Hello everyone, So my fiancé and I have been living and dating for 5 years and our relationship as been struggling for over a year. We maybe do “things” once every other month as well as just cute stuff and I just found out he has been lying to me about his school. I graduated from university in December of 2019. Before my graduation, I confronted him about his “first degree” which was in music. Apparently he never had one. I was upset but moved past it quickly since this is what he told me when we first started dating (but did keep the lie going).Now, we both have invested seriously in the continuation of his education. He changed course from music to criminal justice since he is military.A year ago, he wasn’t doing well in some classes and I would occasionally ask him about it. When this happened, he would get very upset. So I stopped asking.Through this year of spiraling, I have applied to graduate schools and am planning on mooring to which he is very supportive of and would go with me. We had big plans for our future when he would graduate this spring and I would start grad school in the fall. He would work and build his career and I would be in the books. Both of us following our dreams...He has been slipping. He works security and gets 2 days off a week and works a half day on Friday’s. Every week, he calls out the day before he has those 2 days off and Sunday, he almost got fired because 1.) he does it a lot 2.) it was Valentines 3.) he had just had an uncomfortable talk from his boss the day prior 4.) he wasn’t sick.. he was fine. Needless to say we had a talk about it and he was very upset with me but decided to go in that day. I asked to call them first and he didn’t. So I just told them he was in his way. He then calls me from work yelling saying that I’m going to be the reason he would get fired... not sure why but I was very upset and cried most of the day. When he got home, he acted VERY happy! He was on top of the world and it was like nothing had ever happened... naturally I confronted him the following day. We talked for several hours about where the relationship was going and what we can do. Throughout these 5 years, we’ve had multiple talks like this. Somewhere trust was brought up. And he had mentioned that he was stressed about graduating. I asked him why and he said I don’t know I have A’s and B’s. (He had been saying the A’s and B’s since January.) Since he’s started his last semester, he has been playing with his friends up until at the very least 12am 4 days a week and works 10 hour shifts except on Fridays. I have over $5,000 invested in his education to which I want him to succeed and not this be all for nothing.I let it slide and I asked when did he apply for graduation. He said “I haven’t gotten anything yet”.... I know that’s bs.. we went to the same university and I graduated before him... they start applications at the beginning of the semester and constantly email you about it.. I asked him why hadn’t he looked at the graduation application. No response. I asked him to find the deadline. He was trying to stall. I found it on my phone. The deadline was going to be this FRIDAY! He showed me his email which he checks daily and of course they had been consistently emailing him about graduation.. “you weren’t going to apply or even look at the deadline. We’re you”.... no response.... I asked to see his grades. Not only was he beyond failing... but his classes end in less than one month... March.. I was told May... he has a 36 and a 66... his GPA is a 1.9 (he’s wayyy smarter than that).. and you need at least a 2.0 to graduate... he hasn’t tried this semester to get good grades... I was devastated. My parents have said that if he doesn’t graduate that they would bless our marriage. He lied... is there any coming back from this?? I need help
This is a lot. Honestly it does not sound like he is ready for marriage. Reading this makes me think you are both fairly young and he does not know what he wants to do yet. His attitude toward school and work is very immature and unfortunately, not something you are going to change. He is working a job he does not care about (otherwise he would go) and in a major he isn’t interested in (otherwise he’d try). You seem to be very motivated to start your life and career and that is great but he is not there with you. I’m sure he loves you and cares about you, he is just not on the same level and may not be for several years.
To me the question becomes, are you willing to wait and support him until he decides what he wants? What if he never decides?
The fact that he continues to lie to you after five years is bizarre. Also, it seems as though school is not as much his dream as it is your dream for him. If it was his dream he would be more driven and focused. Your support is definitely what he needs, but you also can’t treat the relationship as if you’re his mother demanding he gets his schoolwork done. He also needs to understand that if you both are going to get married that you both are one unit now and you will need to make decisions together and be open and honest with each other. If you feel like he won’t be a good provider, that’s a red flag and maybe you should seek counseling. If he’s having a hard time handling work in a professional adult like manner, these patterns often don’t resolve themselves and this will be an issue throughout your marriage.
Also, I apologize for the multiple posts on your post but I’m just very curious about this whole situation. At any point did he expressed this passion or desire to you? Or was this just something you picked for him and he went along with it?
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This was his major when we first met. He said he had another bachelors in music but it wasn’t for him so he wanted to do criminal justice. He never talked about changing it. I’ve been pushing him to do like YouTube music because that is his passion. He gets excited But he doesn’t follow through I get it. Deal with the demon you know rather than one you don’t. And the work thing it was his coworker and I just wanted them to know he was on his way. I can see how that looks bad though... yeah.. I won’t do that again my bad
I agree with the previous comments. If school isn't what he wants to do, can he find a career that he would enjoy that doesn't require a degree? It seems like there's a lack of motivation on his end, you shouldn't have to be the one to make sure that he goes to class or does his homework or gets to work on time. If he can't help provide for/contribute to your relationship, that will likely cause problems down the road. The lying is also a concern. Personally, I would stop investing in his education, since he doesn't seem to be interested in school. I recommend counseling - whether it's individual or couples, to try to figure out the path ahead.
While reading this, the main thought going through my head was.... “she wants all of this more than he does”. Based on what you wrote, it felt more like a parent/child relationship than 2 adults in a relationship (paying $5k, “confronting” him, calling his job, asking for his grades, etc). Even him hiding and lying felt like he was a child worried about upsetting his parents. It really seems as though he’s doing it all for you and not for himself. So that could be a huge reason why his effort is so minimal. It’s definitely not the behavior of someone who is “invested seriously in the continuation of his education”. So, if he never receives his degree, would you be fine with that? Or is it a dealbreaker for you? Or for your parents?
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The problem with people that aren’t reliable, you get so used to having to pick up after them you don’t notice when you’ve gone over the line, like calling his job. Sure, in retrospect it sounds crazy, but lots of things that look crazy to outsiders make more sense taken in context.
Don’t beat yourself up for that too much, but consider how bad things are that you felt the need to see if he had gone to work. This is a grown up with presumably bills to pay, why would he not go to work? For most people, steady employment is necessary to have a financially stable life. Couples do weather times of unemployment due to job market, illness, injury, childrearing, and that is possible because trust is established that both people understand financial goals and responsibility.
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Unfortunately it would.... I hate being like this... I hate parenting a man who’s 28........ I hate not being able to trust....... i hate all of that... his eyes and his whole world lights up when talking about FBI school (that’s what he’s been wanting to do for a year now) and you have to have a degree.. I want him to follow his dreams.. but if he doesn’t put the work in I can’t do it for him... hell after he graduates from school he wants to apply to Quantico ASAP! He’s not in the “best shape” but he is fit and to help him get motivated about the physical fitness test I downloaded an app that helps prepare for it. We’ve been working on it together as friendly competition. Whoever gets the most points doesn’t have to do dishes. Not even that is getting him excited..
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My heart goes out to you. Your story sounds quite similar to a good friend of mine that had a similar issue in the past which ended in divorce. Have you ever thought about taking him to counseling if he’s willing? If you have any plans in the future or desire for children, his personality traits certainly won’t make the situation any easier.I know you’re rooting for him and I know it stems from love, but you can’t change people.He may also suffer from depression if he has no drive to do anything.I would suggest you think about your situation critically. You’re young, and you’re not in a marriage yet.At this point are there any qualities at all that you still love about him?
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I did make him go to see a psychologist. He’s been through counseling before but the psychologist said that nothing was wrong and he was getting on fine. I’m willing to support him going to therapy. I think it would be beneficial if he stuck to individual for a while so he would learn how to love himself again before bringing me into it. I know I shouldn’t have “made” him go.. but I was worried.. I do speak my mind and defend what I believe often. That could have made him feel lower about himself... I know he’s not all in the wrong.. I haven’t helped as much as I could..
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I work with government contracts, and one speaker at a seminar said something I will never forget. “We spend a lot of time congratulating ourselves on the great contracts we sign, and not enough time doing the same for the contracts we didn’t sign that saved a lot of grief down the road.” Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy!