the best man speech at the reception. This is one of the reasons we have decided to have a destination wedding - I have a very large family, and we are hoping this will help to keep the guest list much smaller ( less people, less anxiety for him). We are also having a more informal ceremony outdoors in a courtyard to help ease the formality of it for him, Plus I figured fresh air would help as well. I am also planning the ceremony for after sunset. I am hoping having it in the evening when it is dark out will lessen the feeling of all the eyes staring at him. He is very receptive to all these ideas, but he still gets anxiety when thinking about the ceremony- specifically, everyone looking at him and having to speak in front of them. I’ve already told him we do not need to write our own vows, so he will not have to remember anything to say. I would really like us to at least repeat the traditional vows after the officiant, but in order to make him feel more comfortable I may even go super old-school, and just have the officiant do the whole “Do you take so-and-so... “ and all he would have to say is “I do”. That part kind of bums me out, because I would really like us to vocalize our vows. But, it is more important for me to have my groom feeling comfortable. He doesn’t want the ceremony to be any more than five minutes long. I am all for a short ceremony, but even the shortest ones I’ve seen have been about 10 minutes. Do you have any advice on how I could help him get over this fear/anxiety, so that he can be mentally and emotionally present during our ceremony?? It is one of the most important moments of our lives, and I would really like for him to be present and enjoy himself and remember it- not just black out anxiety. Help!!

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Latest activity by Kelly, on September 15, 2019 at 1:40 PM

Expert July 2019
Mary · on September 14, 2019 at 3:46 PM
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Sorry that I won't be able to offer up much advice, but we are both the same way about public speaking. For our ceremony, we limited ourselves to "I do" and did not even consider custom vows out of nervousness. We also skipped toasts and speeches the day of (but allowed them at our welcome dinner the night before) and went around thanking our guests personally to avoid having to speak in front of everyone. My bridesmaids said it was the most introvert-friendly wedding they've attended. The guests liked the short ceremony, which meant they could hit the open bar sooner. 🤷🏻‍♀️
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Super October 2020
Eri · on September 14, 2019 at 4:03 PM
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Is his anxiety just about this moment in particular, or does he have any sort of debilitating anxiety in day to day life? Don't want to be too forward or assume anything here, but there are a lot of techniques he can try depending on the level of severity.
Have you considered writing letters to each other and having the officiant read excerpts from them? That way his feelings and words will still be there, but he won't have to say them in front of everyone.
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on September 14, 2019 at 4:19 PM
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Prynne,
I had never thought about having him write down his thoughts and having the officiant read them! That is such an awesome idea!!
As far as his anxiety goes, he does not have anxiety in his day-to-day life, it is strictly a phobia of standing/speaking in front of crowds. Apparently he passed out and hit the floor in high school in his speech class, poor guy. He is the life of the party when it is one on one or small groups, but as soon as you set him up in front of a crowd of people looking at him, he freaks out. My first inclination was to tell him to have a cocktail 20 minutes before the ceremony, but he is also kind of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol LOL I am afraid if he starts early, he is going to be $@&? Faced before the end of the reception and us hitting bourbon street
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on September 14, 2019 at 4:22 PM
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Mary, Did you find it easier that both of you had anxiety? ( The two of you being on the same page, wanting the same type of ceremony/reception, Etc. ) I am the complete opposite of my fiancé – I don’t mind being the center of attention or speaking in front of crowds, especially when it is our close friends and family! I would have loved to have written and recited our own vows. But, his comfort is more important to me. We are also going to not do speeches at the reception, except for myself. I am going to say a few words for the both of us.
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Expert July 2019
Mary · on September 14, 2019 at 4:49 PM
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It definitely helped that we both envisioned the same ceremony and reception format to work around our anxiety. I'm not going to lie that I was getting light-headed while waiting to start my processional. My coordinator offered me some mints in the hope that it would prevent me from fainting. 🤣
In all seriousness, we were so focused on each other that we didn't really notice the guests during the ceremony. It took all my energy just to make sure I didn't cry and ruin my make-up. Having only one line made it easier, otherwise I'd be nervous about having to memorize my vows leading up to it.
As an alternative to vows recited in front of the crowd, one more private option could be exchanging letters on the morning of. I feel like this lets the couple share tender sentiments to each other without the anxiety of public speaking. My husband and I are both very private people and did this at the end of the evening. 💕
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Dedicated October 2019
Kelly · on September 15, 2019 at 1:40 PM
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Maybe he could talk to his doctor about a temporary prescription that would help with his anxiety. I know performers of various types who take a beta blocker (high blood pressure medication) to help control stage fright.
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