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Just Said Yes December 2021

He won't propose

Elie, on December 27, 2021 at 11:37 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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I am 25 female. SO is a 36 male.

We both have children. I have a 5 year old. He has a 9 year old. My sons father and I have a great relationship and can coparent very well.
My SO has an awful relationship with his sons mom. My SO and her never dated and were never married. It was a 1 night stand type of situation. She didn't know who the father was until the baby was born. I have met her but never talked or had any drama, but She makes life very hard for us both.
My SO is well off and has a good/supportive family. He hasn't had any serious girlfriends since he was 25. He has never really been in love before me.
Whenever I discuss babies and marriages he jokes around and avoids the subject. He says he loves me but is terrified by the responsibility of getting married... we have a beautiful relationship and have met each others kids after dating a whole year. We both say we want to get married so we can show our kids stability and what real love looks like... he is always wishy washy about getting married...
Quote:Him: " I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you ive just been scared of the responsibility it comes with"

Im thinking this means he doesn't like that I'm a single mom and doesn't want to take on another kid? He is very good with my son and my son loves him... he keeps saying he loves me and that he is sorry he can't make me happy... I feel unrequited love from him all the time... I can't help it.
Another quote:Him: "so you can honestly say you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"
Me: "yes"
Him: "I just don't feel that way and never have, but I love you".
In my opinion, Thats like saying I love you, but I dont ever want marriage with you
We have been together for 2 years and 3 months. Should I give it more time or just move on? I don't want to waste my 20s on a 36 year old man who doesn't know what he wants... but I love him and he loves me I know he does... he's a very good man... I'm scared ill never find someone as wonderful or compatible...
He says he is feeling pressure from his family and mine for over a year now. I dont want to give him pressure but I do want him to know I want to spendthe rest of my life with him..

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Heather, on December 28, 2021 at 10:18 AM

VIP July 2017
Becky · on December 27, 2021 at 11:45 AM
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Your quotes contradict each other. In the first one, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and in the second, he says he doesn't. I would sit him down and ask him what he wants, if it's not what you want (or can accept) then you need to move on. If you can accept what he's offering - no pushing, not necessarily getting married, etc., then you stay. The first thing you need to do, though, is sit down and have a serious conversation about what you each want and expect.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on December 27, 2021 at 11:48 AM
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It actually sounds like he does know what he wants and that he doesn’t want marriage. You can’t force him to want the same things as you and if marriage is important to you, I think moving on from this relationship is probably your best option. If you’re comfortable with the way things are now and you’d be okay with letting them stay that way indefinitely, choosing to stay is also okay.
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on December 27, 2021 at 11:51 AM
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You say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with this man… is it necessary for you to be married to do that? There are tons of couples who spend their entire lives together without ever getting married. And realistically, signing a marriage license does not guarantee that you will spend together forever, or that you will be in a faithful committed relationship. So I think the first thing you need to determine is whether or not getting married is a nonnegotiable for you. If it is, then you need to let him know that, and he can then choose whether he wishes to stay and get married or to end the relationship. It sounds like he is avoiding having a deep conversation regarding this topic. Maybe seeking the assistance of a couples counselor could help the two of you communicate about this issue, and maybe get to the root of his anxiety regarding marriage.
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Elie · on December 27, 2021 at 11:54 AM
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I feel like he feeds me what I want to hear sometimes so I can be confused and stay... he is very smart but yes, he does contradict himself which is why it's so hard to decide my next move...

These are all quotes from texts! So literal quotes that he types out...
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Elie · on December 27, 2021 at 11:58 AM
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Thank you! He says he doesn't want to move in together unless we are married. I also feel the same. For the kids, we want to do it right..

I agree we need to talk more about it since a lot of the things he says regarding the topic are contradictory... I need to just push him through the awkwardness and get him to the point where he will have the conversation with me..
a counselor may help! Just gotta get him to agreed to set aside time and see the value in it. Thank you for the suggestion I will bring it up!
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Rockstar July 2022
Lisa · on December 27, 2021 at 12:01 PM
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If you had to choose, what is more important to you: marriage or being with this particular guy? There is no right or wrong answer here. If this guy is most important to you and you can be OK with potentially not getting married, then I would stay with him. It is absolutely possible to have a loving and supportive relationship without ever getting married. If you don't want to give up your dream of being married, then I would sit down and have a conversation with him to ask where he sees your relationship going and what he wants for the future. If he truly doesn't want to get married, and you do, then I think it best serves you both to move on to other people who better meet each of your needs.
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on December 27, 2021 at 12:07 PM
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Oh wow. It sounds like he is just talking circles around you. He doesn’t want to move in together until you get married… but he doesn’t want to get married. He is setting contradictory and impossible standards. So he wants to live in separate households but maintain a (committed?) relationship indefinitely? From an outsider looking in, it sounds to me like he wants to live a single life with no commitments to you, but still keep you on the hook. It sounds like you definitely need the assistance of a third-party to get him to open up and be honest about his feelings, and also show him how unfair, confusing and contradictory he is being with you. If you express how important counseling is to you, and he refuses to attend, his dismissal of my feelings is all I would need to know I was not in a relationship that is serving me or my child. Hopefully he will agree to working toward a future that is fulfilling for both of you. But if not, always remember it is OK to walk away from someone you love if they are not loving you back properly. That just means you haven’t met your person yet!
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Just Said Yes December 2021
Elie · on December 27, 2021 at 12:16 PM
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I try telling myself that! I may not be with who I'm meant to be with just yet.. and since I am a Christian, that means I believe that God has a plan and someone in store for me who will love me and will want to marry me...

I love him but may need to walk away for myself and my son. Thinking about that just makes me feel like a failure all over again though...
But yes, I need to talk to him and share how I feel and where I'm confused. Just talking with you for these short replies, I feel a 3rd party would be very helpful for us..
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Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on December 27, 2021 at 12:20 PM
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That is a wonderful and healthy outlook! Keep your faith, stay true to yourself, and do what is best for you, your child and a happy future life! Sending you prayers and good vibes girl!!!
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Super January 2021
Sharonda · on December 27, 2021 at 3:32 PM
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Reading this response made me think of this meme. Walking away isn’t failure by any means. Sometimes you have to walk away from what you want for something better that God has for you. Trust me … I know; my husband is the big teddy bear in the meme below. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you decide what’s best for you!
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Super January 2021
Sharonda · on December 27, 2021 at 3:33 PM
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Oops - the meme is below.
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Savvy October 2021
Heather · on December 28, 2021 at 10:18 AM
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As a Christian also I can tell you that the man God has for you will be consistent; he won't contradict himself, waste your time, and leave you wondering as to his intentions (which should be marriage) This man may be very nice but he's not respecting and loving you as his sister in Christ.
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He won't propose

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